Living in the material world is hard and full of suffering. That's not negative. I take it as objective fact. The world is also filled with good things, and daily life can be wonderful and fulfilling, at the same time as being hard and full of suffering.

I wonder why I left the monastery without committing and ordaining. I yearn for the environment the monastery offered. In the material world, I'm supposed to be figuring out what I really want to do, either go back and ordain, or stay out here and deal.

I really have no idea.

But at times I yearn for the environment of the monastery; to be immersed in the dharma, the investigation of life and how we should act as human beings without dogma or righteousness or judgment, but with compassion and wisdom, being able to get into the shoes of the people we are trying to help.

I idealize the environment of practicing and spreading dharma. But I also realize that in the material world, where there isn't an assumption of specifically Buddhist dharma, that my dharma must be maintained in my actions, in what I can offer my environment.

It's not walking around carrying a banner of Dharma. It's living true to myself recognizing what I've learned as dharma. The dharma practice is in how I walk, in practicing kind words, in cultivating compassion to all sentient beings around me (not doing a good job, but OK, keep trying).