Draft:

Dear Thay, dear respected Sangha,

I am writing this letter because several brothers have indicated their concern to me regarding the ambiguity of my aspirancy. I have been working on my own to understand the nature of this perception, and have, finally, been able to arrive at the same conclusion for myself.

I do feel that I am on an aspirant path, in that I am walking on a path that looks to be heading towards ordination, but I recognize now that it appears to be a flaky aspirant path. I do not appear clear on the aspirant path to myself in that I do not have a proactive reason why I am on this path that I can present to myself and others. I theoretically feel the pull towards ordination for the purpose of living my life in a way that benefits all sentient beings. I directly understand the push from behind towards ordination to leave ordinary, mundane, material life and cut the attendant attachments in pursuit of a deeper understanding and experience of life and existence. But I do not have an answer for why me? and why now? Why is this so urgent that I can make a life decision about it? What is my true understanding of what I am doing? How am I going to find these answers?

However, I do not believe the source of my ambiguity in requesting aspirancy necessarily lies in the nature of the path or anything about it, or my relationship or attitude on it. Rather, it is a simple but tedious personality issue. Something in me needs to transform so that I can get clear, confident, and solid and express that clarity, confidence, and solidity.

Currently, I am considering not going directly to Plum Village after my brother’s wedding in July, but staying out in material life for 3-5 months before going to Plum Village, with the express purpose of holding it in my mind why I am not clear about my aspirancy, and getting to that point of clarity, whereby I can go to Plum Village and request without reservation or ambiguity to be considered an aspirant for the purpose of ordaining as a monk.

In making this decision, I am considering whether, for me, this transformation can get the proper stimulus at Deer Park or Plum Village to occur, and if not, why? What, if anything, am I unable to let go of now that might be obscuring the issue for me? Why do I feel that the transformation can occur through several months out in material life if it can’t happen here?

I welcome and request the community’s feedback and wisdom regarding these issues. I realize that the final decision is my own, but I would like to know where the community’s support and blessing would lie for either going directly to Plum Village or delaying going there for 3-5 months.

With deep gratitude and respect,
June 2, 2005, Deer Park Monastery

One of the brothers didn't get my brand of subtlety in this letter. Another liked this one better than the one I ended up submitting.