I went on an overnight trip to Kenting from Kaohsiung on Friday. Kenting is a national park/seaside resort at the southern tip of Taiwan, 2 hours south of Kaohsiung by bus.

Any plans I make are my own and don't concern anyone else, and can be executed or canceled on my own whim. Even going to Kaohsiung only happened because I attached that plan to something external, otherwise I might have ultimately just decided to stay home.

Going to Kenting was also a take it or leave it deal, but even as I was making rational excuses not to go, I also realized part of me felt like I had to go, whether I wanted to or not. If I didn't go, I probably would have just come back to Taipei. If I didn't go, it would've meant nothing was going to change, and I wasn't going to put any effort into making anything different, no matter what the future might bring. It's not that I necessarily want anything to change, but the important thing was to still have an attitude to accept change or make the left turn or do the something different.

I didn't have to go to Kenting, I just went 4 years ago with Hyun Ae and Takako. It wasn't compelling, maybe even the opposite. And there were times when it seemed like this trip wasn't adding anything to the time before. But in some ways, traveling with other people is boring and mundane. You're constricted by wondering what other people want to do, and then do nothing particularly extraordinary.

I like traveling alone, making my own decisions on what to do and where to go. This time I did go off and explore the few side streets and extended areas of the beaches. In the evening and in the morning I managed to find quiet spots to practice shakuhachi.

And going shooting, I did get some shots of the ordinary backstreets of Kenting, away from the bustle of the tourist crowds that I wouldn't have gotten if I was with other people. That stuff is way more interesting to me. I don't think I took a single shot on the main strip.

Anyway, I'm pleased that I went. Perhaps the most valuable bit of information was how calm and soothing it was on the beach, next to the water. Comfortable and inviting, emphasizing that nothing really matters, anyone can see.

I'm probably going back down to Kaohsiung next month for Gracie's 6th birthday. Wondering about the momentum.

THURSDAY, MAY 13 - Kaohsiung bike path and Robot 85 Building. Nikon N70, Kodak BW400CN.

Port of Kaohsiung, floating restaurant and container art.

North access to Kaohsiung Harbor to the right.

Fishing. The distinct outline of Shoushan (Shou Mt.) in the lower pic, looking a lot like a boa constrictor digesting an elephant.

I got access to a bike at my uncle's place, so was able to explore farther afield than my usual Kaohsiung photostrolls. I went further south along the harbor than I had ever been.

4:15 p.m. - Creative adaptation of railroad into bike path.

4:50 p.m. - Same footbridge as the black & white shot, giving an indication of the time frame in those shots.

5:45 p.m. - Looks like it will be interesting architecture when it's done.

5:53 p.m. - The northern access to Kaohsiung Harbor actually faces more west.

5:57 p.m. - Again, it's not officially called the Robot 85 Building, that's just what I call it.

6:19 p.m. - Photoroll end with shaved ice, which I submit is better in Kaohsiung than Taipei. Maybe because the tropical fruit is better in the true tropics of Kaohsiung, or just because it's hotter in Kaohsiung which leads to greater appreciation. 

FRIDAY, MAY 14, 8:57 p.m. - Just a marker photo of the motel room in Kenting. I had barely just got off the bus on the main strip when I was approached about whether I needed a room. I did. The price was just what I expected (NT$1,000/US$30) so I asked to see it and accepted.

SATURDAY, MAY 15, 9:50 a.m. - The glory of morning, Kenting.

9:59 a.m.

Desolate feeling.

Red filter.

Believe me, I tried taking pictures of nature. It's Kenting National Park, after all. I just suck at finding appealing form and composition in nature and gravitate towards the human made.

 

To shoot nature, I'm more satisfied when I can shoehorn it into shots of settlement.

These days have been alright. The best that I can expect. But that's admittedly with a downgraded range. Neutral is the best that I can expect. But if it's the best I can expect, that's pretty damn good. It's still the best. I have flashes of the old negativity, but when it flashes up I realize that I'm not struggling with it all the time anymore, meaning something worked in my working on it. A lot of it I attribute to long-term sitting and associated mindfulness practices.

Practice changes through the years, and I shouldn't wonder that for long periods of time I would sit and let my mind wander and do whatever it wants. That's not the best practice, but it still had value in that I still did the 45 minutes of quiet sitting. That in itself is an accomplishment, although it just maintains a baseline of discipline without affecting what my mind is doing or how it processes the world. In recent practice memory, I've gotten more proactive during sitting, maintaining a general mantra of "clear the thoughts, calm the mind, relax the body" as a starting point and among other things. From there it can take any number of forms in any number of directions. Sometimes my mind wanders like before, sometimes 45 minutes goes by in what feels like 25 minutes.

On the other hand, with the flashes of negativity in crowds or surrounded by people, I can quickly identify it and neutralize it mentally, but getting to neutral is the best my mind and attitude and outlook can achieve. There is an array of positive feelings and mindsets that I remember from experiencing them in the past that I don't think I'll ever feel again. Even if the stimuli are there, my response and attitude towards them are now different and euphoria or achievement or response are not what they once were.

I know I took an unusual turn somewhere there on my path. It doesn't have to be this way. But it is the path I chose from the very start. I have this on record for over 20 years. There's nothing unusual about how I want this to end up. Preferably sooner than later. I guess what is unusual is that there was a time when I wasn't so good at hiding what was going on. There was a time when I don't think people in my life could claim that they had no idea something was going on. Or they could, but I think I was leaking out plenty of signals so that if they were paying attention, things would have made sense.

People I know now have no exposure to that part of my history. I don't show any indication that I'm like this. They might think back and remember seeing a lot of scars and free mention of alcoholism, but nothing that would act as forewarning. I think I'm banking on alcoholism as my guarantee. If I end up doing nothing, nothing's going to stop my liver from failing if I continue drinking like this, and nothing's stopping me from drinking.

I think I've lived my life fully. I've done what I wanted to do. If I was given a definite date in the near future that I was going to die, I don't think I would regret how I've done anything, nor would I do anything drastically different. I wouldn't go traveling or blow my bank account – I did that in San Francisco without the death sentence – or do something drastic or life-affirming. No fucking "bucket list".

All through this, I sometimes think about why I'm still running or riding or practicing bass or drums or whatever. And my answer is because this is how I live my life, and I'll live it this way until the day I die. I run because I'm a runner. There's no point to it, nor to the other things. If I was going to die tomorrow, if I thought I wanted to go for a ride or to the drum practice room or go shooting, I probably would. Because this is what I consider living life, however pathetic or paltry. If I just wanted to stay in on the internet, I probably would. I most definitely wouldn't spend time with other people.

Savory pancake street food. Rainbow V 22mm lens toy camera, Ilford XP2 Super.

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Here's the last one of these. I'm not planning on making a 2010 mix because I'm projecting I won't need to. Most of these videos are official uploads. I've indicated the ones that aren't and might have been deleted. Not that I'm under any illusion that this is for anyone else but me. I've also linked these postings together, and they can be put on one page by clicking the mix CD tag. For me, that is.

2009 (mix CD of every year of my life series):
1. Abracadabra (Brown Eyed Girls) Korea
2. Why I Am (Dave Matthews Band)
3. The Fixer (Pearl Jam)
4. Abbot Kinney (Love Psychedelico) Japan
5. Chasing Pirates (Nora Jones)
6. 향 Scent (Casker) Korea
7. 如果看見地獄, 我就不怕魔鬼 If I saw hell, I won't fear the devil (Tizzy Bac) Taiwan
8. 春のまぼろし (Haru no Maboroshi) (Superfly) Japan (audio only)
9. Blindness (Metric) (audio only)
10. 想いあふれて (Omoi Afurete) (Aya Matsuura) Japan (unofficial upload)
11. Butterfly (Kimura Kaela) Japan (audio only)
12. Bo Peep Bo Peep (T-ara) Korea
13. Honey (Kara) Korea
14. Hey! (e.via) Korea (unofficial upload)
15. 永遠 (Eien - Forever) (BoA) Japan
16. The Whale Song (Modest Mouse)
17. ありあまる富 (Ariamaru Tomi - Abundant Wealth) (Shiina Ringo) Japan
18. Moment of Surrender (U2) (audio only)

2008

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2:01 p.m. - Qidu hills, east of Taipei in Keelung. This is the highest point I could find. I haven't figured out an obvious cycling route in these hills. I found roads that go up, and then going up deciding which forks to take based on what looked more promising, and eventually coming down on some different road.

2:31-2:35 p.m. - It started raining while descending the Qidu hills and by the time I reached the bottom and the roads back to Taipei, it was coming down hard enough for me to take refuge at a local shrine. I don't ride in the rain. Think wet cat. I offered gratitude to the spirits of the shrine for the shelter.

So after establishing a time for a 4-mile run pushing it, I decided to do the same 4-mile run, but not pushing it, which means running to the best of my ability, but laying off if it was getting hard. Final time was 30:48; 8 seconds slower than last time, and average 7:42 miles. I was surprised I wasn't slower, but actually it makes a lot of sense. I like it when things make sense. It was slower because I wasn't pushing it, but it wasn't drastically slower because I'm still at a stage where I'm improving my time each run, and the last time pushing it was part of the process.

I did get a nasty bit of news from an old friend. Turns out she has cirrhosis and has just begun treatment. It's not the kind of cirrhosis you get from alcoholism, but it's kinda weird that I know that's where I'm headed, and she gets a liver disease out of nowhere. I'm hoping they caught it in time. This isn't saying anything, but she mentioned her symptoms leading up to getting this diagnosis, and they matched many that I've experienced recently. More importantly, not all of them matched, and I've experienced health-related issues that she didn't mention.

Liver disease is a funny thing. You can have a set of symptoms and have liver disease, but someone else with the exact same symptoms might not have it. And another person might not have any of those symptoms, but have liver disease.

I don't know what was the symptom that made her go check it out. I know that under no conditions am I going to a doctor voluntarily. That's one of my hang-ups; one of my "things". I never go see a doctor. The last time I did was when we got health insurance at work in San Francisco, and it was a "what the hell" kinda thing. It turned out I had a condition that the doctor treating me previously had. After he heard my description of the symptoms and examined me, he said, "You don't seem to be particularly bothered by this. You probably figured it would just go away, but just came in out of curiosity".

I was startled, he was exactly right. I was feeling a pain, but it didn't feel at all that it was pain being caused by damage, that something was wrong. If it weren't for people urging me to take advantage of the firm's health plan, I would've ignored it. He then admitted he had it before and that was his reaction as well. He told me his went away after a short duration, and I should probably expect the same. A nerve was being impinged upon, but it would adjust itself in time and the pain would go away.

Anyway, I envision the path I would take for some serious liver issue very differently. No doctors, no treatment, no medication. Just let it take its course. I knowingly brought it on, why would I suddenly turn around and try to fight it? I would consider how I deal with it as part of my journey and I would treat it like all phenomena I encounter and examine it and try to understand it and my feelings and reactions. I wouldn't get sucked into it emotionally, I wouldn't be upset or despair over it. Any emotional episodes would also be viewed as part of the process and the journey. I wouldn't be numb about it, just mindful.

Alas, I miscalculated that last run. I had my doubts and I kept thinking there is no way I could've run more than 4 miles in 30 minutes after just 2 or 3 lazy 30 minute runs over the past few weeks, and a riding season that looks like it's being shredded to pieces by alcoholism. It was just ridiculously optimistic.

And no, it wasn't 4 miles. I thought I included all of the sections of the 4 mile course I measured out last year, but not only did I leave out a significant section, but it's a section of the course that I run twice in an overlap loop. So that last run was probably a quarter mile, maybe half mile short of 4 miles.

When I realized that, I decided to run the complete old 4 mile course last night and also to go all out to see what's the best time I could achieve at this point. All out, the best I could do was 30:40, which breaks down to a not very impressive average of 7:40 miles, which while not impressive is apropos for this point in the season.

So no miracles here. If I'm on the road to ruining my health, physical performance is no indicator otherwise. And I don't say this cavalierly. I'm well aware of my mortality, and sometimes it scares me that this is serious and irreversible. But then I remind myself of my principles and what I believe in, and remember that we all have to go sometime. We can hang on all we want, but the more we make that habit, the more difficult it may be when the time really comes.

I've notice something odd in my right ear in the past few days, ever since the last time I went to practice drums. Kind of like the feeling when you have water in your ear. Then this morning I woke up and noticed an unusually pronounced ringing and scared myself wondering if it was tinnitus.

It's still here, but much less pronounced, and possibly the normal amount of ringing for any rock musician. I'm just noticing it because of that scare. But no, I think it's pretty normal now.

It does bother me that if it turned out to be serious tinnitus, I might have been really affected. Music is one of the things I admit is still a huge attachment, and it bothers me that I would have difficulty if it was taken away, and not voluntarily given up.

Finally, insomnia has come back and has been back for the past week and a half. I'm not sweating it because I'm not working. This rules out that working was the source of the insomnia. That the insomnia recessed for periods of time also suggests that alcohol isn't the culprit, either.

I'm rolling with it, and if I can't sleep, I don't try to force it, I just get up and sit for 45 minutes. If I still can't sleep afterwards, I just stay up and go about my business, even though fatigue sets in later and affects whatever I'm doing.

I don't know what got into me at the beginning of this year that I wanted to get running and riding into full swing as quick as possible this year. Maybe it was because in Taiwan we celebrate both the Western New Year and Lunar New Year soon after. We get a dual dose of wanting some kind of renewal.

It didn't quite go as planned, as Taiwan's Spring weather is pretty patchy and rain often kept me grounded at strategic times, taking the wind out of my sails. And then there have been the health issues – alcoholism inhibiting performance – that have been dogging my riding.

I've been focusing on riding more than running. My runs so far have been haphazard and without clear targets and without the usual progressive program. I've only gone on a few 30 minute runs without regard to distance or fitness, and I can't say I've been impressed by the results. After the runs, I've been limping home with severe knee pain.

I went for a run tonight with the same idea in mind – 30 minutes. As a general target, in 30 minutes I should be able to run 4 miles – which would equate to an average of 7:30 per mile; a modest target for that distance.

I planned to run a 4 mile course I measured out last year, but with a twist. The course was along the Keelung River and had 2 river crossings on either end of the run. There are 2 footbridges in between, and I planned to cross the river each time I came to a crossing, which added 4 more crossings (in both directions) – clearly more than 4 miles; perhaps more than 4 and a quarter miles, plus minor steps climbs to the footbridges.

So I started off on this run, planning to stop after 30 minutes without expecting to complete the whole course, but in the next few weeks, within 3 or 4 runs, my goal was to be able to do so.

As expected, I wasn't impressed with how I was doing, but plugged on. Towards the end I was thinking of eliminating the last two crossings, thinking the truncated course would be just about right, but I decided to stay on track, and ended up completing the whole course. Time: 29:59.60.

I actually felt good. Not crappy and exhausted like after the rides I've been doing. Afterwards, I went through the adjoining night market to cool off, and when I felt my knee start to lock up, I got out of the night market quick and stretched the pain out. And it worked. After getting some food and drink at the night market, I walked home painless.

So I wonder whether my health is in as dire condition as I've been feeling. And I wondered as much on Facebook and got some support. But I do think it's a fluke.

I have no illusion that I'm some medical marvel who can drink the way I do and not suffer appreciate the consequences. I buy a bottle every other day. If I bought a month's worth of alcohol at once, I'd have to buy 15 bottles. And it's been like this for many, many years. In San Francisco, I would buy several 1.75 liter bottles at a time from the Safeway on 16th Street. For a time in New Jersey I was finishing a bottle of 151 proof rum in 2 days and that stuff is suicide in a bottle. That shit fucks you up.

And truth to tell, I'm more and more spending time in "unbearable" mode. Where it's getting harder and harder just being here. It's hard on my body, it's hard on my mind. I'm using negative language, but I don't really see it that way. I use that language, but the actual mental state I'm quick to put into perspective of what I want – so it's "positive".

I don't want what other people want. And although on some level I have to admit that if I did run into some sort of cliched "soul mate", I might change my tune, I really don't believe that's going to happen. That would truly be miraculous, because it would really take quite a lot for me to change my tune, and out of the people I've met in the past 12 years, no one has come close to being a winner. The good friends I've met topped out as good friends, who I certainly appreciate.

The thing is that I'm still living my life in the material world (as opposed to the monastery), where I'm bombarded with stimulus, all of which encourages people to want what "other people want". So what am I doing?

I'll leave it to tomorrow to answer that. Or not.

SUNDAY, APRIL 25 - Outer hallway, Nikon N70, Ilford XP2 Super.

Intersection in front of Raohe night market west entrance. Ba De Rd., sec. 4 to the left, Tayou Rd. to the right. 

I think there used to be railroad tracks here. Trains have all been moved underground and roads are being paved in their place. This will be a continuation of Civic Blvd. east of the elevated Keelung Expressway seen in the distance.

Zhongxiao E. Rd., sec 5, near Houshanpi MRT station.

Chun Guang Park.

Song De Rd.

I started my riding season not long ago as the weather turned to the warmer, but have been putting short posts on Facebook instead of blogging here, which is bad if I'm supposed to be tracking rides I've been on and how I'm doing. I suppose maybe I was fishing for other people who ride, that's the purpose of a "social network", right?, but no luck, and besides I don't know how to ride with other people.

I started my riding season as usual, gradually increasing distances on flats and then progressively tackling hills, starting with easy ones. I was determined to not be lazy about hills this year and aimed to get to harder ones in the least amount of time. Then I tried the hill on Jiuzhuang Road, Sec. 2 in Xizhi, the town sandwiched in between Taipei City and Keelung Port on Taiwan's east coast. It's not a hard hill, vertical climb only 1,148', if Google Earth is to be believed, and not incredibly steep – and I totally couldn't do it and abandoned.

After failing, I actually went back the next day because I didn't like the idea of abandoning because I couldn't do it. If I can't climb, then why ride? I completed the hill, but I went down to the granny gear at the first sign of trouble and stayed there for significant amounts of time, and even worse, I had to traverse – zigzag across the road to decrease the grade of the climb even further – to complete it.

Since then I've retreated from any big climbs. Today, I did a route I've done several times – 47 miles out to the east coast of Taiwan, going through Ruifang to the ocean and heading north to Keelung and then back to Taipei. I did finally find a complete route from Keelung to Taipei that doesn't go on Rte. 5, which is more or less a highway.

No hills, but 47 miles turns out to still be a long way for me. I was struggling at the end, but that's nothing unusual, and once I got to the riverside bikeway in Taipei, it was pretty easy going. I guess the only thing possibly notable was that my skin was a bit splotchy red by then. I don't know if that's indicative or symptomatic of anything.

I think changes in skin color may point to liver problems, but I think that's yellow. Another unusual skin occurrence recently was that I had a little zit recently and didn't think anything of it until it didn't heal after about 3 weeks. Probably infected, but I think I get infected all the time and it's never a big deal.

So then I started putting ointment on it and a band-aid for several days. Since the last time, the area where the band-aid adhesive made skin contact has also splotched up red. No irritation, but obviously some kind of reaction since the rash is in the exact shape of the band-aid adhesive. It may be an allergic reaction, but I've never had an allergic reaction last this long.

Anyway, I was pretty wasted after that ride. Took a long while to cool down and my thigh muscle seized up after I was home to the point that I put Bengay on it, and then got a Bengay burn as a result. That subsided once I washed the Bengay away. I didn't sleep very well afterwards, and I figure this is all part of general health problems that are probably mounting.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21, 2:47 p.m. - Qing An Bridge on the way to Ruifang. I know I've posted this bridge before from a night ride.

3:00 p.m. - Ruifang township. Apparently the town roads have been changed.

3:03 p.m. - This is what the Keelung River looks like in Ruifang. A natural place to stop and rest.

3:11 p.m. - From Ruifang is a quick little downhill to the coast. I know I've posted Keelung Mountain with it's peak in the clouds from a previous ride. Can you believe I rode 47 miles on that bike?! I wouldn't either if I were you.

3:20 p.m. - Rte. 2 on the way north to Keelung city. Saddest playground ever.

3:32 p.m.

4:04 p.m. - Ugliest bridge in the world ever. Is that metal mess even functional? I don't think so. Riding out of Keelung on Rte. 5, crossing this bridge put me on the "backroads" all the way back to Taipei. There are still portions with a lot of car traffic, but definitely beats riding on a highway.

I chatted for a bit on Facebook with someone I met a few years back at Deer Park Monastery. He was an Olympic speed skater and he blew me away by his arrival at Deer Park, having ridden his bike from Oceanside to the monastery in Escondido, California.

After many, many moons, when he friended me on Facebook, I felt a little apprehensive since I ended up not ordaining and I'm just doing this ordinary selfish, self-absorbed thing, rather than making that final push towards enlightenment.

Enlightenment has its time. If it's not time, don't bother making the push for it. And both Dustin and I are simply on our own spiritual paths and we'll support each other when we can. The way we met was the connection and we are brothers. We don't judge each other, just give support and remind each other of our connection through the Plum Village monastic system.

I remember Dustin clearly at Deer Park. We were there with Joost and Brother Lai and those connections are solid and clear. They are my anchor if I go astray, but I don't think my path of exploring suicide is going astray.

December 3, 2004 - Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA. Me, Dustin and Joost (a doctor from Holland who volunteers his services whenever he could around the world, while also trying to elevate his spiritual level. great guy)

I think I'm firmly fixed in a downward spiral, which brings me much relief. It seems my alcohol consumption has gone up as well, which I didn't think was possible. And using my previous imperfect analogy of a ship moving through water, I often feel like I'm on the deck of ship that is tipping over. Not a sinking ship, this is a ship that is being overturned.

I feel I've passed the point of no return. It is impossible for anything or anyone to make me feel I want to stay here much longer. And really nothing or no one is even really trying. To me that means this is fact, if not fate or destiny, which it may be.

My alcohol consumption puts me in a constant state of feeling like I'm in toxic shock. It would almost feel surreal or transcendental if not for the fact that this is being caused by an intoxicant, basically a poison. Although I'm not seeing it that way. Alcohol affects my reality, but not as an intoxicant, I'm not intoxicated, I'm not out of control, I'm not dazed and confused. It kind of just magnifies the withering of my soul and my being. My non-place in this world, and the constant affirmation of that perspective all through my life.

I'm asking myself what do I have left to do, and all the things that I thought I have left to do are rather trivial, insignificant, vain and petty. The big thing now is leaving. That's the only thing that matters to me. All I want people to know of me is that I left. Everyone has to leave sometime, everyone has to go. But any possible lessons from that are more potent to people who don't have that concept anywhere on their radar.

I do still need encouragement. And I'm getting it.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14, 6:06 p.m. - Cycling along the "duckhead" part of the Keelung River with clouds rolling down over the Yangmingshan range.

2008 (mix CD of every year of my life series):
1. 2020 (The Herd)
2. Trouble is a Friend (Lenka)
3. Great DJ (The Ting Tings)
4. マカロニ Macaroni (Perfume) Japan
5. Crazy (Son Dam Bi) Korea
6. An Audience with the Pope (Elbow) (unofficial upload) (audio only)
7. Burn You Up, Burn You Down (Peter Gabriel) (audio only)
8. NEW LOOK (Amuro Namie) Japan
9. My Style (Brown Eyed Girls) Korea (unofficial upload) (live in studio version)
10. あなたがここにいてほしい Anata ga Koko ni Ite Hoshi (Chitose Hajime) Japan
11. Umbrella (feat. Younha) (Epik High) Korea
12. Spaceman (The Killers)
13. Mirror (feat. Salyu) (Wise) Japan
14. Rock U (Kara) Korea
15. 有你的快樂 Lost in Paradise (Joanna Wang) Taiwan
16. Nobody (Wonder Girls) Korea
17. U-Go-Girl (Lee Hyori) Korea
18. memories (Kimura Kaela) Japan
19. TROPHY (Chara) Japan

At the beginning of the Wonder Girl's "Nobody" video, JYP (Park Jin Young) is performing one of his own songs. He's not only a great singer, dancer, composer and producer, but CEO of the agency the Wonder Girls are under, one of the "big 3" entertainment companies. I have to say I have a bit of a man-crush on him, despite him looking like . . . well, you judge. He also has a sense of humor.

2006-2007

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Taipei Main Station area photostroll, Rainbow V 22mm lens toy camera, Ilford XP2 Super:

Civic Blvd. along Taipei Main Station, Shin Kong Mitsukoshi landmark building.

Old bus depot that has yet to be relocated to the new bus terminal on the other side of Civic Blvd.

Beimen (North Gate), remnant of Taipei old city that was surrounded by walls and had entrance gates. Dongmen (East Gate) and Xiaonanmen (Little South Gate) remnants similarly also still exist. Ximen (West Gate) only exists in name as the district popular with young people and tourists.

Under the Zhongxiao Bridge ramp which is a bit of an eyesore running along the North Gate remnant as seen in the above pics. It crosses the Danshui River to points west of Taipei.

Letting sleeping dog lie amidst the copious construction west of Taipei Main Station.

Military veterans village, I think, west of Taipei Main Station.

Danshui River.

Tokyo Sonata (2008, Japan)

The Sasaki family should just be like any other ordinary, traditional Japanese working class family. But throw in an economic downturn and life gets thrown a curve ball. Traditionally, a Japanese salaryman works for a company his whole life, and has that job stability. That's what tradition-minded Ryuhei Sasaki expected, but in the new economy he finds himself out of the job and doesn't have the first clue about how to cope with it and gets whisked down the unforgiving current of life, along with others in the same position to their individual, sometimes unfortunate, fates.

Japan is facing challenges, or has been facing challenges that are changing the way it looks at itself and its economic success it has enjoyed during the past half century. I think this film is ultimately addressing those things. Traditional roles of authority are challenged and the independence of Japan's youth is where Japan's future may lie. Things have to change and risks need to be taken if Japan is to have any chance to maintain economic status in the world.

It needs to internationalize and trust in its own non-conforming talents of its youth to forge the way, rather than rely on vain, old school, no-longer-tried-and-true traditions, which only lead to a slowly sinking ship. It needs to start over. Families unravel, but the Japanese people are resilient and will find a way to pull things together, or so this film seems to say. And the family is still the core value that Japanese society can lean on. And there are no easy ways out. Seriously, a lot is being said in this film. And ironically, the end of the film is extremely typical "Japanese".

This is an excellent, well put together film, excellently directed and acted – pretty much what I'd expect from a good Japanese film. I loved the subtle level of allegory that director Kiyoshi Kurosawa infuses into it. And I do recommend it for fans of Japanese film and culture, however, it is a bit grim about reality. I might not recommend it for people who aren't fans of international film. I give it a fresh 8 out of 10 tomatoes because I can't in good conscience give it any lower.


天黑 End of the Tunnel‧夏午 Summer Afternoon‧闔家觀賞 Family Viewing (2008, Taiwan)

This is a bit of a useless review, as I doubt anyone would come across this DVD, much less consider renting it. It consists of three short films, none of which I thought were any good. Rotten, but how rotten is rotten? The rotten scale is 0 to 5 tomatoes, but isn't rotten just rotten? These shorts were a complete waste of time, with perhaps some redeeming aspects, so not a total panning. 3 out 10 tomatoes. Pretty bad, not recommended. Whatever.

The first film (37 minutes) is about a blind piano player who meets a sympathetic soul after being touched after hearing him play. This short was pointless and frankly quite boring, and for a short, it was way too long. Each scene is dragged out with no benefit to the film or mood, and probably could have been cut down to 20 minutes.

The second film (16 minutes) is about a drive through the mountains gone wrong. Who acts like that? Were these people raised in a barn? It strains credibility and the attempt at a twist is sophomoric if not insulting.

The third film (29 minutes) is about a family chosen to be filmed for a French reality show, but things aren't as they seem. This is probably the most well-developed and shot of the three, but that's not saying much. The underlying premise, which is what's reaching for its emotional climax, is actually appalling and in unspeakably bad taste.

I was fooled into renting this because of the quality of the talent. There are some high level Taiwanese actresses in this film, including the delicious Sandrine Pinna, who I adored in other films including Miao Miao and Candy Rain, so if the projects could attract such talent, how bad could it be? No explanation, but they may be considered part of the few redeeming aspects of the films. They can deliver.

Recommended for anyone who wants to see how bad is bad, but unfortunately not in a funny way.

2007 (mix CD of every year of my life series):
1. トビラ Tobira (Salyu) Japan
2. Dashboard (Modest Mouse)
3. 晨間新聞 Breaking News (Tanya Chua) Taiwan
4. Neon Lights (Sahara Hotnights) (unofficial upload)
5. Dreamworld (Rilo Kiley) (audio only)
6. 日光傾程 (卡奇社) China (unofficial upload)
7. 田納西恰恰 Tennessee Cha-Cha (live unplugged) (Tizzy Bac) Taiwan (official video)
8. My Love (Chae Yeon) Korea (unofficial upload)
9. Baby Don't Cry (Amuro Namie) Japan
10. Love Love Love (Epik High) Korea
11. Humanitarian (Kokia) Japan (audio only)
12. ハツコイ娼女 (Shiina Ringo × Saito Neko) Japan
13. 世界 Sekai (Chara) Japan
14. Tell Me (Wonder Girls) Korea
15. SSAW (Tokyo Jihen) Japan
16. Buiki Kaesu (Maximum the Hormone) Japan
17. Grip Like a Vice (The Go! Team)
18. The Con (Tegan & Sara)
19. Life is Beautiful (Sixx AM)

2006:
1. Lloyd, I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken (Camera Obscura)
2. Luv Parade (Misia) Japan
3. Well Thought Out Twinkles (Silversun Pickups)
4. Dirty Old Man ～さらば夏よ～ (Southern All-Stars) Japan
5. Computer City (Perfume) Japan
6. Welcome to My Style (Lee Jung Hyun) Korea (audio only)
7. Roscoe (Midlake)
8. 化粧直し (Keshou Naoshi - Powdering My Nose) (Tokyo Jihen) Japan
9. Sapphire Star (Chara w/Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra) Japan
10. Catastrophe (Rainer Maria)
11. 鞋貓夫人, Madame!!! (Tizzy Bac) Taiwan
12. 懂還是不懂 Do you understand or not? (Faith Yang) Taiwan
13. 青のレクイエム Ao no Requiem (Chitose Hajime) Japan
14. The Greatest (Cat Power) (audio only)
15. UMO (OOIOO) Japan
16. The Way Back (Whysall Lane)
17. Turn Into (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)
18. Hold the Line (feat. Cho PD) (Brown Eyed Girls) Korea

2002-2005

WordsCharactersReading time

WordsCharactersReading time

WordsCharactersReading time

I'm just cruising on through my life, with suicide just in front of me in time like a bow wave.

And it is time, the conditions are all in place right now, as they are, and nothing's going to change. The bow wave is not only always there now, it is not changing in size or shape. OK, it's not the perfect analogy.

Anytime is fine now, but the time still depends on me. And what that depends on, I'm not quite clear on. I just know that if I'm to break through to whatever may be next, it won't happen without another serious attempt with the full intention of succeeding.

Things still flash into my life and then they flash out. I've come to expect it to be this way. It's more than a pattern, it's pretty much fact and I accept it. I won't go so far as saying it's destiny, but facts are just facts.

And I am happy about it, too. I'm happy the things are the way they are because, still, the "best" possible scenario I can think of to want to continue on . . . I don't want. I don't desire that. It frightens me. More like repulse frighten than scared frighten.

So when? I don't know when. The bow of my ship might catch up with the bow wave as early as this month, or it might be maintained until, I don't know, September, and who knows what may change in that time? What I do know is that a ship's momentum keeps the bow wave going, and once the momentum is gone, there goes the bow wave, and no more bow; no reason for the bow. So I'll just know. Any momentum I have will be gone.

I do still think of unresolved underlying issues that have never been effectively dealt with – those that led to recurring issues too many to mention, but include anger if not rage, possibly humiliation to some extent. But somehow, at this point, those things just don't matter any more.

They really are irrelevant. Life goes on, the focus is on the younger generation making their way in the world and still have potential to make an impact on somebody's future. Do I think I matter anymore? No. Did I think I mattered before when I started writing all this? Probably, and foolishly I might add.

I've said before that in the course of growing up, it seems some social gene gets triggered in many that switches people's focus from being idealistic to realistic. People stop standing on soapboxes and feeling it necessary to make their opinions known and discussing abstract, theoretical or philosophical issues into the ground and want to settle down and raise a family and live comfortably.

I never got that switch. Like I've mentioned before, the questions I dealt with in my younger years are still more compelling than the questions of mortgages and paychecks and elementary schools, etc., etc.

But I understand it watching my brothers having and raising children, and I get it that it's not about me. It's about them. Not that I thought it was about me, what I mean is that when you start having kids or see people around you having kids, the scope of your world grows and what you were no longer is.

As a parent, your journey changes and becomes entwined with the journey of the beings you're raising. Their journey becomes part of yours, maybe even the focus, or theirs becomes part of yours, but your journey is no longer your own. I do get that part, I just don't have the responsibility of being here for another person. I get that at a point in life, my journey is not my own. It gets diluted.

Whatever, all I'm saying is that my one little suicide is a raindrop on the ocean and is not going to make so much as a splash in the big picture. There are people who will feel it, but even they are just small lives. And what's more, they are all grown adults responsible for their own lives and how they deal with their own feelings.

So things are still developing, I guess, but it's all pointing to the same direction it has always pointed. It's just more comfortable now, and unless I suddenly become really selfish and decide to just keep living a pretty inconsequential life just for myself, I do expect something in the next few months.

I'm hoping the decision and conviction will be sudden, although I still have a fail-safe in that how I do it will still take a considerable amount of time, it won't be spontaneous. I'll know it when it's just too unbearable to be here anymore, and that's not a bad thing.

2005 (mix CD of every year of my life series):
1. Paris (Epik High) Korea (unofficial upload)
2. Fire Eye'd Boy (Broken Social Scene) (unofficial upload)
3. Third Love (Chae Yeon) Korea (unofficial upload)
4. Soul Meets Body (Death Cab for Cutie)
5. 風颱心情 Typhoon Mood (Wu Bai & China Blue) Taiwan
6. 落日Rakujitsu (Tokyo Jihen) Japan
7. 彗星 Comet (Salyu) Japan
8. King Without a Crown (live) (Matisyahu)
9. Video (Aimee Mann) (unofficial upload)
10. Studying Stones (Ani DiFranco) (audio only)
11. Self (Cheer Chen) Taiwan
12. 桜色舞うころ Sakurairo Mau Koro (Nakashima Mika) Japan
13. Happiness (Gavy NJ) Korea
14. I'm Not Laughing (feat. ALI) (LeeSsang) Korea
15. WoWa (Amuro Namie) Japan
16. Honey (Cyndi Wang) Taiwan (unofficial upload)
17. Ladyflash (The Go! Team)
18. The Fuchsia Wall (50 Foot Wave) (audio only)
19. Rolling 1000 Toon (Maximum the Hormone) Japan
20. Modern Girl (Sleater-Kinney) (unofficial upload)

This was the ground zero start of K-pop for me. In 2006, I asked Korean classmate Hyun Ae, on whom I had a not-so-serious crush, to make me a mix CD of music she liked. The four Korean songs on this mix are all from the collection she gave me. It would still be several years of additional exposure to Korean entertainment with the growth of YouTube before the second Hallyu wave would explode in my life like a cartoon cigar in my face and change my life, long after Hyun Ae was out of it.

Perhaps paving the way towards accepting K-pop as a genre is the Taiwanese pure pop song included on this mix, to which I was exposed on MTV during my two month stay in Kaohsiung in 2005. It was to my horror and fear for my credibility that I found the song incredibly catchy and actually liking it! I've mentioned elsewhere that it turns out it was a re-make (not a cover) of a K-pop song. It made it onto the mix and I stand by it, but part of me is still a little embarrassed and ashamed of it. It is pure candy pop.

2004:
1. happiness!!! (Kimura Kaela) Japan
2. Equus (Blonde Redhead) (unofficial upload)
3. Portions for Foxes (Rilo Kiley) (unofficial upload)
4. 遭難 (Sounan - Distress) (Tokyo Jihen) Japan
5. Mushaboom (Feist)
6. Neighborhood #2 (Laika) (Arcade Fire)
7. The World At Large (Modest Mouse) (unofficial upload)
8. Girl Talk (Amuro Namie) Japan
9. Slither (Velvet Revolver)
10. Minoreba Rock (Maximum the Hormone) Japan
11. 건들지마 (여우) Do Not Touch Me (Lee Jung Hyun) Korea
12. My Last Fight (Love Psychedelico) Japan (official audio)
13. Étrange (Dobacaracol) Quebec
14. 旅行的意義 The Meaning of Travel (Cheer Chen) Taiwan
15. You'll Be the Death (Shannon Wright) (unofficial professionally filmed live upload)
16. Walking With a Ghost (Tegan and Sara)
17. Miss You (m-flo loves melody & 山本領平) Japan
18. Tag Team (Makihara Noriyuki) Japan
19. All These Things That I've Done (The Killers)

2003:
1. New Killer Star (David Bowie)
2. Crazy Beat (Blur)
3. Trouble (Pink)
4. Succexy (Metric)
5. Maps (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)
6. 意識 Ishiki (Shiina Ringo) Japan
7. Dear Baby, Where's My Wing? (Tizzy Bac) Taiwan
8. So Crazy (Amuro Namie) Japan
9. Maybe Tomorrow (Stereophonics)
10. Monday Monday Monday (Tegan and Sara)
11. Canibal (Kinky) Mexico (unofficial upload)
12. Idol Fancy (capsule) Japan (unofficial upload)
13. Daughter in the House of Fools (Enon)
14. Ears Ring (Rainer Maria)
15. Portia (Throwing Muses) (audio only)
16. Uh Uh . . . (feat. AI) (Suite Chic) Japan
17. いつか風になる日 Itsuka Kaze ni Naru Hi (Chitose Hajime) Japan
18. Suspended From Class (Camera Obscura)
19. The Hardest Button to Button (The White Stripes)
20. ドッペルゲンガー Doppelganger (Shiina Ringo) Japan
21. Over the Sky (Hitomi) Japan (audio only)

2002:
1. No One Knows (Queens of the Stone Age)
2. Speakers Push the Air (Pretty Girls Make Graves)
3. Paint's Peeling (Rilo Kiley) (unofficial upload) (official audio)
4. Disposable Parts (Enon) (audio only)
5. 夏の宴 Natsu no Utage (Chitose Hajime) Japan
6. Pavlov's Bell (Aimee Mann) (unofficial upload)
7. Songbird (Engine Down)
8. Oceanbound (764-HERO) (audio only)
9. Broken World (The Black Heart Procession) (unofficial upload)
10. Katun no Sadame (Fate of Katun) (Ichiko Hashimoto) Japan (audio only)
11. Anthems For a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl (Broken Social Scene) (audio only)
12. Shine Like a New Pin (Camera Obscura) (audio only)
13. There She Is!!! (Witches) Korea (unofficial upload)
14. 미워요 (Miwoyo - Hate You) (Lee Jung Hyun) Korea (audio only)
15. Sambita (Kinky) Mexico (audio only)
16. Roland (Interpol) (audio only)
17. Natural Disasters (Enon) (audio only)
18. Grace (Supergrass)
19. Good Life (Suite Chic) Japan
20. Sky Blue (Peter Gabriel)

1998-2001

Beautiful Crazy 亂青春 (2008, Taiwan)
I'm not sure why, but I really loved this film. It's a little bit out there in terms of presentation, and I've been panning a lot of films that have also taken liberties in "being artistic", so I find I'm still pretty secure in myself that I can tell the difference between a crap film and a good film when a director tries to do something different. Mind you, the same can't be said about my taste in Asian pop music.

It's about a girl and her lightly-veiled "relationship" with another girl in high school, and that same girl's also-lightly-veiled "relationship" with another girl a few years later. The film is disjointed, non-linear and impressionistic, and with just the right soundtrack, the film is a lot about the feelings in the moment rather than getting anything out of the dialogue or defining characters and getting to know them.

There's no real plot. Vignettes and scenes are cut up and spread out over the film, presented out of order or have a dream-like quality. Maybe it's supposed to reflect something about the Chinese title, "chaotic youth" or "messy youth", but I don't think so.

It's not a mess, just impressionistic with a clear artistic direction. It didn't come across as amateurish or pretentious as when directors don't have a clear vision about what they want to present, and are artsy for artsy's sake.

Not having a plot to comment on, I'd say the film is about internal pain and numbness, craziness but also beauty in the details. It's a reflection on memory and love and relationships. Personal 9 out of 10 tomatoes; objective at-worst I would still give it a strong 8 out of 10.



Somewhere I Have Never Travelled 帶我去遠方 (2009, Taiwan)
This film ended up surprising me. When I first ran the DVD, I wasn't really paying attention to it, I was probably drunk, and I hated it. I was going to pan it for being amateurish and sophomoric. But then I seriously watched it and paid attention to it, and I think I got it. And what's more, I think there are things that I still didn't get (the poor English subtitling probably not helping). So I think there is more depth than I originally gave it credit for.

This is another local film without a real plot, and without a plot to comment on, I'd say this film is about yearning.

The main characters belong to one extended family, although it's not clear what their relationships are exactly – one thing I was going to pan for being ambiguous and confusing, perhaps a freshman mistake.

It also helps to know that the main girl character is color-blind – something local audiences probably knew going into the film from trailers and advertisements, but I had to figure out, and needing to figure out, I initially thought it was awkwardly done. But if you know it, it's alright because you're looking for the indications and you know what the director is trying to convey.

And the male cousin (I think – I thought it was her brother until it's made known they don't live in the same house) is gay. I don't know if local audiences are supposed to know that going into the film, but it helps to explain some eyebrow-raising weirdness in their relationship.

The family is poor, but not destitute. The grandmother/matriarch is an oppressive nag who is harmless but hardly a kind word comes out of her mouth. The father is an alcoholic street sweeper with a good heart, but whose wife left him. The sisters and aunt and uncle aren't too important.

The movie is split into two time periods: one when the girl is in elementary school and her cousin is in high school, and then it jumps to when she is in vocational school and her cousin is in college. The main theme, I would say, is being outsiders and misunderstood and yearning to get to somewhere better. Best line of the film: "You used to be naughty like a monkey, but now you're creepy like a ghost".

The acting is pretty good with two different actresses playing the girl in elementary and high schools. The older actress does a great job in conveying the complexity of her conflicted feelings, given what we know about her when she was younger.

I'm going to pass this with a fresh 7 out of 10 tomatoes, and one that I will want in my collection of local Taiwanese films that I hope make it back to my family, even if I don't. It's not a must-see for anyone, but a worthwhile film for anyone interested in Taiwanese culture and filmmaking – and Taiwan's best filmmaking in the world of filmmaking is a powerhouse as far as I'm concerned.