Auditioned last night for a weekly paying gig on drums. I think I did alright, but fear of commitment keeps paralyzing me! Was it fun? It occurred to me just now that, yea, it was fun. I don't know what I'll do if I get the gig. They definitely sounded like I was in the running.

Things in my head keep proliferating, growing, getting confused, weeds growing and entangling. Several posts ago I felt all my life I was cutting through the over and undergrowth, getting rid of all the confusion only to find at my core, a steel, shiny, smooth sphere of negativity.

I got to class this morning alright, after what was easily my worst riding commute to date. I guess that's not saying much since riding to class is always smooth and more pleasant than taking the bus or getting stuck in traffic on or in a motorized vehicle. I was just trying something new and made a series of bad decisions that made the commute inconvenient, but I took that all in stride and still got to class earlier than anyone else.

But then during the first half of class, I noticed something in me progressively changing, deteriorating, collapsing, imploding. I don't know what. It's like my body was about to shut down, but I was aware of it happening.

I feel that way a lot these days. Watching too much Discovery Channel, describing what happens when something bad happens and the body starts reacting and shutting down. I've been feeling my soul or my spirit doing that.