I woke up with a loud chatter in my head. Tendrils and wisps descending from the sky to obscure my way as I walked to morning sitting at 5:30. Walking meditation. A slow, mindful walk in the crisp, quiet mountain air, the loud twitter of birds competing with the loud chatter in my head. Morning sitting was competent, but chattery and jittery. What am I doing here?

Mind assaulted by doubts. What did I hope to accomplish by coming to the monastery when I knew I couldn’t get away from myself. The demons that came up on the outside were sure to come up again here. And how.

I'm thinking about heading back out into the world for several months before really thinking about ordination. I don't want to continue this flaky aspirancy which will no doubt culminate in flaky ordination because I didn't get myself clear. I do have to be clear, though, on what I think leaving will accomplish in getting myself clear.

I'm thinking of going to Japan for three months after my brother's wedding, instead of going straight to the root monastery in France. I'm thinking of Nagasaki since I really did find that city to my taste much more than other Japanese cities. I have no logistics yet, so I have no idea if I'm serious about this.

The idea is that when I go to the root monastery, I'm very clear about my aspiration to be a monk, enough so that I can at least get the words out of my mouth, "I would like to request consideration to become an aspirant," which I haven't been able to do here. I've just assumed I'm an aspirant and expected everyone else to assume the same.