Several weeks ago I was bemoaning the lack of angst and despair I'm going through should I decide to snuff it, which really isn't a "decision" at all. The inconvenience and bother I'd be causing would not seem to match what I was going through to cause that inconvenience and bother. I felt kinda guilty.

But, no, I think it's here, just in a weird form. I've already gone through all that and nothing ever really resolved. It's all been sublimated into the fabric of my being. It's here, hidden, and it's the basis of my existence to not exist.

It's not cavalier, or random. I'm not tortured about it because I've already gone through that. The decision was made a long time ago. The execution is just a manifestation of that decision, and the only factor is when. Not 'why?'. So when? Why now? That's the only question. That answer is personal only to me.

The decision having been made, I contemplate the fact every day now. It's just a fact now, no dramatics. Just resolve. And goddam, it's not a big deal, life goes on. There will be some moments of extreme shock for a limited few, but that fades, and after a while it's just something for people to contemplate and maybe "feel bad" about. I should have left a long time ago, and it's not like I haven't enriched lives since then, but life would have gone on. And it will.