The time stamp is right, it's 1:35 in the morning. My alarm clock has been set for 5:00 in the morning for quite a while. Not necessarily because of the monastery, more because of morning classes, some because of the new bike which had me going on morning rides as much as possible. I try to get to sleep by the 10:00 hour to get a needed 7 hours of sleep.

Tonight I went to an Irish bar on Dunhua near Nanjing East Road, a good 40 minute ride from Hsindian, to see a band that is looking for a new drummer. I answered their ad, I went to see them, I chatted with them, and on one hand it would be a great gig to land, on the other hand what the hell am I doing?

Since leaving San Francisco, I've been telling myself not to just be doing what I was doing in San Francisco in another place. When I was thinking of relocating to Taiwan, I mentioned to Nobuko maybe I should try landing a paying gig when I'm here.

But what am I doing? Would this make me happy? It's a much easier answer now: no!

The first hour I watched them, I thought it was something I could do, something I could get into. The second hour, I was just getting queasy, asking myself is this what I want to do?

What do I want to do?

I want to die. I don't really like the idea of suicide if you want to end your life, but I'm all for it if the purpose of it is to die, and if it's me. But that's a rhetorical answer to what was a rhetorical question.

If I'm not willing to join a band, or at least try out for one, what am I doing practicing once or twice a week? Rhetorical.

What am I doing with my life? I need to answer that now. If I don't have an answer, I should just go with my ambition to die. At this point, I feel like I have more value to the people around me in dying than in living. In my living, they just take it for granted. They take my shit life for granted. Why the hell am I living a shit life just to have it taken for granted? Why would anyone want a shit life granted to them. Rhetorical.

Where is connection? Where is home? And when was the last time I emailed Nobuko? For someone on my short list of people I really love, that's just . . . oh, par for the course.