Maintaining or even monitoring "equilibrium" is emotional. By nature. If this is not an emotional issue anymore, then equilibrium has nothing to do with anything. And I think that's true at this point. Before, suicide by nature was an emotional issue and it was fair to monitor equilibrium.

But I don't think that's the case now. I've run my life into such a deep dead end that even though emotions still may be present, they just don't factor in. Whether positive elements emerge or negative drops accumulate, that's not what it's about.

I have certain facts now that are irrefutable. Before there was some wiggle room for 'let's see what happens'. They were always pointless, but now the pointlessness has an added poignancy; an added urgency.

At the same time, I am focusing more carefully at the positive elements in the equilibrium. The quiet moments. The calm moments. What I've mentioned before as the passive positive elements when things simply aren't going wrong or badly. They're here. They're often. But I don't know if that's the point.

It's not bad. I could float, couldn't I? Even if I could, why would I? To do the things I enjoy? To listen to music; get lost in the music? To push myself physically running and cycling. To cultivate myself mentally and spiritually? Bah! My heyday is behind me, I'm only going to get weaker. There are no more challenges for me to conquer, no more accolades to be earned. Unless you count earning a sustenance salary and living a mundane life as long as possible. Not.

November is the cage. This is where I (once more) come to grips with myself, and if I get out of November, I'll . . .

Giving myself until the end of November is a huge luxury. I won't project on what I'll do if I get out of November, because I . . .

So what happened last time? Last time was vanity. It seems now.

Was I really convinced last time? Kinda, but there is a difference between then and now.

Shin Kong Mitsukoshi shopping plaza, Xinyi District. Nikon N70 Kodak BW400CN.