Dear Madoka,
Thank you so much for the links and putting time into it! It was much more than I could ask for, especially since you're busy again. I will peruse them more thoroughly after I get back to New Jersey when I have more unlimited internet time (provided the people across the street haven't secured their wireless connection). I move slowly with things concerning my life, so I imagine I'll be in New Jersey well into September.

I'm thinking I'm pretty much done with Deer Park and Plum Village. It was a surprise to realize my aspirancy letter was rejected, but also not so much of a surprise in retrospect. I did bait the possibility, and the monastics bit, and it's surprisingly consistent with my past karma and patterns in my life. It's almost exciting. Not even they know how uncanny it is, especially since what I'm interpreting as rejection was totally arbitrary. They could have just as easily accepted my letter. I'm not projecting on the future really, anything can happen including ending up in Plum Village, but the mindset I'm forming now is that I was rejected, now move on without looking back or mulling on it. I don't like taking control of my life and prefer to let outside factors occur and see how I react to them. People seem to have a hard time understanding that, but they are not my problem.

So I'm back to where I was before I first visited Deer Park. I'm an aspirant in general, no where specific. Deer Park just fell into the picture at an opportune moment, and I'm not going to go out and look for another monastery that fits my style and would accept someone as incomprehensible as me. That would be basically a crap shoot. I'd rather just wait to see what falls into my lap next, and until then I just continue to walk my karma.

I met an old Oberlin acquaintance at a retreat this past weekend. Her name is Pamila Lew and we were pretty good friends for a few months and then we started getting on each other's nerves. I didn't recognize her at all, but she was wearing an Oberlin sweatshirt, and after I indicated that I went there, too, she said, "Yea, I know you", but I didn't recognize her until she said her name. People really look different after 15 years!
much love,
koji