I saw the movie Shortbus this past week. It opened in New York before I came to Taiwan, but I never got around to getting into New York to see it. Besides, with the press focusing so much on the explicit sex, it made me feel like I was going to see the movie just for the sex. In fact, all that everyone talks about the film is the sex.

For me the film wasn't about sex. Quite honestly, I didn't care about the sex one way or another. Was it necessary? Who cares? Do we now question everything about a filmmaker's choices and ask if it was necessary? It was there, it was part of the movie, deal with it.

I think people's viewing of the film will be affected by what they bring into it. For me, I focused on the emotional dysfunction, and to me, the film was about emptiness, fulfillment, and connection, and the role of physical intimacy, er, sex, in relation to those things.

But the big wow for me was the realization that I couldn't be in a contentious relationship ever again, and all I've been in before have been contentious relationships, for one reason or another. I think I've gotten to the point where, I wouldn't be the one to cause contention, but there were scenes in the movie when one partner would go off and dig into the other, and I wondered how I could handle that.

My attitude for keeping peace is to keep myself in check, and not let other people draw me into a contentious situation. But if someone is yelling at me or accusing me or getting really negative, that behavior looks like I'm cutting off and shutting down.

And coincidentally, my old friend Sadie tried calling my cell phone in New Jersey after almost two years. We cut contact then because I think that's exactly what happened. I was still at the monastery then, and we were on the phone and she started telling me why I was not a good friend.

I thought for a fact that some of the things she said were inaccurate, but to engage in that discourse would be entering into the contention. I don't care about being right anymore, and if someone is saying it, I don't want to respond by calling what they're saying invalid. So I just didn't say anything. I didn't think that would be our last contact, but afterwards I just didn't know how to respond, and she never called back.

That was pretty mild, too. Emotions never took control of that conversation. She just laid into me. If I look like I'm cutting off in a situation like that, I imagine that in a relationship when things are more intense and more "real", my methodology is wholly inadequate.

I just remember walking out of the theater and thinking, "There is no way I'll ever be in a relationship again." That was some raunchy sex, though.

January 24, 4:01 p.m.