You see, the thing is, that distraction of Hyun Ae didn't end when I said it did. It did, but it didn't. We've continued to hang out – a lot, since I'm the only classmate left to hang out with, or else things would be different I shouldn't wonder – but she's not a distraction anymore. The pulls I felt before are still pulls, but they aren't pulling me anymore.

I really feel like I'm growing to love her, but I'm not at all interested in "love"; I'm not at all attracted to "being with" her. I don't "want" her, I don't desire her. I do, but I don't.

The realities are all there, but the realities aren't reality. Kinda Diamond Sutra-esque (The realities aren't realities, which is why they can be called realities). That's what those meditations have been helping with. Keeping things in perspective.

The joy generation meditation is important because when I was pulled by her pulls, I suffered because I thought I was happy. Then I was unhappy when I realized her pulls are for anyone, not just me. I wasn't special, and I was unhappy when the pulls weren't there; weren't for me.

The joy generation meditation reminds me that my happiness isn't a function of someone else pulling me or giving me attention, or making me feel like I'm wanted. She can pull now, and I'm happy. Then when she stops pulling, I can still be happy.

The pristine cognition meditation acts as a complement, as it helps me recognize her as a manifestation of pristine cognition, of myself. She is a form arising, and when she walks away, she's a form fading. Her form arises from the ground of enlightenment, she is pristine cognition, and the pristine cognition is no different from me. When I'm with her, she is no different from me, and when she leaves, she doesn't leave.

The four noble truths meditation helps remind me of the path I'm on, and that I'm at a completely different stage of life as her. Ironic because the four noble truths are often the starting point for these teachings, and they were for me, too, so long ago. And here they still are, as if I'm still at the starting point.

Otherwise, it's here's my path, where does she fit into it? I try to practice mindful speech with her; I try to practice mindful action with her; I try to practice mindful thought with her; I try to practice mindful service to her; I try to make mindful effort with her; I try to practice mindful wisdom with her; I try to practice mindful meditation with her; I try to express mindful compassion to and with her.

12:37 p.m. - Da'an Park footbridge, my constant default subject, in the constant rain.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Sexy Sadie (The Beatles)
2. Incommunicado (Marillion)
3. Hole In My Life (The Police)
4. I Don't Care Much ("Cabaret")
5. Missile (Blonde Redhead)
6. Biko (live) (Peter Gabriel)
7. Impengu Dek Bengi Kai (Street Musicians of Java)
8. Rousseau (Pinback)
9. Weather Forecast (Dreams Come True)
10. The Silent Sun (Genesis)