I've been continuing my home practice, but it's been a struggle. The revitalizing energy I had between my Deer Park trips was gone after I got back from New Jersey, and I consider that a good thing, even if it puts entering the monastery in question and doubt. A good thing? What's a good thing?

I'm working with a dichotomy. I tell people I'm entering a monastery, and they say, 'great', and I find that a little patronizing, as they have little idea or interest in what's driving that decision, but that's OK since I have no desire to explain it to those people either.

I tell people I'm committing suicide, and they say, 'boo!', and that makes me feel a little defensive, and my life isn't about defending my decisions. They don't impact enough people to warrant defending (the few people it impacts deserve explanation, and I've done my best).

I don't know which path I'm on, or what I will find standing in front of me as the decision I made. Right now, I'm just walking down a path towards neither, but trying to find the middle of the false encouragement of entering Deer Park and the dark voices of condemnation over suicide.

As the negativity needs to be stripped away from suicide, so does the positivity of entering the monastery, with a recognition that none of it is "real". I can be sad about leaving or happy about arriving, but there can't be any attachments to either.