Three weeks until I leave. One of the senior Vietnamese monks mentioned having tea with me before I leave. That’s nice. I’ve kinda been feeling like they’ve given up on me and they’re just waiting for me to leave. Which is totally wrong. They're not thinking about it one way or another. Zen monastery, remember?

I don't think the monks here have really gotten me. I don’t think they’ve really tried. That’s fine, it’s not their place to pry. It should have been my responsibility to be more forthcoming, but that’s just not my personality. But really, they didn’t try at all and communication has been terrible. They never let me know what they were thinking and they didn’t ask any questions or give me any guidance.

I think they think that I don't know if I want to become a monk or not, that there is something else that I want to do aside from becoming a monk and I’m not sure because of that. They don't understand that I do want to become a monk, that I can make that decision, but what I don't know is why I can't make the definite commitment in language they can accept that I want to become a monk. It's a deep "not knowing" that I don't know the source of. They don't understand that is where I needed guidance.

It is partly their lack of guidance that has led me to decide to leave. If they listened deeply to me to understand what the issue is, and told me that they think I should just stay on the path and continue my aspirant training, I would have. It is too late now, though. There's already too much momentum propelling me to leave. This is the way I run my life. I've already put other things into motion, and a recommendation now that I go to the root monastery would become my third or fourth option.

That would still be better than nothing. At this point I don’t know if I will come back at all, and if I do, it might be out of desperation and even more abject failure. I’m a little disappointed in them for not accepting me as an aspirant the way I stated it, and I’m questioning their compassion and insight as it pertains to my case. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been an “aspirant” since college, and when I leave here, I will still be aspiring for something on this same path. They really had a chance to help me, but that’s not my karma. My karma is to have no help at all whatever I do. Which is how I like it anyway.