Suicide is so much theory and concept to me. That's not normal. Where's the despair? Where's the misery? I've cleaned it up, scrubbed it anti-septic, made it logical (to me), gave it reason (to me), justified it (to me), and claim that it isn't an emotional decision or issue to me. But suicide is an inherently emotional issue, it's an act of desperation, of despair. So if suicide is still an issue for me, then those elements necessarily must still be in here somewhere, right?

I spent the evening searching out mental health/cutting blogs and found a bunch. Some people can be so honest. In one, it seems that everyone around her knows about her. Blows me away. And everyone who knows, cares and can express it.

I try to keep secret from most people. Some people know about me, but they can't talk about it. I know they care but I won't let them express it. But I can't even be honest with myself. I can't write with the self-awareness that she has because I don't know what's going on or what's driving it. Even writing this now, I'm not quite sure exactly which issue I'm talking about! I have one in mind, but it bleeds into the at least two other issues.

I don't know if any of this is relevant anymore. I just need to hold things together just a little longer. Holding things together is irrelevant. A little longer is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. I am BORG.

I'm not sure if I completed this posting with the intended thought I started out with. May need to continue it later.