I feel like I’ve fallen out of the practice here. I’m feeling that I don’t want to become a monk. Here, at least. Let’s call it by its true name: they rejected my statement of aspirancy. They won’t say they rejected me. They say I haven’t even requested aspirancy, so they couldn’t reject me. I say I submitted a statement of aspirancy, although not a request, and they rejected it.

For a monastic system that prides itself on its looseness and non-adherence to convention and rules, I don’t know why it should matter so much whether I make a request or a statement. Either way they had a choice to accept or reject it.

What I’m concerned about now is losing the practice completely. Sitting has gotten really bad, very distracted and unfocused, even dozing. It got frustrating and I’m taking a two day break. Last night was a lazy evening and today is a lazy day, so to minimize the sessions missed, I just skipped yesterday morning’s session. Usually I sit on my own during lazy periods.

It has also become an effort to participate in community activities. Yesterday I walked out of a Dharma Talk because the Dharma Teacher, one of the senior monks here, is a terrible public speaker. There are no standards of public speaking to become a Dharma Teacher.

I started counting how many times he said “er…um”, what he was discussing made no logical connection between one point and another, he repeatedly said the dreaded words (a pet peeve of mine), “Our teacher says…”, and when he started recycling concepts formulated by TNH almost verbatim, I walked out.

I’m glad I did, too, as later reports said that he went on too long. He went on so long that the lunch crew sounded the lunch bell without waiting for him to finish, and he still went on for 10-15 minutes. I call it ‘killing the Dharma’.

But I’m trying re-tool my attitude towards the monks. They are just ordinary people, and they have their faults like the rest of us, and just because they are monks, it doesn’t mean that their practice is any better than anyone else’s. However, the difference is that they’ve taken the bodhisattva vows, and that makes all the difference in the world.

At least I’m intentionally impressing upon myself what a big deal it is to take the bodhisattva vows and cultivate a mind of enlightenment (bodhicitta) or mind of compassion, and to embark on the path. Cultivating this attitude in myself has even been inspiring to me to stay on the path, this one or otherwise.

I’m thinking of a hermit path, though, not a community path. My natural tendency is towards solitude, so if there is nothing to pull me onto a monastic community path, why should I go there?

There is still the suicide path. Nothing I have encountered has changed my philosophy on that or shown that it is inconsistent with my beliefs. As long as suicide is not based on anything temporary, such as immediate feelings or circumstances. In fact, death is constantly pointed to as a reason to not hold onto the meaningless fruits of ordinary human endeavor. Being philosophically suicidal constantly puts death and non-attachment to life at the forefront of my thoughts.

There is a warning for me to not be attached to death, but that’s another conundrum of how can you tell if you’re attached to death or life, or not attached to death or life. In practice, we strive to be non-attached to life, without becoming attached to death. But what is the standard? Is life the default just because we’re alive? Why can’t death be the default since we’re all going to die? Who can tell me to not be attached to death without me telling them not to be attached to suicide, the concept? I’d tell them to let it go, too.

I still feel that suicide is part of my path. It is a path that I’ve chosen. I’m even inclined to believe that it is in furtherance of my monastic aspirations over the course of many lifetimes, if you believe in that sort of thing. It’s possible that I’ve already ordained in previous lifetimes and this is a continuation of my exploration into life and existence, trying to really understand the entire circle.

Tibetan Buddhism stresses the preciousness of this human form and how difficult it is to obtain it in order to follow the path. I don’t think suicide for me violates that. Suicide is not nihilistic for me, and I’m trying to make it not negative. I’m trying to make my living not negative as well. It’s all a whole, it’s all the same thing.