Becoming an aspirant at this monastery is the easiest thing in the world. People have become aspirants with one sentence letters. No joke. Literally. I heard one sister wrote something to the extent of, "I would like to ordain as a nun". Easy. And my statement of aspirancy got rejected!

I told a monk that I considered the monks' reaction a rejection, even though I understood that they didn't mean it that way. He seemed genuinely upset that I felt that way. We boiled it down to misunderstanding and miscommunication, but it was my turn to see things in black and white. I submitted a letter of aspirancy. The letter itself was supposed to act as my letter of aspirancy, regardless of what it said or didn't say, and my so-called mentor received it with the understanding that it was my letter of aspirancy.

But no, the act of submitting the letter was not prima facie evidence that I wanted to be an aspirant. I could have written the letter in fucking semaphore, and as long as it said, "I want to be a monk", it would pass muster. But the three page letter I submitted, including background information that I wrote exclusively for the benefit of the monks at the root temple since they don't know me, said everything except those scant, few words. Rejected.

From my point of view, I submitted my letter of aspirancy, it didn't matter what technical form it took. They had the choice to accept it or reject it. They said it wasn't clear. I wasn't unclear about it. I was clear about it, that's why I submitted the letter. They could have read it for its intent, that even without the words, everything about it looked like an aspirancy letter.

OK, he's an aspirant. We send him to the root monastery after his brother's wedding. We inform him what we expect of him as an aspirant. If they said that, I'd be an aspirant, expecting to go to the root monastery in August, and abiding by whatever guidelines they set for me, on the road towards ordination.

In my opinion, the de facto rejection was totally arbitrary. And it's consistent with the patterns in my life. My karma. The monk I talked to reminded me that we all have the power to change our karma, too, but that's theory. Practice is very different. Sometimes the rolling tide of karma is an undertow.

I leave here in less than two weeks a monastic reject because it is the path I've chosen. Other factors could have changed that path, but I probably engineered it to be this way. I couldn't predict that the monks would reject my aspirancy, but from the way I worded the letter, I set in motion the possibility.

In the meantime, I'm getting myself back on track and enjoying my last two weeks here and tightening up my practice and attitude, and continuing to nourish as many positive seeds as possible, pebbles as they may be. Never mind thoughts of nothing special, nothing elaborate, a short train ride down to the Jersey Shore, no excuses, no note.

The blog is not the person. So much more goes on in inner and outer space that doesn’t end up here.

I feel like I’ve fallen out of the practice here. I’m feeling that I don’t want to become a monk. Here, at least. Let’s call it by its true name: they rejected my statement of aspirancy. They won’t say they rejected me. They say I haven’t even requested aspirancy, so they couldn’t reject me. I say I submitted a statement of aspirancy, although not a request, and they rejected it.

For a monastic system that prides itself on its looseness and non-adherence to convention and rules, I don’t know why it should matter so much whether I make a request or a statement. Either way they had a choice to accept or reject it.

What I’m concerned about now is losing the practice completely. Sitting has gotten really bad, very distracted and unfocused, even dozing. It got frustrating and I’m taking a two day break. Last night was a lazy evening and today is a lazy day, so to minimize the sessions missed, I just skipped yesterday morning’s session. Usually I sit on my own during lazy periods.

It has also become an effort to participate in community activities. Yesterday I walked out of a Dharma Talk because the Dharma Teacher, one of the senior monks here, is a terrible public speaker. There are no standards of public speaking to become a Dharma Teacher.

I started counting how many times he said “er…um”, what he was discussing made no logical connection between one point and another, he repeatedly said the dreaded words (a pet peeve of mine), “Our teacher says…”, and when he started recycling concepts formulated by TNH almost verbatim, I walked out.

I’m glad I did, too, as later reports said that he went on too long. He went on so long that the lunch crew sounded the lunch bell without waiting for him to finish, and he still went on for 10-15 minutes. I call it ‘killing the Dharma’.

But I’m trying re-tool my attitude towards the monks. They are just ordinary people, and they have their faults like the rest of us, and just because they are monks, it doesn’t mean that their practice is any better than anyone else’s. However, the difference is that they’ve taken the bodhisattva vows, and that makes all the difference in the world.

At least I’m intentionally impressing upon myself what a big deal it is to take the bodhisattva vows and cultivate a mind of enlightenment (bodhicitta) or mind of compassion, and to embark on the path. Cultivating this attitude in myself has even been inspiring to me to stay on the path, this one or otherwise.

I’m thinking of a hermit path, though, not a community path. My natural tendency is towards solitude, so if there is nothing to pull me onto a monastic community path, why should I go there?

There is still the suicide path. Nothing I have encountered has changed my philosophy on that or shown that it is inconsistent with my beliefs. As long as suicide is not based on anything temporary, such as immediate feelings or circumstances. In fact, death is constantly pointed to as a reason to not hold onto the meaningless fruits of ordinary human endeavor. Being philosophically suicidal constantly puts death and non-attachment to life at the forefront of my thoughts.

There is a warning for me to not be attached to death, but that’s another conundrum of how can you tell if you’re attached to death or life, or not attached to death or life. In practice, we strive to be non-attached to life, without becoming attached to death. But what is the standard? Is life the default just because we’re alive? Why can’t death be the default since we’re all going to die? Who can tell me to not be attached to death without me telling them not to be attached to suicide, the concept? I’d tell them to let it go, too.

I still feel that suicide is part of my path. It is a path that I’ve chosen. I’m even inclined to believe that it is in furtherance of my monastic aspirations over the course of many lifetimes, if you believe in that sort of thing. It’s possible that I’ve already ordained in previous lifetimes and this is a continuation of my exploration into life and existence, trying to really understand the entire circle.

Tibetan Buddhism stresses the preciousness of this human form and how difficult it is to obtain it in order to follow the path. I don’t think suicide for me violates that. Suicide is not nihilistic for me, and I’m trying to make it not negative. I’m trying to make my living not negative as well. It’s all a whole, it’s all the same thing.

Three weeks until I leave. One of the senior Vietnamese monks mentioned having tea with me before I leave. That’s nice. I’ve kinda been feeling like they’ve given up on me and they’re just waiting for me to leave. Which is totally wrong. They're not thinking about it one way or another. Zen monastery, remember?

I don't think the monks here have really gotten me. I don’t think they’ve really tried. That’s fine, it’s not their place to pry. It should have been my responsibility to be more forthcoming, but that’s just not my personality. But really, they didn’t try at all and communication has been terrible. They never let me know what they were thinking and they didn’t ask any questions or give me any guidance.

I think they think that I don't know if I want to become a monk or not, that there is something else that I want to do aside from becoming a monk and I’m not sure because of that. They don't understand that I do want to become a monk, that I can make that decision, but what I don't know is why I can't make the definite commitment in language they can accept that I want to become a monk. It's a deep "not knowing" that I don't know the source of. They don't understand that is where I needed guidance.

It is partly their lack of guidance that has led me to decide to leave. If they listened deeply to me to understand what the issue is, and told me that they think I should just stay on the path and continue my aspirant training, I would have. It is too late now, though. There's already too much momentum propelling me to leave. This is the way I run my life. I've already put other things into motion, and a recommendation now that I go to the root monastery would become my third or fourth option.

That would still be better than nothing. At this point I don’t know if I will come back at all, and if I do, it might be out of desperation and even more abject failure. I’m a little disappointed in them for not accepting me as an aspirant the way I stated it, and I’m questioning their compassion and insight as it pertains to my case. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been an “aspirant” since college, and when I leave here, I will still be aspiring for something on this same path. They really had a chance to help me, but that’s not my karma. My karma is to have no help at all whatever I do. Which is how I like it anyway.

I wonder if it's suicide that I'm thinking I need to get out of my system before I can commit to the monastic path. In my mind, ordination necessarily means absolutely no more thoughts in that direction. If that's the case, good luck. It makes sense, though.

Maybe one more real attempt, fail, and then go to the root monastery satisfied that I did all I could. But I've been down this road before, and I know it doesn't work like that, so maybe I should change it to: one more real attempt, fail, and then go to the root monastery miserable, still not wanting to continue in this particular life. Bleah.

Thoughts of suicide make me happy, though. They make me feel solid. They lift my spirits up and make me dance the cha-cha. And I can be unself-conscious writing about it because we all know my suicides are fake.

So I go back to New Jersey in July. August comes and TNH's North American speaking tour begins in Massachussetts. I hop on a bus to New England, but instead of meeting up with the community (having no plans to meet up with them in the first place), I go directly to Cape Cod and implement the old San Francisco plan. No thought, just immediate execution as soon as I get there and night falls.

Sounds good, it's now officially an option.

I’ve booked my flight back to New Jersey. I leave here on July 12, about three weeks from now. What has made the past 12 months worth living? Entering a monastery would not deal with the fundamental issues that resolve that nothing, nada, in the past 12 months makes life worth living. By extension, the last 12 years, by extension, the past 36 years. There is some basic, wonderful truth somewhere in that.

Why look for worth? Why look for meaning? What is meaning? Why can’t I just go to the root monastery and get back on the path to ordination? Why can’t I just let go? As I type this on my laptop, listening to 209 David Bowie songs shuffled on my iPod. Go to the root monastery and let go of everything, everything that pretends that I have an individual self, an identity, desires, wants, cravings.

I’m leaving here in about three weeks. I don’t know what I will be doing after my brother’s wedding a week and a half after that. I just know I told the community that I won’t be going directly to the root monastery because something is preventing me from whole-heartedly requesting aspirancy to become a monastic. Something is still blocking me. Becoming a monastic would not somehow miraculously make life worth living, make me want to live.

Maybe I’ll go to San Francisco, I’m still waiting to hear back from a Tibetan place where I heard I can rent a small room. San Francisco = suicide.

Maybe I’ll go to Nagasaki. But I realize out of all the things I want to do, which includes learning Japanese, nothing is more boring than language study. Nagasaki = what the hell?

Maybe it will kick in that I should just request aspirancy and go to the root monastery. Aspirancy = giving up.

Momentum. Not going directly to the root monastery in August? It doesn’t seem real, but it’s happening. People are already talking like I know what I’m doing. Have the monastics seen this before, and are not expecting me back? Probably they really don’t care because people come and go all the time, and as non-committal as I’ve been, they haven’t put much energy into me. If I told them I was leaving and not coming back, it would be no loss to them.

I already feel like I’ve fallen off. My mind is already half out of here. This is supposed to be just a step to get me clear on the monastic path and back on it. Why do I feel like I’ve given up? Good riddance, no one is encouraging me to stay on the path, but the path is something I need to be on by my own will. I have my own will, but it’s not the kind that would keep me on the path.

All I had to do was request aspirancy. So simple, but something stopped me. I’ve been trying to get in touch with the feeling that stopped me; I’ve been trying to get in touch with the cause of the feeling, the root. I’ve gotten close, but it eludes me. Maybe something is chasing me, my demons. Or maybe I’m chasing after something, something to resolve, and not having resolved it, I would fail as a monk. I would always have this issue disturbing my practice. But something is pulling me. It stopped me from requesting aspirancy.

I’m trying to realize what my feelings are now. Monasticism has always been at the back of my mind as an ideal lifestyle. Then it became the only living alternative. Now I’m not able to step forward. How do I feel? There’s still nothing I want to do, no one I want to be with, no where I want to go. The 3-5 months are ostensibly to get clear about the monastic path and get back on it. It may also be a time to once more attempt the now euphemistic “plan A”. San Francisco still an option. Nagasaki is not not an option, but certain causes and conditions need to arise. And then Taiwan is only a last resort if Plan A fails again.

I'm not positive I'll take the time off from the monastery after my brother's wedding, but once an idea like that takes off and gains momentum, it's hard to stop it. Now I'm pretty convinced that I will take the time off, even if the community opines that it's a really bad idea. It is my decision to make, they'd be the first ones to remind me that.

I'm even excited about it, although I have to remind myself this isn't a debaucherous bender. The design will be solitary, but with much engagement into the drudgery of material life. It feels like several months of being free from the constrictions of monastic living, but it's also several months of leaving the carefree freedom of monastic living. Give and take.

Draft:

Dear Thay, dear respected Sangha,

I am writing this letter because several brothers have indicated their concern to me regarding the ambiguity of my aspirancy. I have been working on my own to understand the nature of this perception, and have, finally, been able to arrive at the same conclusion for myself.

I do feel that I am on an aspirant path, in that I am walking on a path that looks to be heading towards ordination, but I recognize now that it appears to be a flaky aspirant path. I do not appear clear on the aspirant path to myself in that I do not have a proactive reason why I am on this path that I can present to myself and others. I theoretically feel the pull towards ordination for the purpose of living my life in a way that benefits all sentient beings. I directly understand the push from behind towards ordination to leave ordinary, mundane, material life and cut the attendant attachments in pursuit of a deeper understanding and experience of life and existence. But I do not have an answer for why me? and why now? Why is this so urgent that I can make a life decision about it? What is my true understanding of what I am doing? How am I going to find these answers?

However, I do not believe the source of my ambiguity in requesting aspirancy necessarily lies in the nature of the path or anything about it, or my relationship or attitude on it. Rather, it is a simple but tedious personality issue. Something in me needs to transform so that I can get clear, confident, and solid and express that clarity, confidence, and solidity.

Currently, I am considering not going directly to Plum Village after my brother’s wedding in July, but staying out in material life for 3-5 months before going to Plum Village, with the express purpose of holding it in my mind why I am not clear about my aspirancy, and getting to that point of clarity, whereby I can go to Plum Village and request without reservation or ambiguity to be considered an aspirant for the purpose of ordaining as a monk.

In making this decision, I am considering whether, for me, this transformation can get the proper stimulus at Deer Park or Plum Village to occur, and if not, why? What, if anything, am I unable to let go of now that might be obscuring the issue for me? Why do I feel that the transformation can occur through several months out in material life if it can’t happen here?

I welcome and request the community’s feedback and wisdom regarding these issues. I realize that the final decision is my own, but I would like to know where the community’s support and blessing would lie for either going directly to Plum Village or delaying going there for 3-5 months.

With deep gratitude and respect,
June 2, 2005, Deer Park Monastery

One of the brothers didn't get my brand of subtlety in this letter. Another liked this one better than the one I ended up submitting.

It's a cool and spitty day in the San Diego area. I thought San Diego was like the Bay Area with rain all but non-existent after the rainy season ended. Guess not. Miserable and spitty day. Most of the community decided to go to the beach of all places. I'm glad I declined.

Instead, I stayed and wrote a letter to the community about my being unclear about my aspirancy. I presented my thoughts about not going directly to the root monastery after my brother's wedding, and staying out for 3-5 months to try to get clear; not going to the root monastery until I got clear, not go to the root monastery as a flaky aspirant.

I'll show the letter to a few brothers to get feedback before presenting it to the community, since this idea popped up on Tuesday, and I'm still not sure what I think about it. I'm not going to present it through my so-called mentor, because I realize that with my flaky aspirancy, he probably doesn't consider me his mentee. That's reasonable. Frees me up.

As for the 3-5 months of getting clear on my aspirancy, I'm thinking what else I could do if Nagasaki ends up not being feasible. Hanging out in the New Jersey area is out of the question, no. Travel? Go to Tibet like my cousin suggested?

Then I thought why not go back to San Francisco and try out that quasi-hermit idea I had way back when? Doing that would have the best leads for a place to live and best opportunities if I decided to work part-time. Not as exotic as Nagasaki, but definitely less distracting. Oh, and I'd be back in San Francisco. Guess what tired subject becomes part of the equation again. It was just about exactly a year ago, wasn't it?

Getting clear about aspirancy, eh? Like looking into a fogged mirror and wiping it clear with a cloth. Maybe it's not monastic aspirancy I'm trying to get clear. To be a monk, serving all beings through the monastic lifestyle needs to be our highest aspiration. Whenever I asked myself what my highest aspiration was, monasticism was always second highest. My highest aspiration, my true passion on this path is elsewhere. So if I end up in San Francisco, I'll be trying to get clear about that aspirancy as well.

I'm trying to get my head clear
I push things out through my mouth
But get refilled through my ears
-I. Brock "Heart Cooks Brain"

It is my mentor here who has had a bug up his butt about me being clear on my aspirancy. Unfortunately, he's right (it finally sunk in). I thought he was just being dodgy. I didn't think there was any issue about my aspirancy; I'm here now as an aspirant, ain't I? I'm here saying I'm on the path to becoming a monk, sounds like I'm "aspiring" to be a monk, eh?

So when he kept on saying on behalf of the community that they weren't sure what my status was, that's where the trap was. I could have said, "oh, is that all there is to it?", and written a letter stating, Dear Community, it is my highest aspiration to dedicate my life to the liberation and enlightenment of all sentient beings. I am therefore requesting that the monks of Deer Park/Plum Village consider me an Aspirant on the path towards becoming a monk, with all rights and privileges pertaining thereto attached.

Instead, drawing on my law school education, Evidence class to be precise, I said, If you see something that looks like a duck, walks like a duck, flies like a duck, and swims like a duck, what do you call it? The common sense answer is: a duck. But in law school, that is not the answer. My mentor could have been a lawyer.

It finally sunk in that my inability to plainly and simply request aspirancy, i.e., the community being unclear about my aspirancy, is really my own lack of clarity regarding aspirancy. Damn!

I thought I was clear. I considered myself an aspirant. If they wanted to consider me an aspirant, they were free to. If they didn't, they were free to do that, too. But now I can see that I'm not clear. And that's why I feel I need to go out again to get clear.

I don't know yet why I need to go away to get clear; why I can't do it here. I'll be sitting on that for the next few days

I woke up with a loud chatter in my head. Tendrils and wisps descending from the sky to obscure my way as I walked to morning sitting at 5:30. Walking meditation. A slow, mindful walk in the crisp, quiet mountain air, the loud twitter of birds competing with the loud chatter in my head. Morning sitting was competent, but chattery and jittery. What am I doing here?

Mind assaulted by doubts. What did I hope to accomplish by coming to the monastery when I knew I couldn’t get away from myself. The demons that came up on the outside were sure to come up again here. And how.

I'm thinking about heading back out into the world for several months before really thinking about ordination. I don't want to continue this flaky aspirancy which will no doubt culminate in flaky ordination because I didn't get myself clear. I do have to be clear, though, on what I think leaving will accomplish in getting myself clear.

I'm thinking of going to Japan for three months after my brother's wedding, instead of going straight to the root monastery in France. I'm thinking of Nagasaki since I really did find that city to my taste much more than other Japanese cities. I have no logistics yet, so I have no idea if I'm serious about this.

The idea is that when I go to the root monastery, I'm very clear about my aspiration to be a monk, enough so that I can at least get the words out of my mouth, "I would like to request consideration to become an aspirant," which I haven't been able to do here. I've just assumed I'm an aspirant and expected everyone else to assume the same.