What was that crap in my last post? We all, more or less, think our lives are meaningful whatever we're doing. For people who don't think of those things, such judgments are irrelevant. Who am I to judge? Shut up, me. Who sits around thinking their lives are meaningless and then just continue that way?
I've been immersing myself too much in Tibetan stuff. There's a lot of good stuff, but I'm getting sucked into the dogma. When writings start getting too forceful about concepts that are counter-intuitive and assume conclusions in the arguments, my dogma alert goes off. This is hardcore Buddhism, requiring a Buddhist to really get into it the way it's presented. I don't want to be a "Buddhist". I'm looking for what's true to me.
I've started cutting again after two years. Now there's something that will never be understood properly. Whatever anyone thinks upon reading that is wrong. I started again because I can without harming myself, without thinking of it as harm. There was a point in time when it stopped being harm and became habit. Then I stopped to break the habit. And now, my ability to do it without harm is too much of an opportunity to waste. It's confounding, it's an investigation, it's a, yes, meditation.
What I'm not so sure about is when old feelings associated with leading up to cutting occur afterwards. The connection is obvious and it might just be simple memory association, but I won't write off that it might mean something.
In contrast, I'm not so delusional to believe that suicide is not harm. Cutting is not harm if it's just physical, lines. If there's a mental, emotional component, then it is harmful, and most kids involved in cutting are harming themselves, for better or worse. In my conception of suicide, the bar is much higher. It needs to transcend mental and physical and become spiritual to not be harm, and I make no claims of being there yet, even though that's my main motivation.
God, who the hell cares.
because I can:
