I don't know what I was talking about with the "downward spiraling" this weblog. That may be one aspect of what's going on, but equally valid is the aspect that there is no "spiral", there is no "downward". This just is.

But that downward spiral, that pushing my head and holding it under water, may also be a necessary part of this process, the hard, emotional part of the process that I've been denying.

OK, they are both part of it. I need the feeling of the downward spiral, because that's the nature of what this is, but I also need the cold objective "this is just the natural progression of my life" to make sure I'm not doing anything rash. And believe me, after 15+ years, there is nothing "rash" going on in here.

It is different this time. Before, I could always at least envision a life attractive enough to continue. But now, even best case scenarios, and things have been looking up, won't do it. People can touch this skin, touch these scars, get under my skin, and nothing makes me want to be in this skin or be in this head or behind these eyes anymore.

In a best case scenario, I've been selling myself short in believing that my actions will keep me locked in the cycle of rebirths, when really all the things I've experienced and learned have really liberated me and this is my last physical life on earth. It doesn't matter what I do, I've cut through the veil without even knowing it. I haven't.

One of my fave zen stories is the one where the master announces so-and-so monk had attained enlightenment. All the other monks rush to him and gather around and ask what it feels like to be enlightened. The monk replies, "As miserable as ever."

In a best case scenario, someone falls in love with me and helps me appreciate my life for what it is. No.

In a best case scenario, I win the lottery. No?

In a best case scenario, I'm committed and have my freedom completely stripped away.

In a best case scenario, I give up all my worldly possessions and wander and seek. I'm not brave enough.

In a best case scenario, we just fall in love unconditionally and we just live our lives day to day, getting through what each day to day brings. In the sea of love, there are no shores, all you can do is drown.

It is July. I am brave.