I'm starting to struggle again. I'm starting to flounder. It's an old, old feeling. I don't remember it directly, more out of probability. That I've done this before. That I've felt this way before. Then something covered it up for the longest time. Probably the realization that I wasn't going to commit suicide.

The old paradigm still applies, if I'm not committing suicide right now, then I'm not committing suicide, no matter what I say, no matter what I plan.

But Taiwan would be the place to do it. Far away from everyone, not that there is anyone. I don't have a lot of crap that someone will have to deal with, and I don't give a crap about anyone here having to deal with it. And the water is warm.

For some reason it feels a lot more comfortable doing it here than in San Francisco, maybe because I did have roots in San Francisco, maybe because I still had some semblance of connection in San Francisco, distractions and attachments. In Taiwan, this is exile.

But I have to deal with this weight of negativity. The old paradigm still applies that I won't commit suicide because of negative emotions. Negative emotions are different from negativity, but the sheer force of the negativity that has been arising in me in Taiwan has been leading to negative emotions.

Negative emotions can be controlled. Negativity is the results of past causes and conditions. All I can hope for is to work on the negativity, but I can't get rid of it. It's too manifest. It's too perpetuate. I just created a new adjectival out of a verb form.

I got desperate for connection the other day and went to Eslite bookstore and, not finding any of the offerings by Thich Nhat Hanh appealing, I bought a book by the Dalai Lama. It's very good and has been stirring up positive sediments. That's what I need, while also re-establishing an aspiration to commit suicide.

First get rid of this churning, growing, acid, eating hatred, anger, frustration, isolation, hostility.

No more setting dates. Just keeping a finger on the pulse of readiness. And when ready, go. Same as it ever was.

SATURDAY, MARCH 3, 12:58 p.m. - Never seen this kind of bird before, but it's beautiful. I wonder how it tastes.

Damn, that was quite an impact. Pentax ZX-5n, Kodak BW400CN.

MONDAY, MARCH 5, 7:41 a.m. - On the way to school crossing a very full Jingmei River.

MARCH 7, 4:12 p.m. - New art installation on the south plaza of Taipei 101.