Just Do It:
Nike commercials are probably bad for the suicidal. Reading my journal entries from way back, for someone who claims he has always been suicidal, I sure didn't act like it. But that makes sense, it can still always be in the background as physical life goes on.

What am I gonna write? "Today I went to the supermarket and got milk, chicken, chips, and pizza, and I'm gonna kill myself next September. T-minus 9 months"? Of course not, but I think it's there.

It's a little strange writing about this so forthrightly here, but I've seen blogs that are worse where everything is doom, gloom, torture, and teenage angst. Here it's just thinly veiled doom, gloom, torture, and teenage angst.

But seriously, for me it's just fact, and maybe that's what's so strange about it? I'm not pouring my heart down my shirt sleeve, bleeding about how unbearable it all is or why I'm thinking of doing it. For me it's just time, it's perfect, I could stay, but I just need to leave. It doesn't make sense to me to stay, given who I am and what I believe and don't believe in. All my goals are behind me, I don't want anything else, what can another 10, 20, 50 be?

But then there's that old voice asking, "well then what the hell are you waiting for?", "brother's getting married in June, I don't want to ruin that", "oh give me a fucking break, if you're not doing it now, you're not gonna do it then". I don't know, it's possible. I'll just have to wait and see.