I tend to write only the negative and angsty aspects of what's going on, mostly because that's what stands out in my day to day experience of it. It's also easier to focus on to express. In calmer moments, it doesn't occur to me to post about it.

That says something in itself. Maybe people who are more truly at peace and more comfortable with it would be more likely to post about that, and less comfortable posting about the negative and angsty.

An invisible part of me is looking forward to implementing what I've held in principle for all these years – that I want to be in a setting that investigates the nature of my being more closely, not attached to distractions and attractions of the physical manifestation of some "more real" reality.

The reason why I haven't taken this step yet is because I am strongly attached to this physical manifestation of life. I face and have to admit to this attachment most clearly when I'm lying in bed, looking at the ceiling, stressed and confused about this decision. But in the end, it's something I have to at least investigate. It's a reality I have to face.

There's nothing wrong with being attached to life, life is wonderful in all it's beautiful and ugly, happy and sad, varied aspects. I just decided for myself that I believe human experience goes beyond that and it is time for me to investigate it more thoroughly.

I don't want to float through a life of striving and yearning for something bearable, or comfortable or even wonderful, only to die, even though the end result is the same – I die. Ultimately, all religions are about that death-point and the meaning you bring to it. But ultimately, no one experientially knows what that's about.

Life is for living, and it's probably good enough just to be a good person and do good things. Know what makes you happy and enjoy your experiences, and suffer through your trials and just do your best. You don't need to make outward expressions of faith that, no matter how benignly you express it, is bound to offend or threaten someone.

It's all very nice. I could do it. But it doesn't make sense to me to do that. It makes sense for me to investigate beyond this physical experience of reality, even if it ultimately all becomes a big nothing in the end, my beautiful friend, the end.

So a part of me is looking forward to this part of my journey, my inquiry, my investigation. But going to a monastery is really no different from joining a rock band, getting a good job, getting further degrees, moving to the desert, becoming an astronomer, becoming a train engineer, or being a father, brother, son, brother-in-law, uncle. And, of course, committing suicide, even though that would lose anyone left on this train of thought.