I don't want to be happy.

If I wanted to be happy, I would be doing what it takes to be happy. I would go back to my old job, not because it made me happy, but because it supported me and would be necessary for the things that make me happy. It wasn't an unbearable job, it wasn't killing me.

And with that sustenance, I would be happy by:
- going cycling on weekends or riding on my trainer in the evenings while watching music DVDs;
- renting or buying and watching music or anime DVDs;
- maintaining and nourishing friendships, even getting long-distance phone service to stay in contact;
- asking people to go to movies or shows with me, or dinner, or just hang out;
- finding a better apartment in a better part of town and being open-minded about "what I can afford";
- playing music and hanging around people who like playing music;
- continuing home practice and going to SF Zen Center twice a week for Dharma Talks;
- being frequently aware of my happiness or unhappiness, and stop doing what makes me unhappy, and do what makes me happy.

But I don't do these things because happiness, in itself or in material pursuits, is not one of my wants.

- I want to understand the fabric of existence.
- I want to know what this all is and why.
- I want to test it with my own suicide (not someone else's - important).

Don't tell yourself that you want to be happy and then not be. Let's be honest about our happiness and unhappiness.

- If you're unhappy because your job sucks, tell yourself that you want to be unhappy because your job sucks.
- If you're unhappy because you don't get along with your family, tell yourself you want to be unhappy because you don't get along with your family.
- If you're unhappy because your health is bad, tell yourself you want to be unhappy because your health is bad.
- If you're unhappy because you have a mortgage and a ton of debt you're eating your way out of, tell yourself you want to be unhappy because you have a mortgage and a ton of debt.
- If you're unhappy because the dog keeps peeing on the couch, tell yourself that you want to be unhappy because the dog keeps peeing on the couch.
- If you're unhappy because you can't make a relationship work, then tell yourself that you want to be unhappy because you can't make a relationship work.
- If you're unhappy because the weather sucks and puts you in a bad mood, then tell yourself that you want to be unhappy because the weather sucks and puts you in a bad mood.
- If you're unhappy because (fill in the blanks...)

And importantly, tell yourself that if you think you want to be happy despite this that makes you unhappy or that that makes you unhappy, then you're a fool.