I was actually thinking of instead of taking the train out to the monastery near San Diego, to jump on a plane to San Francisco. No luggage. No one would be the wiser for at least several months.
My parents leave for vacation on Monday. They'll be gone for three weeks. I'm planning to leave for the monastery before they come back. (Yes, they know (yet they still have no clue!)).
My doubts are unfounded. My anxiety is about something totally else.
Suicide and monastery are basically the same thing conceptually. That's a good thing. That's a good way to look at it. Although "good" is problematic, and betrays my rejection of judgments and what anyone else thinks.
People read about suicide and insist that at the root of it must be mental illness. It behooves me that they totally ignore how much effort and energy I need to spend to maintain this level of mental illness. It ain't easy.
