Still more relationship dreams. Last night it was an old ex from over ten years ago, Sakuko. I received something, a postcard maybe, telling me that she was now in Virginia and still wanted to be with me. My first thought was to visit her immediately. My second thought was 'why Virginia?'.

If Sakuko and I got together now, I think it would work. Back then, I was too emotionally and mentally screwed up to maintain a stable relationship. There was nothing wrong with her. She was a lovely, good person. All that was wrong was all me, and she didn't deserve that.

I'm much better now. The only thing that remains is the not wanting to live part. A pretty important part. How can you get into relationships when you fundamentally do not want to be here and are perpetually intending not to be?