The day flying back to San Francisco from New Jersey was far more arduous than the week driving to New Jersey from San Francisco. The day was broken up into mini-ordeals to get through, each one in anticipation of the next one until I was finally walking that final block to my apartment. I took public transpo from the airport even though Sadie offered a ride. I realized I'm not the kind of friend who has someone pick them up from the airport, I decided.

A week in New Jersey was too long. I came back distracted and with more negative thoughts than I care for. As the plane landed, I just thought about how much I hated the San Francisco Bay Area. Tomorrow I need to focus and cleanse and filter out the negativity; figure out what and why they were. I need to re-align what I think of the monastery idea, too, as I've been accumulating doubts and need to consider if they are valid or not.

I've been having these intense pangs and impulses to leave, moments of revelatory clarity pointing to leaving as still the right thing to do, the proper path to take; it's right.

I don't know if it's my imagination, but I've also been having weird moments of intimacy with something that's clearly not here.

And no one has told me yet that life is not a movie, and all these disparate elements won't follow a dramatic arc and come together in some conclusion and resolution that will make sense as a whole.