One week left at the monastery before I leave. I think I’m done with this monastery. I won’t be back. I think my final analysis is right – this is my karma that I’m living out and unable to change. I got rejected from the one monastery where I couldn’t possibly be rejected!
One monk told me that through observing me, each and every monk wanted to see me go to the root monastery as an aspirant, but that my aspirancy letter appeared ambivalent. I’m sorry they interpreted it that way, but that’s as good as it gets. They think I can do this, they think I can be good at this, it was their choice to make it easier for me or harder. They chose to make it harder, perhaps as a further test of my commitment.
But you know what? They’re right. I am ambivalent, just as I’m ambivalent about everything else about my life. Just as I’m ambivalent about my life itself. They rejected me, “oh well. next." What they interpreted as ambivalence has nothing to do with the effort and commitment I would put in as a monastic. It's just my style.
My gut feeling is that I would have been a great monk. But they also failed my test to them, whether they’d give me breadth in my training, or if they expected me to toe the line while jumping through hoops. I won’t play their institutional games and if they reject me for that reason, I’m better off without them.
In 3-5 months, when I’m still alive and desperate for what to do next, I don’t see why I wouldn’t just print out the exact same letter and send it to them. Either that or a one sentence letter, but if that would be less ambivalent, I’d be disappointed in them.
But man, if they knew how well their decision plays into my idea of my own karma, I think even they would be impressed at their insight, how well they are plugged into the ether, whatever else is out there affecting our lives that we can't see or touch. This relentless push of my karma towards suicide or something like suicide. Something. Or a fight against it by pushing me towards it. But really, everything in my life has pushed towards it. Anyone want to commit suicide with me?
