Diary of an insomniac

I was hoping the insomnia was gone. Since grappling with it two weeks ago in Kaohsiung, I think I've actually been getting enough sleep in hours, but I haven't been getting enough rest. Waking up and being able to go back to sleep may have been counting towards hours, but not rest. I've been just clinging on by my fingernails to get enough sleep to function at work. Just enough to not quit. And I'm about to quit again for good.

I went down to Kaohsiung again this past weekend. I got my Taiwanese citizenship. And my sleep got disturbed again. It's 8 in the morning now after sleeping from 5 to 6:20. Yesterday I got a full sleep, but then slept all through the afternoon, went to work the part time shift, which starts later, and I was a complete zombie. I think I was even near hostile at some points. I don't remember much of it. Sleep, but no rest. But I'm a Taiwanese citizen now.

I'm sick of the bullshit at the job. It's not a matter of just being satisfied with what I've got, just being happy, which I can do. I'll jump ship if any other opportunity comes up. I wasn't hostile in any way that other people would call hostile. I felt I was hostile, but I think "direct" is a more objective way to describe it.

Something's definitely wrong. Something definitely has to be wrong. If something's not wrong, what the hell is going on? How can I be abusing my life in this way without something seriously wrong? At this point, I just want to make it to my U.S. trip and wrap things up over there. Dropping dead at any point is just fine with me.

Kaohsiung:

FRIDAY, MAY 22 - Actually undated and unlocated, but confidently extrapolated. Rainbow V 22mm lens toy camera. Kodak BW400CN.

SATURDAY, MAY 23

World Games stadium.

2:52 p.m. - World Games stadium.

4:01 p.m. - Dali shopping center.

4:58 p.m. - Park Road.

Star Trek (2009, USA)

Dude, wow. How I hated to relegate my commentary on "Ip Man" to the second spot below, but dude, wow.

Background/bias: I grew up on "Star Trek", the original series. As a kid I asked my dad (I think, I don't remember ever asking my dad anything but it must have been the case) to record midnight reruns of "Star Trek". I even credit Star Trek for the early development of my awareness of using art to comment on social and political issues. If you watch the original series you can often find a message relevant to the times in the episodes.

I was a snob, so I dismissed initial episodes of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" with disdain. It was a family drama set in space and unworthy of the Star Trek legacy. By my measure it wasn't until the 3rd season where TNG found its Star Trek soul and continued excellence to the end of the series run.

"Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" didn't do it for me, even though the later seasons got consistently rave reviews. Something about the space station not going anywhere – I want to move and boldly go where no one has gone before, I want to pee on the ceiling, not just sit at the mouth of a bloody, boring wormhole.

"Star Trek: Voyager" was up and down, hit and miss. It had worthy moments but I lost interest and from what I hear it kind of fizzled out in the end. I don't even remember the fate of Voyager even though I do remember asking someone.

I thought "Enterprise" had a lot of potential but TV programming is based on ratings, not integrity, so I thought "Enterprise" got cancelled before it was allowed to mature and develop. And yes, even if it was continued, the success of the series depends on the writing and who knows how that would have gone. It wasn't a sure thing and so it got cancelled.

"Star Trek" is a reboot of the original series. If it's a continuing movie series, it's doing my idea for a new Star Trek series, just in movie form. I agree with the glowing reviews that this is a great Star Trek movie, although I, we, may all be biased. Nostalgia got the better of me at times as my eyes glistened. Anyone familiar with the original series characters will have no problem relating to the reboot. Spock, played by Zachary Quinto is a bit more Skylar (from "Heroes") than Leonard Nimoy, but ultimately lives up to the part. He could've studied Leonard Nimoy's vocal inflections more closely, but that's just me. That could be said about the Kirk character, too, but this is a reboot, not a remake.

By no means is the movie anywhere near perfect and looks like there may be problems all over the place. I say "may be" because some percentage of those problems may actually be plausible given changes in the timeline. There's also a lot of sheer ridiculousness and "gimme a break" moments which is standard fare in action films now. The science is also really questionable. I know it's science fiction, but the Star Trek franchise is known for presenting pretty good science, so in that regard this film is a step away from the Star Trek "soul" I mentioned. It's one of several.

I think the main thing this film brings to the legacy of the original series is that it fleshes out the characters. After watching this film I realized how one-dimensional the characters were in the original series. They were presented and then they basically remained the same through the entire three season run. Of course that was the '60s and what was sophisticated on TV then is different from now. This film gives the characters depth, complexity and histories. Even the bridge characters who don't get in-depth past treatment, we're shown why they're there on the bridge of the Enterprise, the flagship of Starfleet – they are the best of the best. Where they were a bit campy caricature in the original series, they now kick ass in a pinch.

OK, maybe some spoilers now, so stop reading, skip to "Ip Man", good movie. I give "Star Trek" a fresh 8 out of 10 tomatoes.

I did read one review before I saw the movie because I had to for work. The review mentioned that 400 years of Star Trek history gets wiped out and I thought that was snarky hyperbole on some oversight on the part of the writers. It's not hyperbole. This movie wipes out 400 years of parts of Star Trek history. There are episodes in the original TV series that are now impossible. This movie does something radical to the Star Trek legacy! It creates a new timeline! And we find out the fate of Spock in the old timeline! Is that how Spock really ends up? Fascinating. But I guess we had the same reaction when we found out how Kirk ends up in the first TNG movie.



Ip Man (2008, Hong Kong)

This film is about the legendary martial arts Wing Chun master, Ip Man; perhaps more legendary due to one of his legendary disciples, Bruce Lee.

Bruce Lee is so overshadowing in popular martial arts media that most people unfamiliar with martial arts (and even those who are) don't know who Ip Man was or the facts regarding his legend. It's hard to know what is fact and what is fiction, except that if he taught one of the most renowned martial artists of all time, he had to have been pretty darn good. This portrayal of Ip Man elevates the man to legendary status, depicting him as an unbeatable Zen-like god of martial arts, who has not only flawless and effortless martial arts, but is a paragon of character and moral judgment.

This is a simple, straight-forward martial arts film, but focusing on its strength – martial arts – it's a great martial arts film. It fictionalizes the details of Ip Man's life as he lives in his legend, defeats challengers and bullies without breaking a sweat, and then endures the humiliation and brutality of the Japanese menace during World War II, and, of course, survives.

It's not a perfect film. The Ip Man character is too one-dimensional, and the effort to complicate issues with the nagging, henpecking wife and petulant child contradicts the efforts to portray The Legend. It's an easy, simple, straight-forward martial arts film, but as such, it's definitely not bad. Donnie Yen in the title character is fantastic, even though I'm biased against Donnie Yen because he kinda looks funny and his name doesn't exactly command respect (think Osmond). Still, in the various Donnie Yen films I've seen, he is more than a worthy martial arts action film star, up with the best. Sammo Hung's action direction is also up to his best work.

I continue to find Asian portrayals of wartime Japan interesting. No one connotes modern Germany with Nazi Germany, but the Imperial Japanese military just can't shake its bad image which is even projected onto modern Japan. You hate the Japanese military from these portrayals, but somehow you get the sense that they're still commenting about Japan today. No doubt a large part of this is the continuance of the Japanese political establishment of honoring Japan's war dead at the Yasukuni shrine and the constant effort at revising history by justifying Japanese aggression and denying the "comfort women" war crime, which I also find to be a continuing source of disgust and outrage.

Germany has owned up to its Nazi past, decried it and has moved on. It's a crime in Germany to make displays of Nazi support. Until Japan has done the equivalent – and making world contributions in cuteness doesn't count – its military past will continue to be battered by Asian cinema. And the more cinema is created bashing Japan's military past, the more it will be documented for as long as film lasts.

8 out of 10 tomatoes.

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I don't know why I splurged on the iPod Shuffle after weeks of admiring it in the store counter. Something just snapped. But I can't tell you how cute the iPod Shuffle is. It's not perfect, it's not for everyone, so people criticizing it can just say it's not the kind of player that meets their needs and shut up. The voiceover feature is cool and cute, but not perfect. The sound clarity isn't great. 764-HERO is announced as "seven hundred and sixty-four hero" and I don't even want to guess what it was trying to say for Aereogramme. But how would it know? The Mandarin is good as far as I can tell.

I went on my second run and I need a new pair of running shoes. I got the ones I have now because they were really light, but that means not enough padding. They're good for sprints. And I am going to get a new pair of running shoes. If I have the cash, I'm going to spend it. I can't possibly go on living much longer despite having passed my second health check to get my Taiwan ID card. I don't even care if I'm spending beyond my monthly means now that I'm working again. I just don't care. I can't possibly live much longer. Although I don't know why my life consists of these opposite self-destructive parts (drinking, negativity) and healthy parts (exercise, mindfulness).

I'm supposed to get my ID card on Friday. I'm taking the all-night bus to Kaohsiung again after work Thursday. Work is going to start seriously hurting due to lack of copy editors, and I'm not going to do a thing to fill in the void. And my three-week vacation starting in mid-June is non-negotiable. If the other guy gets stuck, it's not my problem. I consider him the senior copy editor, so he's got the responsibility.

I don't know why I'm still awake. I'm going to see the early show of "Star Trek" tomorrow, my day off. If insomnia wakes me up, I'll go to the early show. If I get a full sleep, I can't complain about that and I'll go to an afternoon show.

Does anyone remember my idea for a new Star Trek TV series several years ago? The idea was to start shooting new original series episodes with a new cast. The original series is so iconic, but it's dragged down by its campiness and antiquated technology. So the idea was to reinvent the series, updating the technology so it fits with the technological timeline of later series, and releasing the characters' association with those specific actors. The new movie is not quite that idea, but I'm glad something on those lines got picked up.

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I say Summer finally officially got here on Friday. That was one long Spring for Taipei. Electric fan has already come on and will be on all the live-long day in Summer months. Aircon has yet to come on. I'm actually very tolerant of heat and I don't like the feel of air conditioning. Well, when it's really hot, cool air obviously feels really nice, but I don't like the "artificial" feel to air conditioning. I like natural air. And the electricity consumption doesn't feel good and I don't even directly pay for electricity.

Cold showers. Taipei is pretty cold in Winters, and until Summer hits cold showers are pretty unimaginable, but when Summer arrives cold showers are our best friend. No more long pants. I can't believe I wore long pants way into May this year. One thing to love about Taiwan is that it has embraced capris for men (called 3/4 pants), which makes so much more sense than friggin' Thailand where they insanely insist on wearing long pants even in Summer heat, and it's even hotter there. After two days I still haven't packed away my comforter, but I suppose that will happen pretty soon if it becomes certain that Summer is here. I've been sleeping on top of my covers for most part.

And, of course, lighter Summer shirts.

And lighter iPods.

I bought a 3rd gen. iPod Shuffle today. I know. Decadent. Maybe I was rewarding myself for two nights of what I nominally consider full nights of sleep. Yay me. Or not. I'm not sure I'm in the clear with the insomnia but the last two nights were promising. At best.

The Shuffle rules, though. It's nice to have my entire music collection on my 80GB iPod, but the way I listen to music I only need the Shuffle from day to day. The size is perfect because with carrying a bunch of cameras around, too, the 80GB can be cumbersome. And with over 13,000 songs in my collection and constantly adding more, the voiceover feature is nice to tell me what song is playing if I don't know it. It's really cute because I have Japanese songs in my collection and the voiceover announces them in a female voice. wtf? I'm curious to find what the voice is for Korean pop songs.

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Insomnia back this morning, but could've been worse. I got four hours of sleep and then another couple hours of fitful tossing and turning before getting up and sitting.

Sitting is the same, but I should emphasize that losing that still point is no failure. It's not something to strive for and definitely not something to try to force. In losing it, I just realize that I still have further cultivation to do, further mindfulness to cultivate; cut down the karma, the rampant mental stimulus which becomes habit and leads to rampant wandering thoughts and lack of focus and concentration, ie, still point.

It seems blogging is good for self-encouragement as I finally went to a drum practice room yesterday and practiced my index finger raw. This evening I finally went running which means I'll be walking around like macdaddy tomorrow.

Undated Taipei, Rainbow V 22mm lens toy camera. Kodak BW400CN.

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After a couple nights of about 5 hours of sleep, last night I got a full night of normal sleep! I woke up to my alarm (for the first time in weeks) which failed to keep me awake, and after more than an hour of not being able to peel myself off my mattress (sleeping), I managed to get up and sit. The good thing about a night job is that there is a huge buffer of time before I have to be somewhere. The downside is that it's a whole bunch of time that gets wasted.

All winter I've been bemoaning not being able to get up in a spritely manner and being productive after my alarm goes off, usually around 11:00 a.m., but now I'm, like, bring it . . .zzzzz.

Diary of an insomniac

Yeehaw! I got at least 5 1/2 hours of sleep. I thought I got more, but then I remembered that it was getting light outside by the time I went to sleep so it was after 5:00 a.m. When I woke up I turned toward my clock expecting it to be 7:00 or 8:00, but it was just past 11:00 a.m. so that felt really good. Since then I've still been groggy and slow due to the accumulated sleep loss over the past week and weeks. Like I took in a roll of film to be developed and I set my bike outside the photo shop and I think, I don't remember, I didn't lock it because I would only be inside for a few minutes and I could see my bike at all times. I gave them my film, asked for no pictures and only a CD as I always do, paid, was told it would be ready at 7:00 p.m., and walked out.

I'm guessing that it was at this point that I was so out of it that I mindlessly locked my bike, just automatically doing the bike lock habit thing when I either get to my bike or leave it. I then put my backpack in the front basket, also habit, kicked up the kickstand and tried to move the bike only to find it locked. Puzzled and annoyed since I didn't think I locked it and don't remember locking it, I proceeded to unlock it and told myself to be more mindful. Then I took my backpack out of the front basket, started to wheel the bike backwards and . . . why the hell did I take the backpack out of the basket?

The weather has finally started heating up. I haven't been riding. Just not in the mood. I keep telling myself I'll go, though. Same with running. But I keep drinking, too. Come to think of it I've lost all motivation for music, too. After quitting the band I've been to a drum practice room exactly once. I've all but stopped carrying a shakuhachi around, which I attribute to sucky closures of certain parts of the riverside bikeways. Haven't touched my bass for months. I still sometimes pick up my guitar and warble a tune to myself. I think I'll have a drink.

I lost that 'clear point' in sitting that I mentioned before. That's a good thing really, because it shows that it wasn't just a fluke, something easy. It's not easy. And needs more work, but in touching it I know it's real. I need a new method, a new approach to it. I may have touched it but it was just a cursory glimpse, no real understanding of it. But since then my mind has been chattery and wander-y more than ever. It's a non-stop din, worse than before.

I've made plans to go back to the U.S. for 3 weeks starting in mid-June. It's a free ticket so I first go to Japan, then to San Francisco, and then to Newark. Coming back I go to Vancouver, Canada, then Incheon, Korea, then back to Taipei.

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Diary of an insomniac

Getting out of Taipei didn't help, and even in Kaohsiung insomnia reigned my nights. And talking about psychotic episodes, I found myself ravaging the kitchen in the wee hours looking for a corkscrew after I found several bottles of wine in a cabinet.

I was hoping to go to sleep early since I knew once I woke up to go back to Taipei, there wouldn't be any chance to wrangle much sleep before I had to go to work. At 1:40 a.m., I gave myself 20 minutes to get to sleep. At 2:00 I got up and studied an article of Chinese. I also found a can of beer in a drawer and stuck it in the freezer to cool it down. After 3:00, I gave myself another certain amount of time to fall asleep, and that didn't work so I got up and sat for 45 minutes and then started working on another article of Chinese and that put me past 5:00.

I also mercilessly killed at least 4 mosquitoes, which is my equivalent of going around stabbing people during a psychotic episode. Two of the killings were bloody. I must have gone through every single fucking drawer several times looking for a corkscrew. Why were there 3 bottles of wine without a single fucking corkscrew in the apartment (the wine was no doubt leftover from my cousin's wedding in January and otherwise there's no one to drink them, that's why)? So I snuck upstairs to my uncle's apartment in search of a corkscrew. This was after 5:00 in the morning and I noticed the elevator was on the 1st floor, so my uncle had already left to go swimming as he does every morning. I made my way around the kitchen drawers like a thief, but then I misestimated the length of a short drawer and it went crashing to the ground, so I gave up sneaking around and just turned on the fucking light. Luckily it didn't wake my aunt.

No luck. I ended up going out to a convenience store and buying a small flask of Jimmy Beam, and slugging that down in gulps finally put me out after 6 until about 10:30 when my uncle woke me for brunch, after which I was going back to Taipei by High Speed Rail at 12:06, arriving at 1:42. After getting home, I took a double shot of Dewars and slept dubiously for about an hour before I had to get ready for work. No incidents at work.

After work, my night was pretty much ordinary and I tried going to sleep at 4:30 a.m., only to wake up before 8:00. I lay in bed in a twilight daze for about another hour before I got up, sat for 45 minutes, gulped down a quarter bottle of gin and knocked myself out until just before 3:00 p.m. Less than 5 hours of alcohol-imposed sleep, I'm hoping that's enough to get me through work tonight.

The paper is running an article today about how in some northern latitudes, when there's constant sunlight during the summer months, there's a spike in violent suicides caused by insomnia.

Kaohsiung:

FRIDAY, MAY 8, 5:49 a.m. - Arrival in Kaohsiung by bus, too early for the KMRT so walking from the main station area to Formosa Blvd. Station to kill time.

5:57 a.m. - Even buildings leave impressions upon other buildings after they're gone.

5:58-6:02 a.m. - Formosa Blvd. Station.

4:22 p.m. - Along the Port of Kaohsiung where the old rail line has been converted to recreational paths.

4:34 p.m. - Shipping container art installations. Being located next to a port probably makes it easy to obtain discarded shipping containers.

4:41-4:42 p.m.

4:43 p.m. - Port of Kaohsiung

Rainbow V 22mm lens toy camera. Kodak BW400CN.

SATURDAY, MAY 9

5:51 p.m. - World Games stadium from the KMRT station, but too late in the day to check it out. Earmarked for the next visit.

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Finding Shangri-La (2009, Taiwan)

This film is about a woman who is devastated by the death of her 6-year-old son and can't move on, and is still pursuing legal action against those responsible for his death even though they were acquitted in court (the legal aspects in this film are dubious and should be ignored). Her husband wants her to move on and their marriage has become strained (I'm reading a subtext of no sex for 2 years into it).

Her despair takes her from Taipei to a city in southwest China that was re-named "Shangri-La" last year to boost tourism (really, it was an actual news story the newspaper I work for covered). Hilarity ensues. Or not. If I recall correctly, the movie didn't get glowing reviews but it wasn't panned outright. I guess that's fair. I liked it but I can see how other people might be annoyed by it or think it trite.

It's not a stretch to guess that this movie is about finding peace, closure. It's not a Buddhist film although it has overt Buddhist elements and contains passing hints of Buddhist philosophy. The elements of karma in the film are of the pretty banal what-comes-around-goes-around type which is a patently incorrect reading of the concept. A Buddhist fable is referenced which portrays the Buddha as a supernatural being with powers to make things happen for truth and justice and the Buddhist way, but a legitimate teaching of the story should emphasize that everything's a matter of perception. The Buddha can't do anything transformative but only point the way to a path of transformation.

The director does put in an example of a Tibetan practice where you're always putting yourself in the place of other people in order to understand them and develop compassion for them. Everyone more or less does what they do for a reason. They may do something you don't like or annoys you or even harms you, but if you were in their shoes and with their background you might have done exactly the same thing. And without giving anything away, it's sort of the equivalent of a car crash that's witnessed by different people from different perspectives and they all have different accounts of who was at fault or what transpired.

I noted a film before for being a textbook for rolling out a classical narrative. Each character is introduced in due order with their roles plainly delineated. Events unfold logically and everything holds together very nicely. And I noted another film which deftly doled out information and cleverly back-referenced itself to good effect. This film is kind of the opposite. The narrative is disjunct and information is intentionally withheld and jarringly doled out. Back-referencing is rampant and one key flashback is cut up and spread out. I don't think it necessarily harms the film (the technique worked particularly well in 12 Monkeys), but it wasn't until the second viewing that many of the pieces came together and I could see what the filmmaker was doing. It just wasn't as clever or deep as the director may have been trying to be.

Still, the film captures emotions well. The plot suffers in more than one way and it depends on the individual if they can be forgiven or not. I noted but forgave them. There is a magical element in the film which I've seen before in other films with Tibetan Buddhism as a theme, but here it isn't clearly magical. There's a perfectly rational and psychological explanation. I thought that was curious and interesting having that option in interpretation.

I'm torn about how the people responsible for the son's death is handled. What a couple of bad eggs, but isn't forgiveness an essential point in Buddhism?

Fresh 7 out of 10 tomatoes.



Quantum of Solace (2008, UK)

There's really no point in reviewing a James Bond film unless its ridiculously sub-par like "Die Another Day". Otherwise a James Bond film is a James Bond film. Don't watch for plot or twists or plausibility. Watch for the cars, Bond girls, guns, shit blowing up, and the implausible but kinetic action. This film fits the bill well enough.

Bond goes up in a primitive propeller biplane and is attacked by an air force jet fighter, guess who wins. Bond is in a sputtering wood fishing boat against sleek muscle speedboats with mounted machine guns, guess who wins. That's hyperbole but you get my point.

I grew up on James Bond films so I'm one of the initiated. I even grew up on Roger Moore as James Bond so my bar was set pretty low.

Daniel Craig as James Bond is great. I like the gritty, hardened, no-nonsense tough-guy reboot of the character. He may even trump the other Bonds as a (perceived) legitimate secret service type, although I'm sure Sean Connery could pull it off, and probably better, too, if he were just starting in the role now. I think Sean Connery could have found a balance between the suave and the tough-guy, whereas Daniel Craig gets the tough and the cool down but not so much the likable (edit: Sean Connery's Bond in the first film, Dr. No, is a gritty, no-nonsense tough-guy).

This is a worthy James Bond film as long as you don't think too much, er, at all rather, about what's not making sense and what doesn't quite work or fit and just go along with the ride. Most James Bond films are episodic, meaning they have no relationship to one another, but this film has a direct link to the previous "Casino Royale". Having watched that quite a while ago and forgotten the details, there were elements in this film that I couldn't follow so a refresher viewing of that may be advised.

The action and pacing of the film is good, the good guys are OK, likable enough, although I would've liked the option of seeing one of them in future Bond films. I'm not so sure about the bad guys. The French bad guy was probably too easy. You make a bad guy French and it's almost a given that he's ridiculous and will be humiliated and gets no respect. And his dumb and dumber-looking henchman didn't help.

I have no problem recommending this film to James Bond or action film fans, although they probably wouldn't need my recommendation. As a film, it was watchable but not notable. As a James Bond film, I'll give it a fresh rating of 6 of 10 tomatoes.

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I had a flashback of my last year's insomnia. Two days in a row now, I woke up after 5 hours and couldn't get back to sleep. When the insomnia was abating last year, I was thrilled, triumphant to get 5 hours straight of sleep.

But I remember the feeling clearly, it was very specific and I recognized it right away and was horrified. I'm hoping this is nothing, but if it comes back . . . I don't know how I'll react, so I won't project. But I think the insomnia did lead to psychotic episodes, and don't preclude them from happening again.

By psychotic episodes, I don't mean going around stabbing people, but being put in such an altered, even deranged state of mind that my responsibility in my actions is questionable. If the insomnia comes back and if there are any incidents at work, I would quit in less than a heartbeat.

Oh yeah, when talking about the "conditions last year" which made work so difficult, can't forget the insomnia . . . or the hiccups! What if the hiccups come back?

My life has no active positive elements, which is to differentiate from passive positive elements, what people generally refer to as "counting our blessings". I generally think of myself as being in excellent health, despite years and years and continuing years of alcohol abuse.

On one hand, yea, it could be worse. On the other hand my "excellent health" is such a cop-out. Year-to-year I get by without major mishaps, but year-to-year it's one single miserable health issue after another. If it's not insomnia or hiccups, it's allergies or stomach problems, digestion problems, skin problems, wrist problems, knee problems, etc.

Nothing that's going to kill me, which would suit me just fine, just little things that annoy the fuck out of me and wish for something that would just kill me. Little things that push that button, but not big enough to put other people on notice that something is up, that something is seriously wrong. Passive positive elements can go fuck themselves. Count my blessings, my ass.

I'm also going to stop talking about moving to Kaohsiung. It is no longer in my plans, even as an option or possibility. I strongly doubt it's going to happen, even more so than an untimely demise (although by now, anytime would be timely).

It's nothing against them, but there's nothing for them, either. I'm here in Taipei, if I'm making enough money to survive, why should I uproot myself and go to that uncertainty. Well, not uncertainty. If it were uncertainty, that's a reason to go, but it's a structured, safe uncertainty which makes it less attractive and ultimately pointless and would enable my laziness.

As much as I like my laziness, I recognize it as something I should try not to encourage.

10:57 p.m. - Empty lot off Sanmin Rd. near where I live. They've paved paradise, might as well put up a parking lot.

MONDAY, APRIL 27, 11:33 p.m. - Crunch time in the page design room at the China Post. Pages 1 and 2 and 15 and 16 are the last we work on with a midnight deadline we push, but rarely make. By 11:33, the pages in between would already have been sent to press. Anna in the foreground is super-sweet and speaks fair English and is an expert page designer. The guy standing in the back is a veteran no-nonsense local news writer and is overseeing work on the local pages (15 & 16). He's actually taking some slack off my job because his work will make sure the page comes to me in pretty good shape. Much appreciated. My copy editing station is on the other side of the window where we still use DOS computers!

I'm not sure what's different now. Several weeks back at work, and I think I can manage these 2-days-at-a-time, 4-day work weeks.

We still need to hire someone else, though. This job is partly an acquired skill, but some people never quite get it. Last year we had someone who defended misspelling "surprize" in a headline by saying it was the British spelling.

Currently, we have an intern as a reserve, and I've expressed that I don't think he's competent for the job and should only be called in for emergencies. Not careful enough, not fast enough, not detail-oriented enough.

The paper, The China Post, is changing with the new boss, and I'm feeling it's appropriate to demand more professionalism at the copy desk, and letting go people who aren't quite getting it – for me, people who I'm repeatedly cleaning up after, or who I can't rely on to catch any of my mistakes.

It really helps that the new boss speaks English, unlike my old boss, who could only read journalistic English and wasn't conversational (he could patch together a sentence or two for me, and with me patching a sentence or two of Chinese for him, we got along just fine).

It's a big difference, actually. I've also noticed a lot of new faces around the local news desk who apparently speak fluent English; something I attribute to the new boss.

The old hands are still there, and their English is competent, but not fluent, and sometimes we have to get them to do an interpretive dance to figure out their meaning, and then we have to re-write to make an article make sense.

Their saving grace, though, is that they are very intelligent and know how to write news. And I'm joking about the interpretive dance, usually when I bring up a question about something that didn't make sense, out of all the articles they've worked on, they know exactly which one I'm talking about, and can usually clarify it without even looking at what they wrote, i.e., what confused me.

And now that I think of it, the vast majority of the people pulling news from the foreign newswires now are also excellent in English. Only among the layout designers do we have a range of English skills from functionally non-existent (but sweet) to very good to functionally fluent.

When I started working there, none of the designers could be said to speak English. They studied compulsory English in school and paid enough attention to be familiar enough with the alphabet to do the layout design job, but they were a pain for us to work with.

Actually, my respect for my old boss has seriously plunged. He was touted for his dedication, but his management left much to be desired.

So I'm not sure what's different now. If the conditions were the same as they were last year, I wouldn't go back. My lifestyle, one with no active positive element in it, could not maintain those conditions.

Active positive elements means either a social network, or an activity that generates meaningful positive returns. Cycling is fun, but not meaningful. The band sucked ass. My social network consists of people who always say let's do something, but then nothing ever happens.

But the decreased days help. The possible lifestyle-supporting paycheck helps (I'll know for sure next month). Quitting the band helps. The new sitting helps. I think the new sitting really helps. It may have slipped in as the key factor for recent content.

It's making a big difference finally being able to grapple with the wandering thoughts and knowing the difference between a distracted mind and one that's at a still point. I probably had still points before, but that's all they were – a point before the swirl of thoughts swept my mind off again.

Now I'm finding how "big" that still point can be. It's a teeny step, but a big teeny step, and I do take it out into daily life with me. It feels new, but it's no doubt standing on the shoulders of my efforts to date, and it helps clearing out negative thoughts and negative responses.

It is about "being in the moment", which means being focusedly aware of oneself and one's surrounding, without discursive thought(s) running through one's mind. It's funny because "being in the moment" is one of the first things a novice hears in introductions to Zen. But what I was saying, "hey, yeah, right!" to 20 years ago is completely different from what it is now. Or it may be the same, just on a different cultivated level.

Now, at that still point, that "being in the moment", reality is vivid and clear. And this is just a dip in the water. I'm at a point where if I were traveling from New York to Taipei on foot for the past 20 years, I just reached the Pacific Ocean.

TUESDAY, APRIL 21, 2:43 p.m. - Home altar.

OK, I need to properly geek out in full about this video.



A while back I saw a movie I liked, "Candy Rain", and I liked the soundtrack, too, so I hunted that down. On the soundtrack, the standout song was by a band called Tizzy Bac. I'd noticed their CDs in shops because of their odd name, no Chinese version of it, and unique, artistic album cover art.

Soon after, I saw an ad for a live show on Valentine's Day that they were giving nearby to promote their 3rd and latest CD, so I made note to check them out. I thought they were good and I was intrigued. Not knowing their songs, I didn't get into it, but it was good enough for me to check them out further, so I bought their 2nd CD. I got their 3rd CD soon after and plan to pick up the 1st one. Their album titles are sentences, so there's no quick way to identify them by name. It's part of their artistic sensibility to not be like everyone else.

This video is for a song off the 2nd CD and I've been watching it repeatedly over the past several weeks, sending it to people trying to get them into it to no avail. They're considered an "underground" band here, so no wonder they don't appeal to mainstream tastes. Too bad, because I consider them quality with enough pop-like hook to draw in people if they gave them a chance.

When I saw them live, they were all dressed in black and white, wearing the same clothes as in their promo pic for the new CD (which I later realized was probably part of their subtle brand of quirky humor – the promo pic was movie screen size behind the stage, and I'm sure I'm not the only one in the audience who, during the course of the show, thought, "hey, they're wearing the same clothes!"). The singer was heavily eye-linered so she looked kind of goth, and they all seemed very serious.

But this video shows their humorous, quirky side, having fun, starting from the intro where the mystery man is standing on blocks to make him look taller, but you don't really notice that until he steps off and walks away after giving the folder to the singer. It's silly, subtle, what-the-hell? humor that I like.

The whole restaurant/toilet scene I thought was hilarious, especially the bassist's presentation of what was wrong with the drummer's gut, which could have been done more corny, but thankfully not. The shots in the toilet were painfully well-done and edited.

The chase scene speaks for itself with the bassist running out of the restaurant with his plate, and then the merry-go-round part of the chase with the singer trying to spur on her horse. I guess part of my appreciation is specialized since I recognize probably more than half of the places where they shot – including Sun Yat-sen Memorial Hall, Taipei Children's Park, Xinyi Vieshow theater, Dazhi Bridge and Dajia riverside park where the climax of the song is, starting from 5:25 in the video.

After 3 years here, I've finally started running into some good music here, but this is the first band I've found to rave about. I don't know of any band anywhere that sounds like them, with the unique way she uses piano. They're not geared for the pop market with most of their songs exceeding 5 minutes with extended instrumental sections. Still, they have great melodies and emotional content. They're not like candy, where it sounds catchy but then it wears out. The catchiness of their melodies and hooks takes a few listens to sink in, but then they dig in deep.

The Magic Hour (2008, Japan)

This Japanese comedy goes wrong in so many places it's not even funny. Hahaha, "it's not even funny" – geddit?! OK, seriously, though. Hahaha, "seriously, though" – geddit?! Ah, I'm killing myself. Hahaha, "I'm ki-" ok nevermind, no longer funny.

This comedy is about a low-level gangster gone wrong who saves his life by promising his boss to produce an elusive hitman he claims to know, only he doesn't. So he hires an actor to play the elusive hitman, only he uses a ruse to convince the actor to be hired, telling him it's really a film. Hilarity ensues. Or not. Unfortunately not, in this case.

I don't think there ever has been a film that has used so much contrivance and artifice to prop up a weak and shaky plot for so long. And at 137 minutes, WAY too long. A comedy should rarely exceed 90 minutes or it better be pretty damn funny. Credibility or plausibility are not what comedies are about, but this movie doesn't even come close. It panders to itself.

I'm not going to use the word "bad" to describe this film. I didn't view this film and think "bad". In fact, I got through the first DVD viewing alright, although after the first hour of the farce, it lost my interest because of implausibility. But knowing how the film unfolds, the film was absolutely unwatchable for a second time through. I couldn't even run it and ignore it while surfing the web. The holes caused by the implausibility should have melted the film in the canister.

It's competently shot and acted. It looks good and is sincerely presented. The problem is the fundamental source material. I'll note the Godfather references. Ultimately, I give it a rotten 3 out of 10 tomatoes.



La Lingerie (2008, Hong Kong)

I'm not a "Sex in the City" fan, I don't think I watched more than a couple episodes before not being drawn in enough to see what the hype was about. However, I have no doubt this Hong Kong romantic comedy is ripping off the "Sex in the City" style, with its pseudo-thoughtful musings on love and relationships in an urban setting from a female point of view which looks unusually how a male might view the female point of view. Or if it was written by a female, then maybe an astute female's view of how a male might view the female point of view. Ambiguity is key in selling a film like this.

However, ambiguity comes below eye candy, which might have been a better title for this film, and this film is a cinematic candy store.

Since I happened to have rented 2 comedies in a row, in comparison I'll say this one is much better than the above Japanese one. I do think Hong Kong does comedy better than Japan, in general terms. Japanese comedy is kind of uptight, whereas Hong Kong knows how to let loose.

This film isn't really about anything. It's just a "Sex in the City" rip-off. The eye candy is for the male audience, and the pseudo-insight on relationships is for the female audience. Clever. No substance. It's a passable film, it's not terrible, I don't know if it was insulting my intelligence or simply appealing further south. It took the second viewing to get all the characters straight, because in the first viewing, situations and characters were so poorly developed, if at all. In the second viewing, I could see what little development there is does actually get connected, and each character line is a continuous one, more or less.

I give it a fresh 7 out of 10 tomatoes. Not remarkable, but watchable, and I haven't had a date in an awfully long time. With a title like "La Lingerie", my standards are pretty damn low.

Things have changed yet again. The person I couldn't stand to work with – the only person in the world I can spit bile and venom about – got fired. It appears the new boss wasn't about to put up with her bullshit. Apparently he's the only other person who saw her the way I did.

Which is odd, because I'm still undecided on the new boss, too. My initial vibe isn't necessarily a good one, but I might be able to work with him. If he's professional, I can work with him, but I'll know in my gut if he's someone I can't work with. At this point, it can go either way – that's how much I can't get a read on him.

So they asked me back to work more shifts, and fortunately I'm in a position to say that I only want to work 4 days a week. It's only 1 day less than before, but I got burned out doing that job 5 days a week, probably because I was doing band stuff on the other two evenings.

And it's only a day and a half more per week than I've been doing for the past half year, which didn't earn enough to live on (the salary simply buoyed my diminishing savings during that period), but it does add up over a month.

I might be able to just scrape by on 4 days a week, also taking into account that my old boss supposedly gave me a raise in January – that's something I should check with accounting (that's me – I'm told I'm getting a raise, but I don't check up or follow up on it, and it's entirely possible my old boss simply forgot).

It's still sinking in what this all may mean to me. Do I keep at my plan to leave Taipei? Do I stay in Taipei resolving to "just be satisfied". If I leave Taipei, what does that mean?, where to? No one's holding their breath for me to move to Kaohsiung.

I am maintaining my recent revelations in sitting, but also I ran a death meditation a short while ago and it has left me . . . perplexed. That's all I'll say about it for now, I'm still working it out. If death isn't the focus of my life, I'm wondering if I've lost my way, especially if a new direction hasn't made itself apparent, or whether I'm in a transition period where things start coming together.

I'm still thinking of visiting the U.S. in May, and by going, I still ostensibly will be aiming to "wrap things up" there. Wrapping things up is supposed to precede a sincere attempt within months after returning to Taipei. But even by putting it off to go to the U.S. to wrap things up is just a delay tactic meaning nothing's gonna happen. Why not today? Why not right now? If it's not right now, then really it's not even an intention.

addendum: There is a lot being left out of this blog. But to qualify specifically what happened with that co-worker:

I'm perpetually thinking of quitting my job, and that was the case last autumn. I don't want to say the newspaper's rehiring her was the sole reason for my decision to quit back then, although I was reeled back in to work weekends by my boss.

She was the trigger, though. She made it easy to go in one day and tell my boss I was quitting, and he subsequently asked me to stay on and promised that I would only work days when she wasn't. I don't know why I didn't react to that insult, probably because I'm neurotic and have trouble letting go of things. And money is always an issue.

The insult: although me and my boss seemed to have a pretty good relationship, he was rehiring someone he knew he had problems with, and when it was clear I wouldn't work with her, he was rehiring her to replace me. After rehiring her, he often expressed regret at rehiring her because of the trouble she continued to bring to him, but he still didn't contemplate firing her, and I still kept the insult to me on the inside.

In my opinion, she was unprofessional, combative and irresponsible. She was capable of copy editing, but she let a lot of mistakes make it to print, more than I did, and my impression was that she didn't give a rat's ass about mistakes. She didn't give a rat's ass about the newspaper.

Perhaps one of the main reasons my old boss rehired her was to write a "community" page on weekends, focused on the foreign community. But her page, and I emphasize "her", she had full editorial license, was unremarkable, unprofessional and, to me, insulting in ways I won't mention. I never read it in depth, and I refused to edit her work (which I realize is unprofessional on my part, but I stand by it, and no one expected me to edit her work). My boss, not versed in English, couldn't tell the difference. The community page was supposed to counter one that a competitor newspaper had developed, and he was just happy that we had it.

So I worked on weekends as copy editor, and she spent weekends working on the community page. This meant that we didn't have to work together directly editing copy, but it so happened that we were in the office together on weekends, and I had to tolerate her presence.

Over the past six months, I did my best to tolerate her, ignore her, but I still examined my reaction to her and started treating her as a meditation, transforming my negative reaction into positive thoughts towards her. There were even times where we exchanged respectful words between us. Nothing was going to fix this relationship, though.

On her last day, this past Wednesday before she was fired, I was at a museum when I received a phone call from an acquaintance of the band who I didn't recognize, but apparently he was with her. But from what he said, he verified that I did know him from the bar/band.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8, 2:08 p.m. - National Museum of History

2:57 p.m. - Taipei Botanical Gardens adjacent to the National Museum of History. The Shin Kong Mitsukoshi landmark building near Taipei Main Station visible.

3:15 p.m.

3:40 p.m.

They were outside of Taipei, ostensibly conducting some interview for a story for her page, and couldn't make it back in time for her to do her copy editing shift. So he was calling me on her behalf to see if I could take the shift. I can only assume they went way out of their way to get my phone number from the band leader.

I agreed to take the shift, but then the shit hit the fan that night. In fact, this incident may have been the last straw for the new boss. When I walked in for her shift and he heard me say that she herself didn't call me to do the shift, but that someone else called, he expressed exasperation at that – as if she was that irresponsible – confirming his decision to fire her.

And right after she was fired Wednesday night, in saying her farewells, she was saying "he (his name) is firing me", as opposed to "I'm being fired" or "I got fired". She wasn't taking any responsibility that this was based on her work or her attitude, she was focusing blame just on this one person as if it were unreasonable and arbitrary, which I have no doubt is what she believes. In her being fired, he's the subject, not her.

But I'll repeat, it seems that me and the new boss were the only people to take issue with her. I don't know what was in anyone else's hearts, but I won't second-guess them and am willing say no one else had a problem with her. But I also won't say that people at the office don't have a problem with me and just don't bring it up.

Still, although I don't mind her being gone, I wish it could have happened on different terms. Someone being fired shouldn't be taken lightly, and it's not the ideal way to go. It may or may not have been an empty gesture, or otherwise emptily received, but I'm glad that as she was going out the door, I did express to her to take good care of herself. I don't wish ill upon her and never have. I just reacted to something I have no idea about, and never got to resolve.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8 - Liberty Plaza main gate. Rainbow V.

National Museum of History from the Botanical Gardens. Reverse of earlier shot. Rainbow V.

THURSDAY, APRIL 9, 4:59-5:02 p.m. - Experimental digital black & white, Keelung River. IXUS 860 IS.

APRIL 10 - Keelung riverside bikeway. Rainbow V.

SATURDAY, APRIL 11 - Grand Hotel Taipei. Rainbow V.

Red Cliff, Part II (2009, China)

Overall, a much better film than Part 1, although this movie had the distinct advantage of standing on the shoulders of the first one, which, if I recall correctly, I described as a "self-indulgent, overblown mess".

With Red Cliff, legendary Hong Kong action film director John Woo appears to be shooting for his magnum opus. In Asia, the film has been released as 2 films at almost 5 hours total in length. Outside of Asia, the movie will be cut down into a single film of over 2 hours in length, and most likely to be close to 3 hours, I shouldn't wonder.

So I gave the first film a rotten rating of 5 out of 10 tomatoes, not because it was terrible, but it had parts of it that were pretty god awful. Mostly attempts at delving into characters, which is not a John Woo forte. However, with the help of the good bits of the first film and having worked through who was who which made it flow much more evenly, Part 2 gets a fresh rating. The annoying character development scenes are still there, but much more contained and not hard-boiled.

Another thing I realized from this film is that despite calling John Woo a legendary action film director, which I think is now more fact than opinion, I think I can state that I am not a John Woo fan. He has the subtlety of a sledgehammer, and he doesn't do narrative or suspense very well, and therefore his storytelling is generally heavy-handed, one-dimensional and uni-directional.

What he does well is grandeur and in-your-face, and he puts together a very good action film. This is a good John Woo film. And in the ranks of Chinese period battle films, very distinct from the kung-fu brand of martial arts film, I'd say Red Cliff, part 2 ranks pretty high. I've seen some pretty weak ones. This film does have some very good moments.

I still think the abridged international version will be killer, as long as he cuts out those horrible character insight scenes and sticks to an action film pace. I'm going to give this a fresh 7 out of 10 tomatoes rating, taking into account that I realize I'm not a John Woo fan, and in anticipation of a much better international version that I'll likely give a higher rating.



Linda Linda Linda (2005, Japan)

I'm giving this movie a qualified perfect 10 out of 10 tomato rating. It's totally subjective, I loved this film for many biased subjective reasons, although objectively I would probably give the film no less than an 8.

The movie is about a Japanese high school all-girl punk band that finds itself in crisis at the beginning of the film: personnel problems right before a high school festival performance. The movie is about how they strive to accomplish the performance, and I'm not saying whether they do or not, given this crisis.

My biases include an appreciation for Japanese film and the characteristic of characters not openly expressing themselves, but just sort of "vibing" what they feel on-screen. Sometimes really annoying, sometimes successful in conveying the complexity of human emotions.

Another bias is from the Korean exchange student as the lead singer, because I totally relate to her experience as a foreigner struggling with a language. Also that she's Korean, as my appreciation for Korean culture has grown recently, despite being overshadowed and degraded by Chinese and Japanese culture. In this movie: "I'm . . . Korean", "An exchange student? . . . cool".

Lastly, I'm a musician. And punk rock is well-portrayed in this film. It's not about technical proficiency, it's about "just going for it": "You wanna join our band?", "OK", "Can you sing?", " . . . Sure". The Ramones couldn't be prouder of dialogue as that.

To dispel some confusion of the band problems at the beginning: the bassist and drummer, Nozomi and Kyoko, are the steady, reliable fixtures in the band. At the beginning of the film, Moe, the guitarist is injured after jamming her finger playing basketball. So she's out. Original member Rinko, singer, immediately tried recruiting a guy friend on guitar without telling the others, but that was not cool with keyboardist, Kei. Rinko and Kei have a history of tension.

So at the beginning of the film, Moe is out, Rinko is . . . probably out. Kei, one of the band's founders stubbornly decides that they will perform, but realizes they need a new singer to replace Rinko who she's seriously mad at. And that she herself will have to fill in for Moe on guitar, even though it's not her primary instrument.

Action!

Angsty nights of indifference in a life in limbo. Something's gotta change, but change is not what my life is about. I don't think. I don't know. One month to fill, still working at the paper, but come May, I'm gone for at least a month, and it's up in the air whether I'll go back. Band had its last gig, and I told them that was it for me.

I bought a new phone after 3 years of my basic US$60 Motorola. It needed charging every other day or less, and finally it dropped out of my pocket and the display went a little janky. It still worked, but that was enough for me to get a cute, new Sony Ericcson Walkman model onto which I immediately added 2GB of Korean and Japanese music that I recently downloaded.

I think I might travel more in Taiwan this month. Head out for a destination on a weekday night, spend a night, explore and shoot during the day, and return that night unless I'm interested enough to stay another night, or to continue on to a next destination. I want to find the meaning of travel. I want to find the sites that form memories of travel, and why you left me, or why I left you.

Maybe stop drinking for a while? I spend almost US$150 on alcohol a month, maybe that could go to travel funds. $150? That's it? Alcohol is relatively cheap here. A bottle of Bacardi is a little more than US$10. It wouldn't surprise me if I drank 14 bottles a month. Sounds about right.

On the other hand, I went to work today not worrying whether I stank of alcohol (because I was pretty sure I didn't), and I let 2 huge mistakes get past me. Even on the final check print out – what was already sent to the printer – I missed them, and fortunately the other person caught them and we fixed them before press. Usually I'm minding his mistakes. I make less mistakes when I'm a bit drunk. A sign of alcoholism, btw.

I didn't drink before work because I've been doing extra long sitting sessions after waking up. I have an audio of Robert Thurman's "Jewel Tree of Tibet", a six session lecture series that I haven't listened to in a while. Before, I spread them out into 12 sessions of 45 minutes of lecture, splitting each in half, but I wanted to try taking in each lecture as a whole, hence 90 minutes after waking up.

Robert Thurman is a professor of Tibetan studies at Columbia University. He's close to the Dalai Lama and spent 5 years in monastic training in the Tibetan tradition, fully ordained for almost 2 of those years. Father of Uma Thurman.

I fade. I don't want meaning in anyone else's lives. I don't have meaning in anyone else's lives, aside from nominal, basic humanitarian compassionate meaning. That nominal meaning they give my life doesn't overcome my impulse not to be here.

I will leave this particular form of my existence. I need to get resolved. Not that anyone else is stopping me, on the contrary it seems they're just waiting, but they need to fade, too. Their existence is just as illusory as mine, all fadeable, and I love them as I love myself, all the while fading.