It's a cool and spitty day in the San Diego area. I thought San Diego was like the Bay Area with rain all but non-existent after the rainy season ended. Guess not. Miserable and spitty day. Most of the community decided to go to the beach of all places. I'm glad I declined.

Instead, I stayed and wrote a letter to the community about my being unclear about my aspirancy. I presented my thoughts about not going directly to the root monastery after my brother's wedding, and staying out for 3-5 months to try to get clear; not going to the root monastery until I got clear, not go to the root monastery as a flaky aspirant.

I'll show the letter to a few brothers to get feedback before presenting it to the community, since this idea popped up on Tuesday, and I'm still not sure what I think about it. I'm not going to present it through my so-called mentor, because I realize that with my flaky aspirancy, he probably doesn't consider me his mentee. That's reasonable. Frees me up.

As for the 3-5 months of getting clear on my aspirancy, I'm thinking what else I could do if Nagasaki ends up not being feasible. Hanging out in the New Jersey area is out of the question, no. Travel? Go to Tibet like my cousin suggested?

Then I thought why not go back to San Francisco and try out that quasi-hermit idea I had way back when? Doing that would have the best leads for a place to live and best opportunities if I decided to work part-time. Not as exotic as Nagasaki, but definitely less distracting. Oh, and I'd be back in San Francisco. Guess what tired subject becomes part of the equation again. It was just about exactly a year ago, wasn't it?

Getting clear about aspirancy, eh? Like looking into a fogged mirror and wiping it clear with a cloth. Maybe it's not monastic aspirancy I'm trying to get clear. To be a monk, serving all beings through the monastic lifestyle needs to be our highest aspiration. Whenever I asked myself what my highest aspiration was, monasticism was always second highest. My highest aspiration, my true passion on this path is elsewhere. So if I end up in San Francisco, I'll be trying to get clear about that aspirancy as well.