It stopped raining today. I'm in a sort of post-S.A.D. shock. It's like my entire world changed this past week. I was trying to re-establish suicide in my life, and the rain made sure that was easy. Now that I have it back, I just have to maintain it as dharma, and not get distracted with . . . whatever was distracting me from it before.

Suicide as dharma? Why not? It's extreme and should be rigorously scrutinized and questioned, but theoretically, there's no inherent problem with it. Theoretically, anything is possible as dharma.

Suicide as part of my identity. It's part of what makes me me. Without it in my personal description, the picture of me is not complete. I guess what happened for a while is that doing it became unnecessary. Doing it wasn't as important as the philosophical and existential basis it suggested. And it still isn't necessary, but the calling is back.

At the same time, I have to keep working on decreasing the role of negativity in the equation, continue cultivating wisdom, altruistic intention, lightness. Whatever.