Why is it that I don't want to be in a relationship? Why is it that I'm done with that aspect of human . . . experience?

It's been almost five years since I've last been in a relationship (born-again virgin *yay!*), and that was a pretty traumatic one, one that may easily be the reason why I've stayed away from them for this long, but it's more than that.

One person's faults, shortcomings, and violence would not make me ignore another person's qualities, contributions, and compassion. Part of me attributes it to not being able to match with anyone. People who I've been attracted to have not reciprocated, and vice versa.

Part of it is fear. There have been people I've met and could have been attracted to upon first blushes, but then later realizing that they would be complete nightmares! It's scary thinking I might have shown interest in this person, and they showed interest back, and then finding out later what a freak or an idiot they really are! How do you screen that out?

Alright, but these are all real world, worst-case scenarios. How about a best case, imaginary scenario? Assuming a mutual romantic, physical attraction, what would a person have to be to maintain my interest to fulfill that aspect of human . . . experience? To say this is worth living for?

Nothing. I can't think of a single thing. It all gets bogged down in the idea of the long-term, and I'm already at the edge of what I considered acceptable long-term my life. Even if, what would another year be? Another four years? I won't even consider another ten years.

But that's big picture, how about the small picture? Just someone to wake up to, someone to hold hands with, someone to kiss. That's too simple, all of these things are attached to something else that I can't do.

You wake up to them and want to be alone, you hold hands and want to let go and do your own thing, you kiss and you want them closer, you want them in your skin, you want them in your blood, you want them to know, and they won't. Don't.

You want them to tie you to the bedframe and carve their name into you, tell you that you will never forget them, and you acquiesce. First, they need to love you that much.

Why is it that I don't want to be in a relationship. That's not a question. It should be the title of this post.

Northern Exposure Quote of the Day:
They say that blood is thicker than water. Maybe that's why we battle our own with much more energy and gusto than we would ever expend on strangers. (Chris in the Morning)