I received a mix Meghan sent me today and I could have cried, but I couldn't. So I watched the second half of "West Side Story" and that put me over.

I was fortunate to have been exposed to "West Side Story" at a pretty early age, being told it was an American masterpiece. I feel sorry for anyone who is so jaded by modernity that they can't see the brilliance in that film and can't let themselves be folded into the story.

Meghan isn't making things easy, as it's perfectly within her realm to not make things easy. As it was with Sadie's email a few days ago, the message was so hard to read. It's so hard to accept positive emotions from anyone, positive affirmation. I'm the silhouetted decrepit skeleton of some sunken Spanish galleon. I don't mean anything to anyone anymore, and even if I do, and now I know I do, what does that mean?

My eyes glaze and I skim over the words. I have to force myself to stop, slow down, and read each word and take them in. No, it's not easy. It's not easy when people tell you point blank that they love you, that you are special. I can accept it intellectually, I don't have esteem/confidence issues, but looking at the monolith of my being, being special to another human being is just no longer a part of it.

No, Meghan isn't making anything easier. Sadie, with access, when accessed, isn't making anything easier. Delphine, who has no idea whatsoever, does not make things easier.

No, this isn't the first time that Meghan has made me grip my computer keyboard until I realized I was about to break off several letters which would not be a good thing. In my experience with the English language, you really need all 26 letters. Eksept maybe 'x'. The 'w' and the '1' were most often the likely victims. But the core of my being, this mortal coil, shimmering and glowing, can't help but want to explode.