I passed on my first social engagement last night. Proud of myself for having done so. I'm not here to make friends or be social. I'm here to figure things out.

I was tempted to go, but then reminded myself of all the empty social engagements I had hope for in San Francisco. What would be the point of going to dinner with these classmates I don't know and don't know me and their friends. English wouldn't have been the common language either, so I would have been way on the outside, as my Japanese is beyond lost.

I'm starting to have trouble with Mandarin as well, and we're only in the 4th week. I suck at languages. I can test well, I can do languages if it's a matter of analysis and figuring things out. But as a matter of communication, as a matter of expression, as a matter of spontaneity, I've never been able to get a grasp on another language.

I'll keep trying, though. Trying hard to not let it get me down.

I've been wanting to email Madoka for a while now, but it has come to feel that she would have a more accurate picture of me if I just didn't write. That's the way it is here, too. As soon as I let some information out, it's inaccurate because of all the information it leaves out.

I went to law school. Right there, everything implied about me in that bit of information is wrong. It's the same with anything else that can be said about me. That's how unconnected I've become. I haven't figured out if it bothers me yet. It might be great.

But doesn't help in regard to writing to Madoka. Whether I gloss things over superficially or am brutally honest, whatever I imagine to say to her turns inaccurate in a few sentences. Anyway, I can't shake the feeling that if I just didn't write, it just wouldn't make any difference.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Pumping On Your Stereo (Supergrass)
2. I Shall Scream ("Oliver")
3. He Is, She Is (live) (Mission of Burma)
4. Hold On ("Secret Garden")
5. Capriccio Italien (Tchaikovsky)
6. Wonder Wonder (Edith Frost)
7. Stand (Sly & the Family Stone)
8. The Absence of God (Rilo Kiley)
9. I'm No Heroine (Ani DiFranco)
10. Wake Up (XTC)