Maybe it's the Winter, but man did things get bleak fast. All the development, all the theory, all the cultivation, pushing myself towards positive thinking, so quickly dissolved away.

Now I walk down the street and I look at people's faces and they just fill me with overwhelming sadness. Why compassion? Why exist?

I'm faced with staring down the gaping maw of my existence, and this is my basic core. All my life, digging up, confronting, and dealing with issues was clearing away the wild growth, hoping to get to an answer, a doorway to lead somewhere, but instead is an impenetrable, cold negativity. This looks like the (dead) end of the road.

How do you go back? Why should I want to? The word is unbearable, and it's an unbearable where suicide doesn't exist, not by changing definitions, but the idea, the act, are no longer an option, because that's how bleak it is. If suicide could even be considered an escape, escape is no longer relevant.