Dear life, you have no idea how surreal you have become, do you? You have no idea how big you've become, how many moulds you can fit. You do, however, realize how lucky you are and how wonderful it all is, don't you?

If my life were a movie, it would be a psychological drama, a la "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" or "Girl Interrupted". But, there isn't anything yet I can identify to make the story compelling; nothing to make my character uniquely sympathetic. I could just fade out into the sunset, a la "Ghost World", or my entire life can just fade to white like "The Unbearable Lightness of Being".

I'm still working through the layers and layers of letting go of people. Intellectually, I'm OK with my parents, they need this, but emotionally I still feel bad. Good, I should. I don't doubt that there will be pain involved. My brothers will also feel it, but they'll let it go as an unsolved mystery without delving into it. My long term friends and acquaintances don't matter. It's just something natural for them to process, death is a part of life, they couldn't have done anything.

So who would be the most affected? Whose lives intersect mine most critically? The short list turns out to be pretty darned short.

But nothing is solid. I just have nothing concrete ahead right now. I have no date set. I just want a warm date in August, give or take a month to make sure nothing is imminent enough for committal. Tucson is still in the running. Portland is still in the running. I'm really not saying anything right now.