I'm trying to get my head clear
I push things out through my mouth
But get refilled through my ears
-I. Brock "Heart Cooks Brain"

It is my mentor here who has had a bug up his butt about me being clear on my aspirancy. Unfortunately, he's right (it finally sunk in). I thought he was just being dodgy. I didn't think there was any issue about my aspirancy; I'm here now as an aspirant, ain't I? I'm here saying I'm on the path to becoming a monk, sounds like I'm "aspiring" to be a monk, eh?

So when he kept on saying on behalf of the community that they weren't sure what my status was, that's where the trap was. I could have said, "oh, is that all there is to it?", and written a letter stating, Dear Community, it is my highest aspiration to dedicate my life to the liberation and enlightenment of all sentient beings. I am therefore requesting that the monks of Deer Park/Plum Village consider me an Aspirant on the path towards becoming a monk, with all rights and privileges pertaining thereto attached.

Instead, drawing on my law school education, Evidence class to be precise, I said, If you see something that looks like a duck, walks like a duck, flies like a duck, and swims like a duck, what do you call it? The common sense answer is: a duck. But in law school, that is not the answer. My mentor could have been a lawyer.

It finally sunk in that my inability to plainly and simply request aspirancy, i.e., the community being unclear about my aspirancy, is really my own lack of clarity regarding aspirancy. Damn!

I thought I was clear. I considered myself an aspirant. If they wanted to consider me an aspirant, they were free to. If they didn't, they were free to do that, too. But now I can see that I'm not clear. And that's why I feel I need to go out again to get clear.

I don't know yet why I need to go away to get clear; why I can't do it here. I'll be sitting on that for the next few days