The sources of these negative thoughts aren't the problem. what I've done with my life and the directions I've taken to whatever inevitable conclusion are not the problem. the negative thoughts themselves are the problem. Things got better immediately after that.
Or is that something I've known all along?
But it's true, the thoughts and mindset I've been in have just been rehashing the same old crap I've gone over and over ad nauseum and leads no where: What I'm doing or not doing with my life; what expectations I'm not living up to; the little I've done in my life and the little worth it adds up to; feeling guilty about not having the problems everyone else is going through; feeling guilty about not feeling problems everyone has and not doing anything to help other people like Madoka and her friends do (actually they have the problems and do things that help other people, so fuck me even harder). Hm, maybe that's why I haven't called her back like I said I would.
But really, I've run all that through my movie projector, and none of that matters. Not in a nihilistic way, but the negative weight of those thoughts aren't because of the substance of those thoughts. The negative weight is just from negativity – maybe it's S.A.D., maybe it's the holiday season, maybe it's the not being able to maintain friends, maybe it's the stress of shopping for a new bike, maybe it's the suicide chip in my head – but skim the fat of negativity off the surface and the thoughts turn out to be not-so-oppressive.
A lot of people probably can't separate the negativity from the thoughts – if the thoughts are there and they are negative, then you can't have the thoughts without the negativity. Period. As long as I can, lucky me, might as well run that program.
