Momentum. Not going directly to the root monastery in August? It doesn’t seem real, but it’s happening. People are already talking like I know what I’m doing. Have the monastics seen this before, and are not expecting me back? Probably they really don’t care because people come and go all the time, and as non-committal as I’ve been, they haven’t put much energy into me. If I told them I was leaving and not coming back, it would be no loss to them.

I already feel like I’ve fallen off. My mind is already half out of here. This is supposed to be just a step to get me clear on the monastic path and back on it. Why do I feel like I’ve given up? Good riddance, no one is encouraging me to stay on the path, but the path is something I need to be on by my own will. I have my own will, but it’s not the kind that would keep me on the path.

All I had to do was request aspirancy. So simple, but something stopped me. I’ve been trying to get in touch with the feeling that stopped me; I’ve been trying to get in touch with the cause of the feeling, the root. I’ve gotten close, but it eludes me. Maybe something is chasing me, my demons. Or maybe I’m chasing after something, something to resolve, and not having resolved it, I would fail as a monk. I would always have this issue disturbing my practice. But something is pulling me. It stopped me from requesting aspirancy.

I’m trying to realize what my feelings are now. Monasticism has always been at the back of my mind as an ideal lifestyle. Then it became the only living alternative. Now I’m not able to step forward. How do I feel? There’s still nothing I want to do, no one I want to be with, no where I want to go. The 3-5 months are ostensibly to get clear about the monastic path and get back on it. It may also be a time to once more attempt the now euphemistic “plan A”. San Francisco still an option. Nagasaki is not not an option, but certain causes and conditions need to arise. And then Taiwan is only a last resort if Plan A fails again.