So last night was a shit night, which is not to be distinguished from the rest of the shit week, or today's shit day as it continues to rain, exacerbating the leak in my ceiling. My hopes for last night being my sleep catch-up night were fading as anxiety and despair over my situation grew.
My blood was turning to ice, freezing, numbing, then cracking as every few minutes I would hear a drop of water hit the trash bin I had placed under the leak, for which I had to move my mattress. I thought I had better just get up and write basically what I'm going to write below, but I also knew if I did that, I would be hitting a tipping point because I would be running on pure negative emotions by that point.
I don't know what I did besides just staying in bed, but I fell asleep.
The tipping point thing was important, because as I'm trying to re-establish my aspiration to suicide, I realized a few days ago that I was still thinking of it months in advance. That had to change, I had to make it now, whenever that would be.
Whenever suicide comes up, it can't be months in advanced or even days in advanced. If it's not now, stop thinking about it. If something tells me, yes, I'm ready now, then make the decision and go, or when the MRT starts running in the morning.
As a mental exercise, that has been great. Forcing myself to make it immediate helps put it back into perspective whether it's something I want to do. Mostly it is. It just befits all the patterns in my life. I just keep coming back to it. I dunno, it's just different.
I've also been running through every aspect of it I can possibly think of during sitting. Including the difficulty I will cause when the news reaches my family. Not easy stuff. How the news reaches them is a whole nother story, but also goes to why they are still not a reason not to do it.
I look at my life, all it's been and what it looks like in the future, and my present bloody butt-fucking circumstances, and I'm supposed to tolerate this so they don't have to go through that? What they go through or not go through is not my responsibility, just as how I got here and the desolate wasteland exile I've found myself in Taiwan is not their responsibility.
Of course, we are each others' responsibility, as our mutual emotional bond depends on it, but apparently somebody didn't get the memo. I'm pretending I didn't see it.
But I managed to get to sleep, and I woke up this morning and it was still raining. I studied for my test today, took my test today, bombed my test today leaving one section pretty much blank.
But I walk and appreciate my two legs and that I'm in good health. I feel my breath and feel its life, my contact with the world, it penetrating me and delivering itself to me. I thank it, I thank me, I thank all that makes it possible. However, the result of that gratitude is not necessarily what you might think it should be.
But if I give up and decide I can't stand it anymore and go back to the U.S., I will try to find someone to take over my lease, but if I can't and lose the deposit, so fucking what?! If I feel I can't stand it anymore, what the fuck is $600? Why care about the lost tuition money?
Money is not supposed to be an issue in this lifetime. With all the unlubricated butt-fucking karma I have, that is not an issue. Maybe I've dealt with it before, maybe I'll deal with it later, but it's just not my problem issue in this lifetime.
I guess that's all. I'm just glad I waited until now to write this. Maybe it doesn't sound reasoned and calm (maybe it does), but I feel more comfortable getting this out like this, than I would have if I tried to last night.
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| 4:14 p.m. - Taipei 101 |
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| 5:34 p.m. - lights turning on. Indeed, office lights were on all day. |
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| 5:35 p.m. - Taipei City Hall. A candidate for ugliest city hall building ever. The Chinese characters literally translated say Taipei City Government. Because I understand that much (and not much more). |
