I've been writing about suicide for a long time. You'd think that one of these times, I could go back and look at what I've written before, and look at where I am now, and say, "I'm sure glad I didn't off myself back then".

Nope.

It's all still valid, and having failed in the past has made no difference in my opinion or outlook. Nothing has come up that would make me regret in retrospect if I had succeeded.

Even all the writings when I was specifically pointing at that period in time as being perfect to do it. Still valid. Should have done it then. But being the optimist that I am, I am aware that all those things are still valid.

Am I waiting or hoping for something to change? Yikes, is all I have to say. I hope not. That would invite the "what if the life-changing thing would have come to me the day after I did it?" scenario. And I refuse to live my life like that.

Am I going to do it? Am I doing it now? No. So no, I'm not going to do it, no matter what I say.

But being in Taipei feels like I'm certainly going to give it another serious shot. The rain guarantees it. When it's nice out, I'm fine, but now when the rain starts, it's like I feel every drop I hear on my last nerves. It's not a reason to do it, it's just a trigger. I have the reasons lined up like a slam-dunk lawsuit. So now it's just about staying mentally there for the right moment, when I ask "am I doing it now?" and the answer is yes. And it won't be blogged.