In the end the feelings are my own. This is what I didn't learn with Josephine. I felt my feelings were too inextricably tied with hers, and it got to the point that I kept trying to pry something out of her to save the relationship, and she was basically telling me to leave her alone. Even though in the end it was she who was shocked that it was really over.

Before, I pursued my obsession, my needs, my desire, my suffering. This time, I feel it's just about being happy with myself, and being able to generate a happiness without someone else responding how I want them to.

In this recent case study, I might not be happy now not "being with" her (not that I could've been, this is all hypothetical at this point), but to pursue being with her is not the pursuit of happiness anymore. If it's a struggle, it's something else. It's pursuing suffering, thinking I'm pursuing happiness.

So yes, now I have to start over, now I have to be alone again, now I have to disconnect from the entire group, but I can be happy, since I've learned that I can be happy by myself, and can generate happiness just by myself. It feels good to not be flailed around by my feelings.

That happiness generation meditation I mentioned last month works. It takes too much energy for me to apply it all the time, but the times I've tried it, it achieved making me feel lighter, and brighter and kinder to the people around me, and simply better about myself. So for me it turns out not to be a load of hooey.

I still have a problem with existence, though. And the worst feeling in the world for me, every day, is waking up in the morning and realizing I'm still me here.