Fuck me, Taiwan.

I got the keys to my new apartment today. I'm excited about moving and living in a different part of Taipei, even if it's actually Hsindian City. There was a dead rat in the room.

The smell was apparent as soon as I walked in the outer hallway, but it was unclear what it was or where it was coming from. It was that foul, dank, stale smell. When we walked into the room, I spotted the dead rat pretty quickly. My landlady was apologetic and disposed of it herself, and in the end she called someone to come tomorrow to clean up the area to make sure it's disinfected before I move in.

I feel sorry for the other residents who had to deal with the smell for however long.

I have to move because of allergies in my first apartment. There was a dead rat in my second apartment. This is my life, folks. I'm trying to keep it in perspective, reminding myself my life is pretty good. I played it off cool to the landlady. It wasn't her fault, it wasn't in her control, these things happen. I'm not queasy about death, or dead animals, or cockroaches, I'm actually pretty tolerant and can roll with a lot of punches.

But more and more I think I need to realize that is not the point! There was a dead rat in the room I'm moving into. This means something, yo.

10:44 a.m. - The entrance to the riverside bikeway is right there after crossing the bridge across the Jingmei River into Taipei.

10:53 a.m. - Navigating the optimal way to ride to school. Getting off the bikeway at Treasure Hill may be the best way to get to the Taida campus. Not even two miles.

Hyun Ae is going back to Korea. The anti-climactic end of a non-saga. I've been trying to convince her to stay for the past few days to make sure she's making the right decision, but it's pretty much definite now, now that her family has gotten directly involved. I ate two dinners tonight just to hang out with her, but she need not be mentioned anymore.

I get my keys to my new apartment tomorrow. I'll start living there right away because of the allergies, but I'll move my stuff over there in a piecemeal fashion. I can take my time moving in because I'll have my current apartment for half of February, unless the landlady finds someone else interested in the apartment.

My teacher has gotten better and classes have been pleasant. My classmate goes back to Japan after this semester. We haven't gotten particularly close, but in a class of two students, you still form a bit of a bond, especially since her English is fluent.

Depending on when Hyun Ae's family arrives, I might go to Kaohsiung for the full two weeks of break between semesters. That means something, yo.

Daan Forest Park photostroll

I'll miss having Da'an Park right across the street after I move. Nikon N70, Ilford XP2 Super:

Performance at the pavilion.

Or Christian revival? I see some "praise the Lord"s in the crowd.

3:01 p.m. - That was supposed to be a joke, but it is a Christian thing. My Chinese may not have been good enough to read the banner when I took this, but it is most definitely Christian. I should have been getting the Christian vibes. Christian vibraphones, that is. Oh, come on! That was a joke, would it kill you to laugh?!

4:07 p.m. - Jianguo Weekend Market.

"Is Buddhism monotheistic?"

In my opinion, no simple answer to this question. There would be a wide range of answers depending upon the person asked and their level of study, aptitude, and understanding, but also the answer goes to what assumptions are made about the question.

Some would say Buddhism is non-theistic, some would say it's polytheistic, and some would say that when it comes right down to it, it is monotheistic, but not monotheistic in the manner of Western traditions.

My personal answer accepts the polytheistic interpretation as metaphor, and to the extent that the divine is everywhere, here and now, yes, poly. It is also non-theistic in that as everything is sacred, nothing is sacred, there's no god or God to worship, everything is worthy of worship and contemplation. The teaching of emptiness.

And I accept Buddhism as monotheistic, the teaching of oneness. There is one God, meaning there is one indestructible reality that is the basis of all being. God, by definition, cannot be any less than the universe, so to envision God as a being or existing in the universe, meaning being smaller than a given space, means that it is not One, not universal.

Of the Buddhist Three Jewels, God is not the Buddha, God is the Dharma. The Dharma encompasses everything. The Buddha is a catalyst, a representative. The Buddha is "smaller" than the universe, smaller than the Dharma. God is the very fabric of the universe, the very essence of anything possibly in existence, and I dare say a whole lot more. Any less, then God is "smaller than the universe". God is the universe. Or specifically, God is the speed of light, but that's a different formulation.

I can't speak of the God in Western traditions, because from what I hear, that God makes no sense, is ridden with human projection, and is, quite frankly, smaller than the universe. But when I read Jewish, Christian, or Muslim works that mention God, I think of this Buddhist idea of God, one as being much bigger and much more incomprehensible than we can ever know cognitively.

Certainly, God is not partisan. When Muslims kill in the name of God, my heart shudders. When Christians refer to the September 11 attacks and say "God bless America", I wish God never blesses anyone like that again.

I saw the movie Shortbus this past week. It opened in New York before I came to Taiwan, but I never got around to getting into New York to see it. Besides, with the press focusing so much on the explicit sex, it made me feel like I was going to see the movie just for the sex. In fact, all that everyone talks about the film is the sex.

For me the film wasn't about sex. Quite honestly, I didn't care about the sex one way or another. Was it necessary? Who cares? Do we now question everything about a filmmaker's choices and ask if it was necessary? It was there, it was part of the movie, deal with it.

I think people's viewing of the film will be affected by what they bring into it. For me, I focused on the emotional dysfunction, and to me, the film was about emptiness, fulfillment, and connection, and the role of physical intimacy, er, sex, in relation to those things.

But the big wow for me was the realization that I couldn't be in a contentious relationship ever again, and all I've been in before have been contentious relationships, for one reason or another. I think I've gotten to the point where, I wouldn't be the one to cause contention, but there were scenes in the movie when one partner would go off and dig into the other, and I wondered how I could handle that.

My attitude for keeping peace is to keep myself in check, and not let other people draw me into a contentious situation. But if someone is yelling at me or accusing me or getting really negative, that behavior looks like I'm cutting off and shutting down.

And coincidentally, my old friend Sadie tried calling my cell phone in New Jersey after almost two years. We cut contact then because I think that's exactly what happened. I was still at the monastery then, and we were on the phone and she started telling me why I was not a good friend.

I thought for a fact that some of the things she said were inaccurate, but to engage in that discourse would be entering into the contention. I don't care about being right anymore, and if someone is saying it, I don't want to respond by calling what they're saying invalid. So I just didn't say anything. I didn't think that would be our last contact, but afterwards I just didn't know how to respond, and she never called back.

That was pretty mild, too. Emotions never took control of that conversation. She just laid into me. If I look like I'm cutting off in a situation like that, I imagine that in a relationship when things are more intense and more "real", my methodology is wholly inadequate.

I just remember walking out of the theater and thinking, "There is no way I'll ever be in a relationship again." That was some raunchy sex, though.

January 24, 4:01 p.m.

Exploring what will be my new neighborhood. Nikon N70, Ilford XP2 Super, all but the last shot at ISO 800.

Crossing the bridge over the Jingmei River into Xindian township to the south of Taipei. My building is between and behind those two buildings on the left. Every day I'll cross this bridge and be back in Taipei in less than a minute.

Walking along the flood walls of the Jingmei River. Someone's yard piled high with detritus. 

Jingmei River. Not a bikeway (which is on the other side), but a nice walking path.

4:05 p.m. - Actually Jingmei Stream (溪), rather than river (河). Either way, Taipei 101 is still the tallest building in the world.

I'm staying in Taiwan. I already found an apartment to move to.

Already my allergies have significantly abated. They were psychological. My sub-conscious is passive-aggressive.

I'm moving to Hsindian, the city just south of Taipei, but I'll be right across the city line, across the Jingmei River (景美溪). When I ride to school, I'll be taking the riverside bikeway for most of the journey, and when I get on my bike, I will be in Taipei in less than a minute.

The neighborhood is no improvement. The building is above a bunch of motorscooter repair shops, so it's pretty industrial. I'm hoping having the riverside bikeways right there will make up for the loss of being right across the street from Daan Park.

There's a rooftop area which I'm hoping will be nice. I can check the weather up there in the morning. And if I'm not practicing shakuhachi along the riverside, maybe I can up there.

I'm just trying to keep calm day-to-day. I'm starting to admit that I'm not as laid-back as I think I am, and that I do create a lot of stress for myself.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 7, 3:49 p.m. - North side of the Taida Sports Center building shooting east with the Jianguo Elevated Expressway at the left before it turns left over Jianguo S. Rd.

MONDAY, JANUARY 15,  12:46 p.m. - Taida main library.

4:31 p.m. - Kick him in the balls and take the shot!!

5:40 p.m. - Guting/Gongguan (still don't know which it's called) riverside park with construction coming on nicely.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 16, 10:57 a.m. - My ride in Da'an Park.

10:59 a.m.

4:17 p.m. - Close your mouth, kitteh, we are not codfish.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 17,  3:47 p.m. - Player rehearsal studio on Heping E. Rd.

JANUARY 18, 5:22 p.m. - default shot.

I'm questioning any decision to go back to the U.S.

I think my excuses are suspect. I'm focusing on my current teacher as the leading suspect of why I want to go back, and as sweet as she is, and as pleasant a person she might seem to be, I've decided she's a horrible teacher; hate her as a teacher.

I had lined up my reasons for going back as a combination of three: 1) no improvement in Chinese; 2) no good teachers; and 3) allergies.

First of all, since when do I care whether my Chinese is improving or not? Didn't I declare some time ago that learning this language is not really why I'm here, and is not my priority? I mean, aside from it being the most important thing in the world from a spiritual aspect, really can't let myself care.

And if the allergies can be cured by moving . . .

All I have to do is get to the end of this term, scrape by at the edge of my tolerance and patience. I heard that many of the regular Taida teachers took this term off and there weren't enough teachers, and that's why my teacher got called in. She's not really a teacher, she's a grad student who said she'd be willing to teach if they needed her.

Nikon N70, Ilford XP2 Super, all shot at ISO 800:

Beitou Park

Beitou is famous for its hot springs. The waters of the stream that runs through Beitou Park are still warm from the hot springs.

Location unknown. Everyone stares at car crashes.

I'm rebelling against these allergies. I decided today to not take any precautions against them; turned off the air filter, left off the mask, didn't take any allergy pills. I'm still suspecting these allergies are psychological.

I was trying to hammer it into my subconscious yesterday that even if my allergies clear up, I will move. I'm thinking my subconscious either wants me to go back to the U.S. or move. Me and my subconscious need a better way of communicating.

I slept nine hours without a mask, after going out last night to a music club for the first time since coming to Taipei almost a year ago. It was a benefit show for a local musician who lost everything in a fire. He's a Stevie Ray Vaughan fanatic and even goes by the moniker, "Stevie Ray".

Stevie Ray Vaughan, of course, is one of my guitar heroes, and I don't even consider myself a guitarist. Anyone besmirching Stevie Ray Vaughan's legend by co-opting his name and/or image would usually get a besmirk from me. But I felt it's been too long since I did something for someone else.

Anyway, I woke up about noon and my allergies were clear. That is, until I decided to sweep. I'm wondering if constantly sweeping is keeping the allergens airborne.

I had one of those days today when everyone seems to get in my way, it's like I'm not there. Some people even seemingly inching into my path as I got closer.

I thought about molecules. These are molecules interacting. Who knows the history of my molecules and their molecules? Who knows how they're reacting on a quantum level that leads to my bizarre subjective appraisal of what's happening? People intentionally getting in my way?

Is that really a stupid thought? My molecules, your molecules. Do they interact in ways we have no idea? I dunno, that may be too way out there even for me.

2006 mix: (not from 2006 necessarily, but that I came across/downloaded in 2006)

1) Drive Dead Slow* (Sahara Hotnights)
2) Love Parade (Misia)
3) Cheated Hearts (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)
4) Jet Airliner (Paul Pena)
5) Kabukicho no Jou 歌舞伎町の女王 (Shiina Ringo)
6) Return of the Tres (Delinquent Habits)
7) Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl* (Broken Social Scene)
8) Happy Waiting (Wu Bai & China Blue)
9) Pavlov's Bell* (Aimee Mann)
10) Under the Weather* (KT Tunstall)
11) Jurass Finish First (Jurassic 5)
12) All Your Way (Morphine)
13) Ao no Requiem (Chitose Hajime)
14) Parkdale (Metric)
15) Sounan 遭難 (Tokyo Jihen)
16) Dirty Old Man (Southern All Stars)
17) Lloyd, I'm Ready to Be Heart-Broken (Camera Obscura)
18) What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?* (The Funk Brothers w/Joan Osborne)
19) Rubber Biscuit* (The Blues Brothers)

*possible dead links (not official uploads)

I met up with Hyun Ae today for the first time since November.

I was afraid of the pull, of falling for her. And I did. I fell in love with her all over again, over and over again, drawn into her face, drawn into her eyes, drawn into the corners of her mouth. As she talked, I would put my cheek against hers, feel the warmth, slide my lips towards hers. Kisses are superficial *munch, munch*, that's all. Kisses aren't love. Then I'd realize she was talking and I ought to be listening to her.

I'm not sure what the difference was today, but today I was not being stupid. There is nothing wrong with loving Hyun Ae, there is nothing wrong with being in love with Hyun Ae. The only thing that would be wrong would be to think that loving Hyun Ae had anything to do with Hyun Ae.

In the end, I just walked away. See you, bye. I don't need her to love her. I don't need her to love her? What does that mean? She's just an idea. I might leave next month and what real impact would she have had on my life? Her impact on my life has nothing to do with her. She is irrelevant to my life. That she had an impact on my life has all to do with me, and that's what I would carry back with me. First to New Jersey, and then to Tucson.

"Buddhism and jury duty"

If you're called for jury duty, go.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3, 8:18 a.m. - Wet, rainy Da'an Park on a wet, rainy day in wet, rainy Taipei.

8:21 a.m.

11:26 a.m. - Drunken Moon Lake, Taida campus with the sports center dome visible.

At the forefront of my thoughts these days is packing up and heading back to New Jersey. Here we go again.

But it's not real.

But I'm not learning the language and the frustration of being here is huge. Is that not real?

The final nail in the coffin is probably these allergies that have not subsided with the air purifier. At its worst, it'll knock me out for the entire day, even if I get out of the apartment. I think the word is "debilitating".

In the apartment, I sweep every day, wear a mask, even while sleeping, run the purifier all the time, sometimes turning on the air conditioner and opening the windows for even more circulation, as if it isn't cold enough in Taipei. Well, to keep it in perspective, albeit uncomfortable and chilly, it's possible to open windows and turn on the air conditioner and be able to stand it.

I've resorted to eating more fruit and allowing myself to eat more red meat to see if that alteration to my diet can change something. That's a new low for me. The inspiration for the fruit is my mother always nagging me to eat more fruit. The red meat is from my chiropractor who once told me I needed specifically more red meat in my diet. Nothing to do with allergies, though.

This is absolutely my last month in this apartment. I absolutely can't live here any longer because of the allergies. If I move, I'm basically committing to stay here even longer, and I'm asking myself if it's time to cut my losses, if it's time to move on.

The momentum is growing to decide by the end of this month to quit classes, start packing up, and get out of Dodge before my visa expires on the 18th of next month.

I keep counting my blessings whenever shit gets miserable. I'm getting sick of even that. "Winners never quit. Quitters never win. But people who never win and never quit are idiots!" - Demotivators.

Guanyin Mt. in Bali township across the mouth of the Danshui River, shrouded in low-hanging clouds. Or just "Smoke on the Water".

MONDAY, JANUARY 1 - New Year's Day in Danshui. All Nikon N70, Ilford XP2 Super. 

Giant cement jacks, possibly a Japanese innovation but don't quote me on that, to protect shorelines or prevent erosion.

This area is called Fisherman's Wharf at the very tip of the right bank of Danshui River which drains into the Taiwan Strait.

Low tide?

1:27 p.m. - Aftermath. Peaceful afternoon photostroll at the beach on New Year's Day is not to forget it's New Year's Day.

1:44 p.m.