Total insomnia last night. Not bad, almost two weeks without reportable insomnia. Sleep hasn't always been great; there have been frequent incidents of fragile sleeplessness on both front or back-end, but not rising to insomnia. Even though that kind of sleep meant not getting a good rest and fatigue usually in the evening.

Last night, already exhausted and nodding off all night, I put on a CD with the timer set, as usual, extended the time as I continued to remain awake, and when the entire CD played, that's when it's officially insomnia. So then I put on one of my yearly mix CDs, which at least makes sleeplessness enjoyable as those songs include songs I love and never get sick of.

I might have been able to fall asleep during that CD and slept the rest of the way, making it only front-end insomnia. Except for the dream.

Upon reviewing the tracks later, I found that I did fall asleep for 2 tracks, but I remember the tracks that were playing when I went into the dream, so I was in a twilight state at that time.

There's a bit of insignificant precursor before it became The Dream. A portion that looked like a gas filling station before dawn. A portion there where I was wondering if my music was playing too loud and disturbing my non-dream neighbors here, being concerned because it looked in the dream like I was blasting the music.

Then I was in a suburban house, an offshoot or morph of the gas station, during daytime in a sparsely furnished den or family room. I was making a round of the room when I ran into some spider webs. There was a large pillow on the floor so I dropped down on it to wipe off the webs.

When I got up, I realized the pillow was quite dirty and I had all these specks in front of my face and thought I might need to jump into the shower. But I soon realized a bunch of the specks were baby spiders and looking closely at the pillow, it was covered with baby spiders.

That's when things quickly escalated and the spiders started growing in number until they were a seething swarm of frenzied spiders of all different sorts carpeting the floor. Then there were other people who I don't know, but it felt like we were renting the house together.

Someone got the idea to burn the furniture that the spiders were on and a fire was started and I yelled at them to do it outside, especially when I noticed a bunch of car tires on the pyre that was quickly becoming an inferno.

I stepped out of the room just as another housemate was arriving wondering what was going on and I encouraged him to tell the others to put the fire out and to take the fire extinguisher with him. I was pro-put out the fire, but in retrospect I realize the ONLY solution to the problem was to burn down the house. Burn it. Burn it down.

When I stepped back into the room, the fire had been extinguished but the spider problem remained. They weren't crawling over us, but they were still a seething mass and any object that had been on the floor were now riding on top of the mass as if on waves.

The spiders were aware of us, and when someone poked a stick at the mass, they reacted. There were so many it was impossible to move anything without killing them. The dream ended with me asking one of the housemates, "You know I'm afraid of spiders, right?", and him almost sarcastically answering, "Yes, I know. If there's anything I know about you, it's that".

Upon waking, my thought was, "I'll take the insomnia".

So I lay awake for several more hours, first listening to another mix CD and then a lecture on Tibetan Buddhism by Robert Thurman. Then same as last time, instead of getting up close to 9 o'clock, I tried to drift into twilight sleep and see if I could investigate dreams in that state.

At one point, I do remember in a dream thinking that I was in a dream, so that was successful from a lucid dream perspective, but the nature of the dreams became totally bizarre and hostile. It was almost as if my unconscious was testing me after realizing I was in my own dream.

I don't remember them clearly enough to relate, but enough impressions to recall that scene after scene, I found myself amidst hostile people, trying to maintain calm. Actually, as I just wrote "amidst hostile people", I remembered that is a projected experience in the Tibetan-described bardo death experience.

Not suggesting it's objective, as my subconscious could be projecting what I'd read in the Tibetan Book of the Dead. I do know that in the dream I never reminded myself that this was all projections from my own mind of reality, as the book suggests training towards.

Since last Tuesday's bout of total insomnia, which turns out was a one-off, sleep has been good. Full nights sleep; although the effects of that one-off insomnia episode may have had continuing effects of fatigue during waking hours.

Then last night's sleep was interrupted by a nasty bout of back-end insomnia. Went to sleep alright but then woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.

Although interesting was that at 9 o'clock, when I should have gotten up and proceeded with sitting, I continued to try to get some sleep. I couldn't quite get to sleep, but I would fade into a twilight sleep where I could dream, and the dreams were totally bizarre. My brothers figured into many of them although that's all I can remember about them.

It made me think that back-end insomnia may be an opportunity to explore that more – trying to get into that shallow dream state where I'm experiencing dreams but slightly aware that I'm not fully asleep and trying to turn it into a lucid dream.

I've been working out at the gym regularly, so it's not about physical fatigue. I should be sufficiently tired to get to sleep. But not.

Redefining a "total insomnia" night, it's not necessarily not being able to get to sleep at all, but also includes a night of both front-end and back-end insomnia. Last night I consider total insomnia.

It was more than the scare I had a couple nights ago. It manifested ultimately in a long period of time laying in bed listening to music, having turned off the sleep timer. I did eventually fall asleep, but at what point I have no idea.

Then after 6 o'clock, after two and a half, three maybe hours of sleep, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep at all and listened to CDs in their entirety. Back-end insomnia. Both of them equal total insomnia.

Since this is the first night of insomnia for this bout, if it turns out to be a bout, I was alright after getting up. Actually I didn't do what I've said I should've done, which is once 9 o'clock comes around, get up and do morning sitting.

At 9, I still lay on my bed seeing if sleep would come and for two hours, every twenty minutes or so I would wake up from a dream, having fallen into a shallow sleep.

I'm not sure if those two hours were restful, but I ended going on a 35 mile ride and was fine, except for the heat. It was really, really hot again and by the end of the ride I was really struggling. When I got home I focused on getting my core temperature down, and accomplishing that, I was fine. The effects of insomnia are cumulative, though, so that's no surprise.

Had a front-end insomnia scare last night with difficulty getting to sleep, but then I was able to; and then a back-end insomnia scare with multiple awakenings. Ultimately, I'm declaring it was an acceptable sleep. Less than six hours, which is not great, but the ultimate symptoms of insomnia weren't present.

The weather forecast today indicated it wasn't supposed to rain. There's a typhoon that's not going to hit Taiwan, but will brush by it and I think it's affecting the atmosphere and hopefully disrupting the weather patterns of the past two months.

Anyway, I went out for a ride aiming to complete the 36-mile ride I tried on Thursday. And yes, heat was probably the main factor in failing. Today was a more reasonable Taipei summer heat and I completed it without issue.

Today was forecast to not rain, and even though the rain is supposed to return tomorrow and for the forecast future, I decided to go out on my bike just to see how it felt. I figured with going to the gym, my fitness should be pretty good and I contemplated doing two small climbs to end up in Shenkeng and stopping for stinky tofu and then either a third climb to come home for a 30 mile ride, or take the riverside bikeways home for a 40 mile ride.

Instead, I decided to do my default 32 mile bikeway ride with a 4 mile extension, which is all flat. This default ride is the one I do to check my fitness after long periods of time off bike. When I committed to start riding again at the end of last year, that's all I did for a while. It did feel good being back on my bike, but very quickly I knew I wasn't up for anything. I wasn't going 30 miles, much less with the extension. Those hills were out of the question. I settled for cutting the ride short to a 20 miler and getting home intact.

It did occur to me that even with regular workouts at the gym, none of that compares with the real thing; going out and doing something that can be considered sport. But in retrospect, I think what might have beat me down was the midday heat. It was hot and I knew it. I don't think my GPS has a temperature sensor, but the Garmin ride data includes temperature, which might come from internet sources(?), and the average temperature for the ride is 95 degrees! Significantly hotter than anything I've ridden in in recent memory. Anyway, I'll go back to my policy of riding any day the weather permits, even if it's just one day in a two week period.

I mentioned before that on high school track, my coach noted that I ran the 110m hurdles faster than the 100m sprint. At the time I actually did realize a reason for that. It was desperation. When trained for the 110m hurdles, I was taught that between each hurdle were three steps plus the landing step (or take off step depending how you look at it). So feet hit the ground four times between each hurdle. This was not easy for me. It required a vast stretch in stride to accomplish. And this is going to sound ridiculous if it even makes any sense, but the only way I could complete the race was by hearing the rhythm of that famous piece in "Carmen" in my steps. Doing hurdles for me was "bum-badum-dum/bum-badum-dum/bum-badum-dum...". And in desperation to keep that rhythm, I had to push myself which in the end decreased my time. True story.

Sleep went back to normal exactly one week ago. Every night since has been considered "good". I'm recording this as data to see if insomnia comes and goes in spells and bouts. A good night includes waking up multiple times before my goal (9 a.m. alarm) but being able to fall back to sleep. I also mention as significant that evening fatigue regularly set in, sometimes requiring short naps.

It's now July. The last ride I went on was on April 28. It pretty much rained ALL OF MAY. And then surprisingly it rained ALL OF JUNE. It's raining today.

I could probably count on one hand the number of days that were forecast not to rain and didn't rain. Not enough to establish a pattern of riding. I think I mentioned it's not worth it to get out on a one non-rainy day when thunderstorms are forecast for the next five days.

And that's why I joined World Gym on May 19. I was expecting, with my luck, that I would sign up for the gym, a two-year commitment, and then the sun would come right out. Not so.

The gym has been great. Relatively speaking; my calves are still giving me problems. I'm careful to avoid a major pull, but whenever I try to push them, they get to that point where if I keep going, it will pull and I have to ease off.

Only a few times have I managed slow 30 minute jogs, 3 miles/10 min. miles, before coming close to injury. Then I would try breaking it up and jogging 3 single miles separately, each at about 12 min. miles and just trying not to injure the calf. In fear of making the cow mad.

(Why do they call it PMS? Because "mad cow disease" was already taken)

Otherwise, I fulfill cardio on the elliptical, and do a 30-min. workout where my heartrate gets to where it does when I'm running, which is above 160 bpm. Basically go as hard as I can at any given point while gauging how much more I have to go.

I also do weights and I'm recalling all the way back to high school track how to use the machines. I haven't been in a weight room since then, and I'm surprised I still remember the basics. We didn't do weights often, only when it was raining too hard to run outside, and I don't remember really liking it. I think I would have preferred to go home rather than do weights.

I was a hurdler on high school track, 110 and 400 meter. I think I was sometimes included in 400 meter relays (4x100m), second or third runner (the slow legs), never lead or anchor, but the coach thought it was odd that I could do hurdles faster than outright sprints. Coach Krauthamer droned, "Mr. Li, your 110 hurdles time is faster than your 100 meters". Hurdles it was!

There are also punching bags, and I might get to applying college Tae Kwon Do on them if it's not too embarrassing.

random post: coffee

I'm no longer addicted to caffeine and don't really need it, but I bought a bag of beans yesterday and I think I may have found my proper way to pour a cup of coffee using a filter cone.

I've been experimenting for years trying to come up with a consistently good (to me, that's why I say my proper way) cup of coffee. I've even searched on the web to see how other people do it and either it's super-anal techniques that no normal person in their right mind would pay attention to, or nimrods who post the most obvious, derp-city way to use a filter cone that even a monkey could figure out.

Experiment factors include grind (how long to grind), water temp (how long to let it cool), and how to pour. There's a lot to personal taste, so how long to grind and water temp is an individual preference. I grind for 10-15 seconds, and let water cool for a minute.

The pour, I think, is the key and that's with what I've been experimenting. My way is don't saturate the grind right away. I do a quick, short line pour that just introduces the water to part of the grind and for what that's worth, let it soak in for a few seconds; it's not enough to even start a drip. Then a second line pour with the same intent, not necessarily enough to drip, but just soak whatever grind it hits.

Then after another few seconds of letting that soak and settle, do a circular pulse pour that will likely cover the rest of the grind and instigate the drip if it hasn't already. From then, I add water gradually by pouring along the rims of the grind, never right onto the center of the grind, and each time letting the coffee drip out some (never completely) before adding more water. As the grind is saturated, it will take longer for coffee to drip out and so the water level will rise in the cone, but what I find works is keep the water level down as much as possible at first.

And it should foam naturally this way. I vaguely recall from way back someone recommending something about how much the grinds should foam. That kinda makes sense to me, not knowing the science, because it seems it might have something to do with aerating the grind which might have some beneficial effect on the "extraction".

I note that my way goes against other people's advice that the grind should be saturated immediately. I've tried that and I like the taste of my way better. If I were to get zen philosophical parody about it, my initial, non-saturating line pours are like getting the grind's attention and telling it "you are about to become coffee, breathe and smile", as opposed to just drowning the grind in complete saturation.

Also with my way, at the end of the drip, the grinds shouldn't be deposited high and thin on the filter, as with many coffee makers, but concentrated relatively low, which might make sense for good extraction, but again I don't know the science.

I think the key is hearing how other people do it, try it, experiment with variables and then if you're consistently quoting Harrison Ford saying, "Now that's good coffee!" (Witness), bam.

Yesterday ended up being another disaster of sorts. After watching Michelle Wie triumphantly win the U.S. Open, all during which I was self-medicating the insomnia, I went right to sleep from 6 to noon.

It's odd, I always drink all night right until I go to sleep, and that has little effect on how I am when I get up. But when insomnia is involved, I'm always groggy and fucked up after getting up, no matter how long I've been sleeping. That's why one of my general guidelines is no alcohol during insomnia.

I know that if people were studying my case, they would say it's about the alcohol. Even if I'd been drinking all night before going to sleep, then awoke because of insomnia and continued to drink, they'd say it's the increased amount of alcohol that fucks me up.

And I would say they're wrong. It's not the alcohol per se, but primarily the insomnia with alcohol as a contributing factor. They wouldn't get that and that's why the medical profession is so ineffective regarding this type of insomnia. For instance, if it wasn't an insomnia night but I just happened to wake up a few hours into sleep and decide to chuck back a couple shots and crawl back into bed, I'd be fine when I woke up in the morning. 

In fact, if I'm remembering correctly, I went to sleep at around 1, early for me but I was tired from the weekend, and slept for two hours before waking up at a little after 3 and felt lucid and sober. And it was because of the U.S. Open that I didn't even try to go back to sleep, maybe it could have been a good night's sleep. But then because I was up and doing something, I allowed for drinking.

I already know that going to the gym after insomnia is a bad idea, but I went yesterday and confirmed it. But it was weird because my calf muscle pulled exactly as I stepped in the door. Literally, I took one step in, felt the muscle pull, and stepped back out. I spent the next 15 minutes limping around the area deciding what to do.

I ended up going in with it in mind to lay off the calves, meaning elliptical is OK, no treadmill or stairmaster. But during weights, I realized I was too tired and left after only an hour, my shortest time at the gym.

The calf hurt for the rest of the day and I couldn't even cover up the limp. But it also occurred to me that I should be bracing my calves. Actually that was inspired by Michelle Wie who was crazy using what I learned from the broadcast as "physio tape", but found online is properly called "kinesio tape".

I might look for the stuff in Taiwan. I'd be surprised if doesn't exist here, but I'm not sure where to find it. But I did pull out a knee brace that I brought from the U.S. which can be used on calves, and if that's effective and if there's a need, I can buy another one for my other leg.

This should be interesting (albeit only to me). Sleep this weekend was good. Saturday was sufficient but too heavy in the end for sitting, but Sunday was also good and I got back to sitting. Still, for the rest of the day I wasn't able to break out of a general lethargy and deliberately cancelled going to the gym, considering it a good day for a break since Saturday was hard on my calves.

Right now, instead of battling what may have become a bout of back-end insomnia, knowing the U.S. Women's Golf Open was airing live, I'm forgoing trying to sleep and watching TV, pulling for Michelle Wie. I won't say much about that. I started watching LPGA golf during my years of torpor. Another inexplicable interest except to note that South Korean women have been doing really well in the field.

I know Michelle Wie is American, but she'll do. She has a lot of support from American fans of all stripes, but I'm sure there's a percentage of people who would prefer to see Stacy Lewis, a "real" American, win. I recognize that Stacy Lewis is currently the world number one and she will probably go down in history as one of the greats, but from hearing her talk, I think she might be unconsciously racist, no evidence of it being overt, I don't think she's aware of it or trying to be, but enough to make me love to see her lose or fail (my loving to see her lose is not begrudging her from being the champion she is). I'm sure none of her peers think she's racist. You have to be looking for it.

I'm still having trouble with my calves trying to build my running back up. After pulling a calf muscle a week after joining the gym, a month later, I'm still struggling to complete 3 miles at any pace without injury. Both calves are problematic, and I've been easing off runs on the treadmill at the first sign of trouble.

I'm not sure what the issue is, since even after not running for so long, calves are still important for cycling, so I don't know why they are this problematic going back to running. It seems I'll need a more gradual slope of improvement to build strength up in those muscles. But seriously, 10-minute miles are depressingly slow.

insomnia diaries

Yea, even for me, that "ignore the effects of insomnia" policy isn't always possible. And I can only have that policy nominally because I can afford to. People who have to function and deal with the world can't even pretend to.

And note to self: going to the gym after a night of insomnia is probably not the smartest thing in the world. In a word, yesterday can be described as being "bad", although I'm not so much into the "good"-"bad" judgy thing. Things just are.

That being said, mindfulness practice does come into play in that I don't see myself as a victim of an affliction. Something "bad" is happening but I just observe it and my reaction and don't make it personal or get emotional about it. At worst, things are just "interesting". i.e., oh this is not good, I think I need to get home asap . . . how interesting.

The effects of insomnia do feel like an illness. There's a definite short circuit in mental capacity; I remember that from that time I was working at the Post and my boss came up to me and told me he called two other people to come in to cover for me and that I should go home. I was like, "why?!". I thought I was functioning fine when it was clear I wasn't. And, mind you, he told me this right after I had come out from the bathroom where I had been hyperventilating.

As for working out, it's stupid because, again, there are mental lapses of grandeur thinking I can do what I clearly can't and run the risk of injury. Aside from that, physical weakness manifests where a perfectly reasonable weight resistance workout ends up in unreasonable soreness, as if I had just started working out.

As for today, last night was a recovery dead-sleep and I got a full night sleep but then had trouble getting up and cancelled morning sitting. I didn't go to the gym and was pretty much zombified and wiped out. Exhaustion came easily.

insomnia diaries

Yesterday I erroneously, optimistically thought I was in the clear regarding this latest bout of insomnia and it was over. I got a solid seven hours of sleep and was mostly fine afterwards with just hints of zombification. Per personal policy, I didn't think or worry about it and went through my day including going to the gym.

Then last night I got smacked by a nasty, back-end insomnia. Slept from 2 to 4, and then from 4 to 7:30 was in a twilight state, fading in and out, getting up occasionally to reset the fan timer or start up music again. At 7:30 I put on one of my mix CDs and listened to the whole thing lying in bed and got out of bed afterwards, as it was close to 9. Considered sitting, but ultimately cancelled.

What I was being optimistic about was that the insomnia from the weekend was a one-off, rather than a spell. One-offs happen and don't have any lasting effect. Spells are prolonged periods and are what fuck chronic insomniacs up.

Per policy, my attitude for the day is to totally ignore any effects. If I get tired and have to crash, it's because I'm tired and have to nap. No harping about being exhausted or zombified. Even gym, but I'll intend to go easy since exertion in a fatigued state probably contributes to injury.

I had what could be described as a normal sleep, it looks normal on paper. Falling asleep took a little time, not right away, but then I slept for four hours before waking and then continued sleeping and waking at intervals until my alarm went off. That's totally acceptable for me. I had gone to the gym yesterday.

I am bracing for the recovery dead sleep. It lurks. It's like a time bomb. Maybe just those two days weren't enough to mess things up that much. I'm not worried, I'm just writing about it to describe it. I have the luxury of being able to take it in stride. If I'm wiped out and zombified for a few days, it doesn't really matter. I'm not doing anything. I don't have to do anything.

Truth to tell I'm forcing myself to continue writing this blog. I really don't want to, don't need to. My relationship with my ego has gotten to a point where I'm sensitive to the fact that writing a blog is an ego feed. There's a lot I haven't mentioned about practice and meditations.

Actually, everything is an ego feed. Any contact with any of the five physical senses feeds the sense of ego, that I am here. It's the most natural thing in the world in terms of human experience, yet Buddhism points it out as a fault, as the first step towards all our suffering. And to pursue non-suffering, Buddhism suggests a path to understand the role of ego and ego-attachment towards suffering and to transform our perspective on it.

But it's like having stopped playing guitar and bass. I still have a guitar and bass and I still take them out and play with them. In the past year, I've even bought a multi-fex gadget that I can plug into and play through headphones or speakers.

But I still consider myself having stopped. I'm not a bassist or any sort of musician. It doesn't feed any ego-identity. It's a karmic skill I've acquired, but I hope I'm not feeding any continuing karmic energy.

As for this blog, it used to be that I wanted the record to exist somewhere of who I was. Now that idea is ridiculous and I couldn't care less. Record for what or whom? My ego, of course. No one cares about it. No one knows about it and I've done everything to hide it that didn't involve actively restricting it through privacy settings. Hiding it in plain sight, that is.

Even as I'm writing this, I'm thinking, "this is so stupid".

Second day in a row of insomnia. Yesterday was some sort of insomnia disaster, a resultant waste of a day, but I take things in stride.

I don't remember much of yesterday until I decided to get out of the apartment. Actually, I don't even remember the decision, but it was achieved around 6. There was little sleeping when I was trying to prior, but after giving up and getting on the computer and starting the drinky-drinky, I did pretty much pass out at some point for a few hours. But then most of the ensuing afternoon was spent in front of the computer and shot glass. Little of which I remember.

Last night was a combination of front- and back-end insomnia. Over an hour before getting to sleep (listening to music), waking up scarcely 3 hours later and not able to really get back to sleep until 9 o'clock rolled around and I got up and did morning sitting.

Yesterday's zombification was not the way to do it, today so far was right, and I treat the rest of today like I got a full night of sleep. No carping about sleeplessness, don't acknowledge it, nap if necessary, but don't have a bad attitude about it.

Not that I think there's any correlation, but I didn't go to the gym Saturday or yesterday. Today I'll go.

insomnia

I had wondered what sort of effect working out regularly at World Gym might have on insomnia. Early results weren't conclusive, but I thought I did notice my sleep getting better and more regular with harder workouts.

I got together with my ex-Mandarin teacher yesterday, the only person with whom I'm still in contact in Taipei, and the idea came up that I should keep track of my insomnia, at least for the data.

There are different types of insomnia. There is spontaneous one-off sleeplessness which isn't insomnia at all. It gives some people a taste of what it's like to lose sleep, but comes nowhere near the debilitating experience of a chronic insomniac. There's also causal insomnia which is treatable by something termed "cognitive behavioral therapy". What the fuck ever. Then there's my kind of chronic insomnia, which is detailed and covered in Gayle Green's book Insomniac.

The suspicion suggested in the book is that there may be a physiological basis for chronic insomnia, and not just a psychological basis which most doctors just assume for ALL insomnia, just because that's what it is for MOST recorded insomnia cases. And no research is going into looking into a physiological basis.

Ironically, after talking about it with my ex-Mandarin teacher and telling her my sleep has gotten better with workouts at the gym, I had what I call a total insomnia episode.

When you have this kind of an ailment, you start creating descriptions of it for yourself. This type of insomnia is like an illness and not something simply treated by something like "cognitive behavioral therapy", which I scoff at.

Front-end insomnia is when I can't get to sleep when I try to, but eventually fall into levels of sleep that render me functional when I get up. I'm not 100%, but I'm functional.

Back-end insomnia is when I can get to sleep when I try to, but then wake up a few hours in and can't get back to sleep. It's still more-or-less functional, but has its effects.

Total insomnia is not being able to get to sleep at all.

Other notes about my sleeping habits are:
- I generally try to get to sleep around the same time, around 2am.
- I need music on when I try to sleep with the sleep timer set for 30 minutes. If I'm not asleep by the time the music shuts off, that's a likely indication of front-end insomnia, although not always.
- I set my alarm for 9am and whether back-end or front-end insomnia, I try to get up around then and continue with morning sitting.
- No self-medicating with alcohol to try to force or extend sleep in either front-end or back-end insomnia. 
- Total insomnia means bets are all off and likely no morning sitting and possible alcohol self-medication. I say "possible" because sometimes I'm no longer trying to get to sleep, and I'm just drinking. But sometimes I just start on drinking and then end up sleeping for several hours. Quality of rest is questionable.
- Recovery "dead sleep" is arguably the worst part of it. Sometimes I can deal with the sleeplessness, but when it catches up, it ends up in dead sleeps when it takes a long, long time to drag myself out of bed, and even then my function levels are low for hours. Morning sittings are almost always out of the question.

WordsCharactersReading time

I'm finally getting into the rhythm of avoiding injury and completed a slow 30 minute run on a treadmill without injuring myself. That's my current benchmark – not injuring myself. As slow and pathetic as it was, I felt it was an accomplishment. Oh how our standards fall with age.

Not that I have any intention of a "standard" remaining the same.

Pulled left calf muscle healing, but again tackling the treadmill, I felt a twinge in my right calf and immediately eased off. I'm hoping this is building strength, and as long as I don't injure the muscle, I'm strengthening it.

It is discouraging, but it is a reflection on my failed effort to try to run again last year. I recognize now that my calves are woefully weak, and they simply failed last year and I simply gave up, fearing further injury. I already injured one this year, but with the controlled environment of a gym, I can focus on babying my calves up to strength as long as I avoid injury. And icing after stopping after feeling the muscle getting to the brink of tearing.

Not even a week after joining World Gym, I pulled a muscle on a treadmill trying to complete a 5K. I thought I had been going easy on my running legs this past week and tried to do an easy 5k today, not pushing anything.

But on the third mile, I started feel a twinge that should have signaled me to ease off or stop, but I tried to push through it and not .05 miles from the end, I full-blown pulled the muscle.

I think "pulling a muscle" is a nice way to describe a torn muscle, and that's more of what it was. Something felt like it tore, same as last year when I tried to run. Riiiiip. Limp, limp, limp. I knew no more running or jogging or anything leggy for about a week. I bought an ice pack.

When I first walked into World Gym to see what it had to offer me, from their point of view it's what they consider a "consultation". When they asked me about my exercise activity history and told them I'd pretty much been a runner or cyclist since high school, they exclaimed I might come in every day!

I laughed at that. Who goes to the gym every day? Turns out they know the type, and I might be totally comfortable going in five days a week with self-imposed rest days to not hurt myself, since I do know that I tend to over-extend myself.

I'd never even been in a commercial gym before, but given the current circumstances here in Taipei, I have to say I'm loving it. My primary goal is to maintain a fitness level whereby when the weather allows me to ride, I won't have to start with 30-mile default, flat fitness rides along the riversides.

But as long as the facilities are available, I hope to get my running back.

I tried last year after Sadie's visit, but recall only able to get to woefully slow paces (more than 9:30 miles) before ultimately injuring myself and giving up by summer. 9:30 miles, mind you, are not acceptable. Running 9:30 miles means give it up, fuggedaboutit. Running at a 9:30 pace is not worth it, it's not running.

So I'm hoping the treadmills will allow me a controlled build up back up to a decent pace. Ultimately 7:30 miles or under, but I have to allow for my age and alcoholism, so I'm not going to be too hard on myself. I'll be happy if I can ultimately complete a 10k run at any pace without hurting myself.

Otherwise there are the other cardio machines, as well as resistance weight machines which I know how to use from high school track, and punching bags that take me back to college Tae Kwon Do. But I have to remember my age. I'm middle age. I shouldn't be pathetic and think I'm young like that. Otherwise I'm loving the gym.

WordsCharactersReading time

Well, today didn't go as planned. I ended up joining a World Gym – the new Taipei Nanjing branch that opened in March a block away from me.

I'd been really good this season about riding just about every day the weather has permitted. I'd gotten comfortable with 50+ mile rides and was set to start tackling Taipei's bigger climbs for the first time in over 3 years (with trepidation, mind you, as my health may have returned, but I'm not so confident about my strength).

Then May came. Pretty much solid rain. There were a total of two days that the weather was OK but I was sick on both of those days, and anyway the forecast surrounded those days with entire weeks of rain. Not worth going out on single nice days, only to be off bike for the next week.

So I was lured by World Gym advertising of "free trial" period until the end of May. That's a total lie, mind you, there is no "free trial" period. They explained the "free trial" period when I asked, and for the life of me and I couldn't relay how they purportedly explained it.

Bottom lining it, if you were going to be using their facilities, you would be paying for it some way or another. There is NO "free trial" period. Just discount or no discount. No discount if you ask for the "free trial" period. You still have to sign up, apparently, is my guess.

But I was leaning towards joining anyway. People who aren't should be prepared to walk and not succumb to the pressure they put on you (pressure that's put on them by the company, no doubt). And they do put pressure on you. They're basically corporate hookers, despite being very nice and personable.

They did have to accommodate the fact that I don't have a credit card, which was a bit funny. The monthly fees are only payable by credit card, and I don't have one and wasn't open to getting one just to join a gym. That was an out for me to walk, but they offered to accept if I pay the entire two-year contract up front in cash (and ultimately involved another discount, I think).

So at that point I had to decide, and I asked for a few minutes to think about it (commitment issues) and ultimately favored joining. Paying upfront was a little over a thousand dollars US for two years with the discount that they only told me about after I accepted (go fig).

I'm alright with the decision. Would just like to emphasize that their offer of "free trial" period is totally bogus. I thought it was a free trial period to see if it's really what I want, but it's just a lure to get you in to put pressure on you to join immediately.

I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if maybe there will be an explosion of Vajrayana teachings on the tantra in the coming centuries if it's not too late for humanity. I wouldn't put my money on it. It's hard to believe. The deepest wisdom of Buddhism is secret in that it should only be revealed to people who are ready for it in furtherance of enlightenment and ultimate realization. Vajrayana is that secret wisdom. 

In Buddhism, there is Theravada (the foundational vehicle), Mahayana (the "great" vehicle) and Vajrayana – esoteric teachings, secret, ultimate. I want to be careful not to suggest that there is a progression or that either Theravada, Mahayana or Vajrayana Buddhism are better than one or another. Perhaps distinctions exist from a dualistic, analytic human level, but each vehicle is an all-encompassing, stand-alone practice. The distinctions exist for distinct types of people, personalities and aptitudes. 

What is now called Theravada Buddhism is what the Buddha directly taught his disciples; the basic principles of monastic living and how to pursue enlightenment and the underlying philosophies. It wasn't incomplete, it was just what was appropriate at the time to turn the dharma wheel to get people on the path towards enlightenment.

Mahayana was revealed some 500 years later with the codification of the Lotus Sutra. Well, not exactly 'codification', that's when it was reportedly first written down, but it had been passed down orally for centuries prior. The oldest extant manuscript I think is from much later in the 7th century C.E. It is claimed that what became the Lotus Sutra was based on the historical Buddha's final sermon, but it took 500 years for it to become understood and appreciated. 

The written Lotus Sutra is therefore metaphoric and enhanced, rather than literally what the Buddha actually taught. It includes text of what was likely orally transmitted in verse form, as well as prose versions expounding on the verse portions. Its current form is clearly a work of fiction, but the principles of what he taught are incorporated in it and are the basis of the Mahayana philosophy, which on top of the basic teachings of the Theravada, added the concepts of universal compassion and that enlightenment is the ultimate destiny of all living beings.

Theravada and Mahayana Buddhism are predominant in the western world today. Buddhist teachers strive to teach people Theravada and Mahayana principles, depending on preference, but they don't challenge people too much beyond their capacity to understand. They teach within the context of the reality people live their lives. Most people, including self-identified Buddhists, are just trying to live their lives. They want to be calm, they want to face challenges, they want to understand, but they're still attached to their ego and their lives and are unable to see reality beyond how it presents itself. They want good relations, they want to feel good.

That's all good and great. That's what much of Buddhist literature supports.

But recently Vajrayana has also found its way more and more into the discussion with a lot more literature being produced in the west. Vajrayana has been introduced via Tibetan Buddhism, which ironically has entered the western consciousness largely thanks to the Communist Chinese invasion of Tibet in 1959, sending scores of refugees to create a Tibetan diaspora with Buddhism as a spearhead. The Dalai Lama has as much acknowledged the irony of the Tibetan tragedy being instrumental in bringing Vajrayana Buddhism to the west. 

But Vajrayana is not different or separate from Mahayana. Zen is understood as Mahayana, but Zen also promulgates the same ideas as the Vajrayana. Zen is complete without Vajrayana because Vajrayana is nothing more than Mahayana beyond different and enhanced methodologies. Going deeply into Theravada, Vajrayana is also there and is therefore also complete in itself. 

All the vehicles of Buddhism aim towards an ultimate understanding of reality. Just recently I bought a book by Zen master John Daido Loori, "Teachings of the Earth", and although steeped in the Mahayana Zen tradition, he teaches an understanding of the ultimate reality which is the same as in Vajrayana. 

Vajrayana methodology is radical, though. The concepts presented may elicit many "wtf?" responses. It's a radical interpretation of reality that's not based on gross human senses and interpretation. Actually, forget about wondering if there might be an explosion of Vajrayana teachings in the coming centuries. And hope there won't be. Once you expose something to the masses, it all goes to shit. So it is writ.

ptd 3/24/19 -ed.