I don't understand the reason for the relationship-themed dreams I'd been having, when I've reached the point where falling in love doesn't mean anything anymore outside of myself. Falling in love has become something objective, not something to act on. Whether I can fall in love is not the question, I know I can. I have in the recent past to two inaccessible people.

What if they were accessible and reciprocated? Could I resist? I like to think so, because nothing would change about the underlying thesis that I have no desire to intermesh my life with someone else, I have no meaningful desire for intimacy. But in reality I probably could not resist. I'm counting on the likelihood of not falling in love with someone who both is accessible and reciprocates. Par for the course.

What about an accessible person that I didn't fall in love with from the start, but could eventually love if our paths took us in that direction? Mutual interest, hanging out, getting comfortable, feeling, falling.

I can't. Intimacy. Why intimacy? I'm not scared of intimacy, I just see no more reason for it. I can feel its power when confronted with it, but otherwise I have no desire for it. I've disconnected with the world, my life, and my future, so why be intimate, make a connection, with another person any more? If it's something I can stop, I must. I must stop this.