I dunno, something's changed since that last nasty rain. Mind you, the rain has continued, but I don't care. Something in me snapped. Something minor in me snapped, that was attached to something major.

A mold situation developed in my apartment. There was that leak. There was that dead rat. There was that other choice of an apartment that I didn't take, reaffirming the fallacy that I always make the wrong decision. It's a fallacy, but it feels true.

God, karma, coincidence, chance has removed all semblance of female presence from my life as all my classmates and neighbors are now male. Apparently not only do I relate better to women, which I knew, but I stop responding in their absence, which I didn't know.

My teacher is female, but I'm so unresponsive to her in class she treats me like dirt and does her best to ignore me without falling below the level of professionality. I actually like the classroom setting without women, because since I relate and respond to them, I also get distracted by them. I like all my classmates, I like the dynamic, but they wouldn't know it because I just don't respond to them.

It's either that, or it's what I think is the real reason – which is my problem with languages. Even though my new teacher is much better than my previous teacher, my listening comprehension is still far below everyone else, and I'm often left out of discussions. I can catch up if I'm spoon-fed the topic, but my unresponsiveness doesn't motivate anyone, including the teacher, to bother spoon-feeding me.

Take your pick as to what you think is the real underlying reason. I actually don't think one or the other is real, I'm just throwing them out.

I think I've really found a new level of dispassionate not caring. I see that as a good thing, a motivating thing. I'm still trying to balance the negative thing, but I also have the suicide thing keeping things in perspective and pushing me to the positive. Constantly asking myself am I ready to go now? (Yes) Am I going to go now? (Not quite yet). But that "almost" feels good.

I want the next attempt to be pretty spontaneous with a realization that I'm not attached to anything and I'm not afraid of anything. It's becoming clearer what stopped me that last time in San Francisco. Everything I had developed in San Francisco created a huge attachment. In Taiwan, I have nothing, no one. Fuckin' A.