I've started having the biggest pangs yet of doubt and even fear. That's new. Maybe because this time it's more of a reality forming, whereas, like I mentioned, before it may have been more vanity; or at least that's what it feels like now in retrospect. Where I end up if I fail this time will be a very dark place, and picking up the pieces will be far more depressing.

I may even be sliding down the slippery slope of passing this time around. I locate dates and situations that just feel comfortable for me to leave. Several have already passed this cycle of intent. One coming up. One perfect one coming up. I think I have to at least go through the motions and not psych myself out about it. Keep the emotions out of it.

If I pass, it's not the end of the world and I'll keep on locating dates. I've done this before, so that's depressing. The hardest evidence that I'm not going to do it is that I'm still here now. After a while, momentum would fizzle out and the cycle ended.

Even if I miss this coming date, I have to maintain the cycle, and actually I don't think that will be hard. Before, I always went by feeling. And it's not about what I feel anymore. I look at my life and these are facts. Some of which I can't control, some of which I'm choosing to be unwilling to control.

I'm starting to annoy myself now.