So it's halfway through September, seven months I've been unemployed, one month more than planned. I've stopped thinking that I'm waiting to hear from the monastics about monastic opportunities, but it's still in my mind that I'm due to hear from them shortly. What has changed in the last month?

I still do not want to return to the status quo of living a normal life. Getting a job is not in my plans. Moving to Tucson or Portland is not in my plans. Not being in San Francisco come the end of daylight savings is still in my plans.

I think my mad existential rantings and posts have been exchanged with religion-inspired posts. I've seriously curbed my drinking and I've switched my sleeping hours to something more "normal" and disciplined. Regular reading, sitting, contemplating, generally less mad.

Weird. Weird that after 15 years I'm not addicted to or dependent on alcohol. Weird that madness is my own mind game to turn on and off at will. Although there are always the underlying reasons to turn it on or off. I've stopped cutting completely and don't even think about it. Weird that all of these developments reinforce and still point me to the exact same conclusion.

This reality is not real. I'm not real. I don't need to be here.