Well, here goes. I mentioned that if this opportunity presented itself, I must at least look further into it. What I deleted from that mention was that I was putting a timeframe on it – a week to get things rolling, two at most. I deleted that because . . . I've never been good with deadlines :p

Now, with the opportunity presented, but requiring a wait until at least Sept. 15 to hear anything, the wait seems excessive, like it's just another excuse to not go, a distraction. At this point I'm balancing 55%-45% either way, with maybe a 1% lean on not waiting, taking it as fate.

When I was studying in Bangkok, I was told that Thais believe that becoming a monk isn't a choice, it's a privilege and an honor, something you have to earn; something for which your family's neighbors would bring food and flowers in celebration.

That was humbling and I took it to heart. But I also recognize that not all traditions believe that. And I was also critical of that statement because it was coming from someone in a higher economic class, but that's a whole nother story; the point being I heard it and accepted it as a consideration.

But I have never put myself in a situation where someone could say, "yes, we will accept you", or "no, we do not believe you are ready".

My lifestyle is certainly no indication of spiritual aptitude. I drink like a fish, I eat meat, I'm materialistic, consumeristic, my mind dwells on frivolous things, I'm suicidal and pretty much always have been, I harm my own body, I'm not charitable nor do volunteer work, I don't give to the poor every time I'm entreated, and yet I seem to believe that I can turn all of those things around in a single day. :p

But I do. I'm comfortable with the disbelief and doubt people might have if I took that path. I'm not 100% cocky sure I'd be successful if placed in that situation, but at least I think I'd have a "fighting chance".

I can't explain the mechanics of my internal self in conjunction with my external life. I can see how every one who currently knows me would hear the news with disbelief and doubt, but for me, it is the only living solution that makes sense.

External life notwithstanding, my internal faith has been constant through the years, always quick to the forefront of my thoughts, always searching and looking out for signs, not always successful.

I won't list how as if I was trying to convince someone or qualify myself. My failings are much more easy to enumerate. I've cultivated thoughts, ideas, wisdoms, and concepts, but I have not cultivated affirmative acts, concentration and discipline, knowledge and study, and community. Me and how many other thousands of people?

All these years I've insisted on searching and finding, and refusing to be fed or led. I never accepted that faith has anything to do with an institution, it has to do with life. I'm still not comfortable calling myself "Buddhist", even though the language of Buddhism is the one that resonates most clearly in me, even when informed by Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, even Christianity, etc.

Identifying myself as "Buddhist" just feels wrong, like suddenly my faith is attributed to a certain group of people, when to me it is a path that must be travelled alone with no institutional affiliation (this is different from the Sangha, the Buddhist practicing community).

Maybe I've gotten to the point in life where it's time to play hardball, to relinquish myself to the institution to get to the next step. To let go and put myself into the situation where these life meanderings become rigorous, disciplined life practice. Put my money where my mouth is, or whatever appropriate cliche.

And yet . . .