last day in new jersey

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Englewood, NJ - Nikon N70, Kodak BW400CN.

Philadelphia, PA

I'm in Philadelphia now, visiting my other brother, who has a daughter one month older than Tessa. Sarah Rebecca may not be as immediately and aggressively adorable, but she's got a special something. And even though adorable is hard to beat, I might end up liking Sarah Rebecca more! You smile at Sarah Rebecca and she smiles back with great sincerity. I'm predicting whatever she does, she'll be the real deal. Whatever. Children, it's all about the love. As long as they're not mine!

Nikon N70, Kodak BW400CN. Again, I'm not sure if anything about the shooting itself prompted me to leave the roll half shot in New Jersey when I left the N70 behind. It's possible I planned to leave the N70 and just ran out of time to finish the roll (which doesn't explain why the roll is still incomplete after I finished shooting it in January 2008).

FRIDAY, JULY 27 - Tuggin' da Hudson.

Little Grey Lighthouse and the Great Grey Bridge. Interesting how shooting the lighthouse in black and white makes you see the details of the actual lighthouse and not just that it's RED.

I rode my Cannondale mountain bike down Manhattan's west side waterfront, a lot of which is getting covered with bike paths.

You probably never heard a New Yorker waxing poetic about the New Jersey skyline across the Hudson River.

Boats on the river like ducks on water.

12th Ave. at 130th St.

10:47 a.m. - But is it art? I'm wondering if that tug in the background is the same as in the first pic. Whoops, I just brought attention again to my black and whites all being flipped. And digi again providing a general timestamp for the film.

SATURDAY, JULY 28 - I don't consciously intend to shoot this scene EVERY time I go to Philadelphia. It's just I head out and it's the most obvious thing to see and shoot.

3:47 p.m. - Sarah Rebecca.

4:20 p.m. - Christopher is a great kid. He was full of beans this time. All of these shots of the kids are just one of a series. I just don't believe in photo dumping multiple shots of basically the same thing/scene unless that's the specific point (and then it's not a dump, but a series).

JULY 29

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

No Internet Access in New Jersey!!

I'd like to say I can get used to this, but . . . not. I'm glad I'm only here for a week.

Just kidding, I don't know why I only planned for a week trip. Coming all this way should mean a two week minimum stay, but something about being nervous about missing so much class, but in retrospect – stupid. I don't care about classes, classes are useless and frustrating.

Family is great. With the 'rents it's nothing special, they don't treat anything any differently, which is expected and fine. It's mostly been about my brother, sister-in-law, and niece who is almost one year old. She's the star of the show.

July 25, 7:27 p.m.

July 26, 12:20 p.m.

I've made the call that she was a model in a previous life. She knows her angles, she knows how to work the camera, and she's a really picky eater. And my damn brother and sister-in-law keep trying to ruin her figure by stuffing Cheerios in her mouth.

I go to Philly this weekend to visit my other brother who has a 3 year old and also a daughter who just turned 1.

It makes me wax philosophical that your life ends when you have kids. In a good way. Your life becomes their life. The journey that was your life becomes their journey (also not, but that's a different discussion).

It reminds me why I'll never have kids. I think of my childhood, which I'm not going to say was bad, but just the fact of it, and I just don't want to participate in it. I just don't have the heart to create that journey for another being (what a long arduous road that was), and I think about my parents and I don't want to be on that side of it, either, even though I know I could do a much better job than they did, and enjoy it.

I don't know why, but it makes me queasy, thinking of my childhood and upbringing and superimposing that experience on these kids, and I just feel sorry for them. All the details. Just to end up like I am now? Or my brothers? Or sisters-in-law or parents? None of which is bad, just the fact of it.

I don't mind not being around for these kids (although I should also say I don't mind being around for these kids). I don't mind being the mythical uncle they never knew, but people talk about, or is a shimmer in their infant memories. I remember people like that from my childhood, and when people ask me later on if I remember them, I sort of do, but only vaguely.

But then my brother would bring them to visit me still living in my parents' basement, and ruin the effect.

July 20-24

Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey

FRIDAY, JULY 20 - My, what a big nose you have!

4:58 p.m. - Mouth of the Danshui River.

SATURDAY, JULY 21, 3:57 a.m. Taiwan Time or Eastern Standard? I need a standard practice for when to reset the camera clock during long-haul flights. But when? An hour into a flight, an hour before arrival, halfway through? Might be Alaska, might be the Rockies. Anyway, somewhere it was 3:57 a.m. when I took this.

4:27 p.m. - Edgewater, NJ.

4:42-4:46 p.m. - Fort Lee Historic Park. Fort Lee was an actual Revolutionary-era fort named after General Charles Lee, a rival of sorts to George Washington. Fort Washington was across the river on what is now the Washington Heights area of Manhattan. 

10:41 p.m. - Home is where your drum kit lies.

SUNDAY, JULY 22, 6:56 p.m. - Hudson River from my brother's condo, Fort Lee, NJ.

6:58 p.m. - Three New York icons, Circle Line, Little Red Lighthouse and the Great Grey Bridge. Long digital zoom. 

JULY 24, 3:46 p.m. - Grant's Tomb and the Riverside Church from Edgewater, N.J. 

4:21 p.m. - spy shooting.

Nikon N70, Kodak BW400CN. And now for a break in seemingly real-time commentary. From an undisclosed time in the future (hint: a sack of shit is in the White House. Actually, no. I would've voted for a sack of shit over him), I'm trying to figure out my camera use history for personal reasons. I'd been using both Pentax ZX-5n and Nikon N70 alternatively in Taiwan. About half of this roll was shot with the N70 in July 2007, but then the remaining frames are marked as having been shot in January 2008. So the evidence suggests that I left the N70 in New Jersey after this visit. For the rest of 2007, I only shot with the ZX-5n in Taiwan. All of 2008 was also shot with the Pentax except for the end of this roll during a visit in January, suggesting the N70 also remained in New Jersey after that visit. In early 2009, there's a Taiwan roll that I have to guess is the Pentax, but after that roll is a roll shot in the U.S. with the N70. I think it was then that I left the Pentax in New Jersey and took the N70 back to Taiwan for the rest of my film shooting days. 2010 is largely unspecified, which would mean it was so obvious that I was only using the N70 that I didn't need to note it. OK, that sounds like me.

A final mystery is that I only have 24 frames from this roll in my archives, and Kodak BW400CN doesn't come in 24 rolls, only 36. It will have to be an even futurer search to look for what happened to those 12 frames, if they exist, which would cover as much as two weeks of my January 2008 visit to New Jersey.

Finally, the fact that I left this roll half shot in New Jersey may be an indication that I wasn't happy with what I was shooting. I wasn't expecting anything of it and it could wait to be developed in the future. And I do have to say I have mixed feelings about it, but it's not as bad as what is suggested by saying it's not worth developing right away. In the alternative, it may have been a time capsule idea of shooting a roll and then leaving it for the future to be developed. That's happened accidentally before, so maybe I was doing it intentionally this time.

Edgewater, N.J.

From my brother's condo, Fort Lee, N.J.

I stared at this for a long time, repeatedly rotating it before accepting it, rotated 90 degrees and rejecting a cropped, unrotated version.

This is a frame I tried hard to dismiss, but kept liking it more every time I tried to pinpoint the problems (mostly technical) with it. Mixed feelings, I said.

Right on cue after my last post, right after my last class yesterday before leaving for the U.S. today, one of the bald spots on my beater commuter bike blistered, sprung a leak, and left me flat on the Taida campus.

Of the laundry list of things that I thought could fail, that was probably the most likely. Although a crank falling off was a close second. The brakes I could tighten if I wasn't so lazy, and I've never heard of a rear suspension just "falling off", even though that's what it felt it would do.

So I locked the bike on campus and will decide later if it's worth getting a new tire or just abandoning the bike. I'm leaning towards abandoning it, because it is Just Not Worth It. That does mean I would need to find a replacement. I'll try the public transportation thing after I get back, but I doubt I'll last a week.

Heh, so yesterday something came up that had me texting Hyun Ae for the first time in a while. We met up at the beginning of May and the beginning of June, so I thought maybe our relationship could become a once a month thing. But then we both left texts unanswered at the end of June and then radio silence.

I've got a lot to bitch about Hyun Ae. Calling her a good friend would really be stretching it.

But the truth is we met in our first Chinese class in Taiwan, and as everyone else in that class has gone home or away, we've stayed more or less in touch. And more importantly, I don't give a crap that she's in the light of cold, hard facts, a crappy friend.

We connect. I feel we connect, I don't know about her. For our June meeting, I got the itch to text her at the end of May, but then I didn't. I bet myself that she was about to text me, and she did the next day.

And yesterday, after we texted in the afternoon, she told me she'd call in the evening. In the evening I was about to respond to her text, I was holding my phone in my hand, and she called.

Could I love her like Amina? I don't know. I was a different person then, I really can't say. Even if it's irrational, a figment of imagination, Amina is in a league of her own. Which I suppose is what love is. Can I love her like Sadie? Well, since I didn't love Sadie, yes, I can love her like Sadie. Hm. That's it. I do love Hyun Ae. But there's a "fuck that" attached to it.

The point of all this is a feeling that "I can . . . " I don't know what. Love? I wouldn't go that far. Love and the attachment that goes along with it is just not in my reality anymore. But there is something here that is in my reality, i.e., something I can learn something from. Something in this feeling towards Hyun Ae. It's akin to love, but it's not attachment. But isn't that what I learned from Amina? And wasn't it a bitter pill in the end? Won't Hyun Ae be a bitter pill in the end? Wasn't Sadie a bitter pill in the end?

It's time for me to leave for the airport. It's only for a week and a half, but it's still an 18 hour flight. Enough of an ordeal for me to think about "leaving", really leaving. Oh, for once I don't mean suicide. I mean a place. What it means to be in a place and what it means to leave it.

Unless I kill myself here, or near here, I will leave Taipei. That's even more certain than leaving San Francisco. So what should this experience mean to me? This being here? I have my answer, do you have yours?

I bought a new bike! Cheap, too, cheaper than my Peugeot in the U.S., and cheaper than it's selling in the U.S.

July 18, 7:46 a.m. 

It's an entry level OCR2 that I got for less than US$500. It's really weird, though. In Taiwan, from this model up to any bike from any company, I haven't seen anything less than about $1200.

I think this bike is pretty much equal to my Peugeot, maybe a slight bit heavier, but then again I never carried the Peugeot up 6 flights of steps, so this might very easily be lighter. I'm very happy with it.

I really don't see why I would ever need a higher end bike. All I need are the various parts to do their jobs reliably and to be reasonably light (less than 25 lbs. fully loaded). Brake and gear tweaking I can do on my own, and quite honestly, I think I would have to do that on higher end bikes, as well. I don't need a super stiff frame or super silent and smooth shifting.

I'm leaving for the U.S. tomorrow for a week visit, so I'm gonna grab some stuff off the Peugeot to bring back, including clipless pedals, airstick, underseat bag, and computer. I just have to buy a new mount for the computer. I don't feel like taking the mounts off either the Peugeot or my Cannondale.

Neurotic as I am, buying a bike doesn't just mean buying a bike. I'm wondering what it means. The idea was that when I return to the U.S., I would sell this bike, but what if I grow attached to it? So there's an attachment issue. A material items issue.

Expenditure of money that isn't mine? That's kind of an issue. It relates to the suicide issue, but not really. I'm over that. That's one thing I'm working on not being neurotic about anymore. Suicide in relationship to stuff and relationships with people is a non-issue.

It's good to be riding again, even though since coming to Taiwan, I've actually gotten my running back up to speed regularly for the first time since the 1999 marathon injury. I thought I'd never be a runner again, but the distances, times, and frequency that I've been doing runs has matched or exceeded what I was doing before that injury.

Running is still deeper in my soul and identity, but I like the distances travelled by riding. Far more interesting. Plus I can carry a camera when riding. I went out this morning with my Pentax on my back, although I should get a lightweight skin if I'm going to subject it to baking under the Taiwan sun while on my back.

Yea, so a week in New Jersey. Not a lot. If I can extend it without having to pay more I will. I don't know what I was thinking, going for only 10 days. Anyway, leave me your number if you want me to call you. Sadie did.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 18, 6:26 a.m. - Riding down the left bank of the Xindian River again.

Consumer review: Giant OCR2 road bicycle

 

Rating: 7 out of 10 

I bought this Taiwan-made bike because I wanted a road bike for my time here in Taiwan, and I wanted one cheap since I had no intention of bringing it back to the U.S. when I left. At US$475, I thought this bike was a steal, and for the price I'm very happy with the bike. But being happy with the bike for the price is different from thinking it's a great bike. It's not a great bike, it's a good bike with its shortcomings readily apparent. 

I changed the brake pads almost immediately, within a week or two. I had read reviews complaining about how they felt "mushy", and that was 100% right. That's one area where Giant cut costs. For serious road riding, add the price of new, better quality brake pads to the cost (about $20). 

Also lowering the cost of the bike (but will be added after purchase) are the cheap tires, which will last longer than the brakes but you'll want to replace them sooner rather than later. Of course all tires wear out and need replacing, so this may be no big deal. If you let the originals go bald, you'll feel it in the lack of confidence on downhills and on wet roads. Nothing gets under the skin of my confidence when I feel the wheels slide several millimeters sideways on wet asphalt. They also lose all resistance to glass shards. 

The Shimano components are competent but cheap. The derailleurs are very hard to get right in tune and so the drive train is noisy. Unless you're a mechanic and put time into it yourself, it's hard to find that "sweet spot" where shifting feels really good, but at this price I can't complain too much. Emphasis on the competent. 

Also low-cost is the design and road vibration isn't absorbed in this design, so you feel every bump and crack through your hands on the headset. 

What makes this a good bike is the price. And at this price (which actually has gone up about US$300 due to inflation a year after I bought mine), this bike has satisfied me on many rides and many hundreds of miles in my short time in Taipei. It's a competent, no-nonsense road bike, and if this kind of quality is Giant's entry-level road bike, then I'll definitely look into their higher end lines if I look into something more serious.

July 14 - Taipei World Trade Center, Xinyi District.

July 15, 6:46 p.m. - Xindian skyline detail from my window.

Went with some current classmates this evening to a museum of sorts called Taipei Storyland, next to the Shin Kong Mitsukoshi landmark building across the street from Taipei Main Station. It's a concept museum depicting Taipei life in the 1960s and may not be a permanent museum (much less a permanent exhibit).

All the shots are blurry, testifying to the Ricoh Caplio R4's poor performance in low light, but the re-creations of 60s Taipei were still quite fascinating. Not so much what I think of as photography as much as recording something I did or somewhere I went. Although there are still the elements of composition, aesthetic and deciding what's worthy of posting.

7:06-8:37 p.m.

"what are we suppose to be doing on a daily basis in Buddhism?"

I guess that's a legitimate question. And there's probably a legitimate answer.

What furrows my brow about this Google search is the suggestion (that I'm reading into it) of looking for answers or guidance outside of us. Like someone knows us better than we know or can know ourselves. I blanch at the idea that we're supposed to be doing anything, like we aren't what we think we are if we're not doing something sanctioned by someone else.

This has come up as an easy issue for me here in Taiwan where Buddhism is more conservative, dogmatic, authoritarian, and very much linked to Confucian Chinese culture. Easy issue because I don't buy it, never have. At a . . . "class" at a Chung Tai-affiliated . . . branch place, a nun admonished us, "To be a Buddhist you must be vegetarian, if you're not vegetarian, you're not Buddhist". Not that I care about being Buddhist or not, but I smiled and thought, "ok, I'm not Buddhist". Easy. Should I leave now?

And I would have thought the same thing even if I was vegetarian. I wouldn't have thought, with not a little bit of smug self-righteousness, "ah, I'm vegetarian. I belong here and she's speaking to me". Even if I was vegetarian, it was that dogmatic, authoritarian, patronizing tone that turned me off and brought out the snark in me.

And it was a "class", not a Dharma Talk. They even called it a class. The nun was there to teach us something. It wasn't a "talk". Very Chinese, Confucian, paternalistic. And it was a Chung Tai branch, but it wasn't a practice center. No one spoke of practice. This wasn't my only experience with Chung Tai, and from my experience and what I've heard, they're pretty bogus. I gather they're maybe the equivalent of Christian televangelists in the U.S.?

I thought about this today, too, because of ants.

I've always had ants in my apartment and until today I let them be. There weren't that many and their presence wasn't linked to any food source, so as far as I was concerned, they were out for a stroll. They weren't a problem until last night.

Funny how it works, I usually never get into bed without pulling back the covers and looking. I don't know what I expect to find, but in Taiwan you never know. Last night I didn't, and five minutes into falling asleep I felt something crawling on me. Suffice it to say, there were quite a few ants on my pillow and bed. This is the first time they ventured onto my bed, which is also why I've left them alone. I knew once they were in my bed, I would consider it a problem. I didn't freak out, but I killed them. It was a massacre. This morning they were still present and so I went out and got a Combat ant trap. They seem to be gone now. I killed them all.

I found myself asking, "Is it really cool for me to be killing things?" Then I was like, "Who am I asking?" What would that nun say? What would the main teacher at Dharma Drum Mountain monastery, who lived in solitude in the mountains and welcomed critters into his hermitage as friends, say? What would the Deer Park monks or Thich Nhat Hanh say? And how would I react if they told me what I did was wrong and bad, when I don't buy into black and white moralistic notions of wrong and bad?

What do I say when I wake up and find my bed covered with ants, and unless I kill them, I can think of no reason why they'd go away on their own accord? I say I do what I feel I have to do in a given situation. If I was a monk or a hermit I wouldn't have killed them, I would have thought further for some other solution. That would have been my commitment. But for who I am today, with my background yesterday, in the situation I've placed myself into here now and what I had for breakfast that morning and considering my horoscope, every time I think it through, killing them always falls within the realm of reason.

I'm not thrilled about it. I'm not completely remorseless about it, just not to the point of not killing them. Maybe on a daily basis, I'm not supposed to be massacring other living beings. But it always depends. Unless you're ready for sainthood, you might always find yourself in a situation where you're going to decide to kill those ants.

And if none of this is really helpful, then cultivating mindfulness is what you should be doing on a daily basis. There are good ways to do this and bad ways, better ways and worse ways. And some sort of meditation practice is the best way to anchor the mindfulness practice, which might take years to come to any fruition, depending on the depth of practice. But even a weak practice if maintained regularly for years will snowball into a substantial practice. I can almost guarantee that. Maintaining a weak practice for years is a substantial practice.

I'm at the Taida main library. Looks like the rain ain't stopping.

I know I complain about the rain a lot, but since the last big rain and round of complaining in early June, it hasn't been that bad. That is, it rains just about every afternoon, sometimes squalling to beat the dam down, but then it stops, clears up and dries out.

In fact, just about every morning in recent memory has suggested bright and sunny days ahead. Since I get up right around sunrise, I'm sure I could have stepped outside onto the rooftop deck and tracked the location of the sunrises northward. Well, if there wasn't a building in the way.

And I guess the sunrises would stop moving northward after the Solstice, which was when?, around June 20?

And depending on when I've been able to drag myself out of the apartment, it could be sunny or cloudy. If reasonably early, it would be sunny. If not, say after noon, then the likelihood is that cloud cover would already have spread.

I expect afternoon rain, so I try to get whatever I have to get done first, and then park my bike at a covered bike lot on campus, and from there walk to the library or class. In Taipei, always carry an umbrella.

And then it rains and I have 3:30 class. Often it stops by the end of class, but if it doesn't I go to the library and wait it out and then happily ride home, feeling good about myself for having studied some. Or blogged-d.

Looking back at these past few days, I can't say that they've been any good. Old habits re-emerging, the usual battle with my negativity and kicking out images from my head of beating people down in a vengeful rage. It doesn't help that the Taiwanese national pastime is getting in other people's way. With specializations in not looking where they're walking.

Last month in Wulai I witnessed a van driver bump a pedestrian woman who was in his way. I have trouble not imagining me going ape-shit on the van if it were me. Seems like a reasonable response to me. The woman's response of offended surprise and giving a dirty look did not seem appropriate to me. Ape-shit, I say. I probably would have joined in as it happened right in front of me (I had just stepped out of the way).

This language definitely isn't sinking in. I still hardly understand a word I hear, and I'm trying to dedicate myself an hour every night sitting in front of the TV trying to convince myself I understand what it's saying. It all sounds the same. How do you make a language out of, like, 16 sounds, and stretching them out by assigning them 4 different tones?

Alas, more than a billion people speak this language or a variation of it, and have done so for several thousand years, I really need to stop blaming the language for my inability to learn it.

At least I've confirmed visiting the U.S. in late July. I have confirmed seats for a week visit, but I might try to see if I can stretch that out to two weeks. That's a long ways to go for just a week. Especially since I don't plan to go back for at least a year after this time.

July 2, 6:47 p.m. - Sunset with classmate, Santi, an incredible photographer.

WordsCharactersReading time

on a night too hot to sleep, I lay in bed fading but not sinking. but enough to dream. dream consciousness. i became aware of consciousness that is attached to, contingent upon a biological being. because of my biology, this consciousness occurs.

but somewhere in there was an awareness of a consciousness that is not attached to biology. and from there it's not a far stretch to think that this has something to do with the "pristine cognition" in the Tibetan Book of the Dead. This has something to do with the subtle mental body. luminous awareness.

something to do with, not it itself. Because i was thinking about it, or perceiving it, or thinking of perceiving it, it was a function of my biological being. it was glancing glance at it. like when you can't see a star when you look directly at where you think it is, but if you look off-axis, then it's there.

this is something new to add to my 'consciousness as something akin to dark energy' theory. not saying that consciousness has something to do with dark energy that astrophysicists are theorizing, but that the idea of a mysterious energy that pervades the universe and comprises about 75% of it, and about which we know next to nothing, is an inspiration for what may be the ground of human or life consciousness.

that consciousness has a naturally occurring basis in the universe. it's based on some fundamental energy that has taken concrete form in cooperation with biological life, not unlike how molecules and atoms coalesce to form matter.

wait, so what's my thesis now? am I saying consciousness is a function of biology or not, or both? Both, I guess. Or that fundamentally it's not a function of biology, but biology makes it something, makes something out of it. Shocks it into being something, and by doing so it becomes something particular to biological life on this particular planet.

I'm never done trailing this out...

The realization about what Zen does in relation to other teachings I've come across has to do with the Zen idea of "no mind". That's a poor translation and is the source of the misinterpretation that Zen seeks nihilation, emptying the mind so that there is nothing there. In that way, having an "empty mind" is not the goal, neither is achieving a state of "no mind".

The conception of the "empty mind" that results from that poor terminology of "empty mind" is impossible. There is no such thing as an empty mind. Even during sitting, we are aware of our bodies and our surroundings. These things are fact, these things are in our minds just by our beings, so just by our existence, our minds cannot be "empty".

Furthermore, by being alive, it is impossible for thoughts not to arise in our minds. That's the brain's functioning, to give rise to cognitive thought. Again, "empty mind" is not possible.

The better term for the idea is "non-clinging mind" (Teflon mind?), and that is what Zen practice trains. Thoughts arise, but we don't cling to them, we let them go.

But that's not the end of the practice. That is the practice for something else. Practicing non-clinging in our minds and thoughts is training to not cling to desires, to attachments, or to aversions. Even not cling to our lives as if they were something permanent and could be held onto by will.

Maybe I ate a particularly delicious apple fritter. Then during sitting, the memory of the apple fritter arises and I think about it. I remember how delicious it was and how satisfied I felt while eating it. Maybe I'll look forward in anticipation to the next apple fritter I eat. Or worst case scenario, I break sitting to seek the apple fritter . . .

OK, I'm back. Man, that was good fritter.

Anyway, the rise of the memory of the apple fritter could not have been prevented. It happened, it went into our memory as a strong pleasurable feeling, it would inevitably arise again. That it happens during sitting gives us the opportunity for it to arise and let it go, not cling to it. That's practice, training.

It's not that we don't enjoy the apple fritter when we eat it, but when the clinging thoughts and desire arise later, we train ourselves to not suffer from them by letting them go, using some symbolic or metaphorical visualization, such as putting the leaf back into the stream and letting it flow away.

It all seems so obvious and sophomoric when I write it out. I just enjoyed the returning to Zen and realizing that things from other schools fit in very well. For the purpose of the other philosophies, Zen is a viable tool. Maybe not for everyone, but it's a legitimate, viable tool.

WordsCharactersReading time

trying to unmuck. going into incoherent mode.

Whent to DDM's international practice session yesterday. for the first time since April. it was good because there were only three of us aside from the monk leading. prolly a good thing i missed last week when they said 10 people showed up. too many for my tastes. Will probably go again next week. no prognosis on after that. trying to open my heart but people tend to make me shut it down. you have that affect on me.

Zen is still a good tool. After wandering away from zen for a while and finding other teachings, going back to it I find it is doing what I learned in other teachings also. What I don't like is dogma such as saying zen is the most direct way. everyone says that. even the Dali Llama says that about Tibetan Buddhism. I think they're all right, I just think it's useless making such pronouncements. and not.

Even my Thai classmate. He lent me a book that I'm finding to be really good. It's of the Theravadan tradition – Thai, forest tradition, conservatively sticking to direct teachings sourced to the Buddha. It purports to get to the heart of the teachings and practice, it's all we need to know, the most basic and pure teaching. I think it's right. or not. either way I just don't care about such characterizations. just makes me think you're trying to convince me of something, yo'm sayin' homeslice?

All these people who think they know what they're talking about.

Or. no. All these people talking like they think they know me.

no.

All these people talking, and me thinking they think they know what they're talking about me.

bastards. no one knows what they're talking about.

actually, at the DDM session, I brought up my recent thoughts about service, and the monk didn't respond or say anything like he knew exactly what I was talking about and knew what to say. I appreciated that.

Molting. I feel like peeling my muscles out from under my skin.

I'm second guessing my motivation behind that stuff about service, which I highly doubt I will implement seeing as I'm a lame-ass and would rather kill myself than help other people or stop my negativity. I'm wondering how much is psychological, how much of the motivation is something I'm not aware of.

I close my eyes, breathe, and the world goes on around me when I'm not here.

My body is a huge space. When I die, images will emerge into this space. I will remember everything. I will know things that I didn't know. And the relevance will all depend on what I'm able to cultivate while I'm in this living life part of the life-death cycle.

Outside of this huge space is the illusory world, projections like light and shadow in a movie theater. Manifestation of something called pristine cognition, pure consciousness. Appearances are a distillation of it, wisps and vapors.

I can do as I please with this space and this world. Who will be affected? Let's see how far I can throw a rock.

What a mess, I don't have anything to say, I don't have anything to think. All the same questions remain and loom, I'm not solving or resolving anything.

The issue of service has come up. There are many things in this lifetime that I have identified as "not an issue", but the idea of service has been coming lately and red flags have been going up in my mind indicating – this is an issue.

Things like eating meat – not an issue. Entering a monastery – turns out not an issue. "Moral" aspects of suicide – not an issue. Etc., etc. But service . . . resonating recently has been the teaching, as well as a resonant sense, that karmic or negative obscurations can be cleared through service. Negative obscurations specifically being identified as an issue when I was at Deer Park.

Service, what does it mean? It means acting in an official capacity for the benefit of others. Service doesn't mean just doing good or being good.

Several months ago I was riding along on my bike when I saw an old man on a bike loaded with flattened cardboard tip over in the street, blocking some traffic. He might have been nudged by a car, no surprise there.

I didn't think, I just came around and started helping get this guy upright, out of traffic and on his way. Another woman who was also there helped out, too. The old guy was engaged with the person who might have nudged him, who was telling him it wasn't safe to be riding with his bike so heavily loaded.

No one paid me any mind, no words or looks were exchanged, but we got his bike upright and traffic flowing. I quickly discerned there was nothing left for me to do, and I took off without any acknowledgement, not expecting any or any gratitude. It's supposed to be a selfless act, sponging for gratitude would've been cheap.

I rode away disgusted with myself. So I helped this guy out selflessly, so I was supposed to feel good about myself? I'm such a good person? Negative obscurations. There's something right in all this, as well as something twisted. And that sort of so-called selfless help to one particular individual is not what service is about.

I'm still trying to work out what it is about, and I feel the resistance inside me. It's not my style, I just want to be alone, I don't want to serve. But service is the one way to help clear these obscurations. Furthermore, I'm constantly telling myself to cultivate breaking habits. Do what I automatically wouldn't do. Service is something I naturally am not inclined to do.

The pathetic part is that service is the easiest thing in the world. What I recently mentioned about being something to someone. That would be service. It's different from helping that one old guy because it's an ongoing commitment. Being a school teacher, a parent, part of the PTA is service.

All I have are lines running down the back of my legs, bleeding.

7:07 p.m. - From my studio window. People waiting for the garbage truck. That's the way it works here. Garbage trucks come to collection points at appointed times and households have to bring out their own garbage. 

7:09 p.m. - Oh wait, that's a recycling truck. Same idea. Long zoom, low light, blurry is alright when it's expected.

June 15-18

FRIDAY, JUNE 15, 1:18 p.m. - Oft-shot subject, Xindian riverside bikeway to school. Treasure Hill to the right, Yongfu Bridge to the left, elevated freeway above that becomes double-decker behind me from this vantage point under the Fuhe Bridge.

1:19 p.m. - Taking shelter from the rain under the Fuhe Bridge. To the left of the column with the numbers, a person across the river is visible. Some might say a unique quality of photography is to capture details that were unseen at the time and that other mediums such as painting would overlook. Painters might say photography lacks imagination and a good painter would have included such details whether they were there or not, including the white dog right of center.

SUNDAY, JUNE 17, 12:11 p.m. - Birds hangin' around in a crick. I took a bus from Taipei Main Station to Jinshan township on the northeastern coast of Taiwan to visit Dharma Drum Mountain monastery. Jinshan, an hour and a half away by bus with lots of stops, is fairly considered rural.

Jinshan street shooting. I got off the bus in Jinshan town, neglecting to notice the bus actually goes all the way to Dharma Drum Mountain. It became an opportunity to shoot the walk to DDM. Pentax ZX-5n, Kodak BW400CN.

I do try to include a human element in photos when available. There's a person on the right-hand side of the photo. Some might say a unique qua . . . oh, nevermind.

I'm fighting the rain with chocolate. Lots of it. I bought a bulk pack of 10 bars of some Hershey's knock off. Don't know if it's working, but at least it will fatten me up. That was sarcasm.

The most memorable image for me from Pan's Labrynth is when Ofelia is eating the grapes. She just looks so smug and self-satisfied and it's a total break from the character the rest of the time. Popping bits of broken up chocolate bars into my mouth makes me feel smug and self-satisfied. It also makes me swat away the fairies flying around me trying to get me to stop.

Rain. Is that all it takes to take me out? To turn me into a withering, simpering, sad excuse of existence, even more pathetic than usual? If that's so, then I really don't deserve to be here. See? All roads lead in one direction. For all of us really.

Watching clips from a bunch of graduation speeches at Commencements around the country made me wonder about what it takes to be somebody worthy to give a Commencement pep talk. Stars and luminaries telling these fresh-faced graduates about what's actually not ahead of them, but that they should strive for it anyway.

But then I thought, all they're saying is to be someone. Be someone to somebody. And that is the easiest thing in the world. Be someone to somebody, and you can make a world of difference, and even if it's just one life, it's worth it. You're just as worthy.

And wow, it's the easiest thing in the world, and I can't even do it. I can't accomplish being anything to anybody. I'm not saying I haven't been something to people, that I haven't made a difference to someone. Just based on odds, I must have.

But the world I've created for myself, I can just walk away and no one would notice. That's by design. Even people I've made a difference to in the past wouldn't know if I disappeared, because I already did. That's by design. Why don't I take advantage of it?

Let the rain keep coming, and I just might. The rain just doesn't stop, and I feel every drop that hits the ground.

Not sure what this blog is supposed to be doing now. It's not quite tracing any decline as it purports to, as it should. It's not tracing any progress as I'd like it to. Taiwan is no longer new, so no explorations to muse about. Nothing happening.

If I were to write anything, it would just be tracing my complacency.

It's been raining for seven days. It was on the sixth day that it finally got to me, like wires wrapped around my bones, suddenly tightening, gripping. I was doing so well, too. The weather had been a marked improvement over last year. Not as much rain, just hot. And when it rained, it squalled then stopped.

But this has been real rain, days of drear, and after raining for more than 24 hours straight, today it's off and on, sometimes hard, sometimes a lighter drizzle, sometimes even almost stopping. Whenever it comes down hard I feel the tightening.

I let my apartment run out of alcohol, and I've been resisting going out for the sole purpose of making sure that doesn't happen again. I'm trying for only when I go out anyway. And what I said before about the rain guaranteeing something – that still feels like it holds. It's just a feeling. The feeling.

SATURDAY, JUNE 2, 9:49 a.m. - Sunny, west-southwest from my window.

SUNDAY, JUNE 3 - New ways of shooting Taipei 101. Pentax ZX-5n, Kodak BW400CN.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 6, 9:31-9:32 a.m. - Rain, south-southeast and west-southwest out my window.

6:11 p.m. - Jingmei River under Roosevelt Rd.

JUNE 9 - Roadside shrine. ISO 800.