I'm working on getting angry at my parents again. For almost 9 years, I've described my relationship with my parents as cordial. No more animosity. I said I stopped hating them after a revelation that they had no more control over me or my life.

Now, I'm watching my mind more closely and recognizing the anger and the hate for what it is. I don't know if it is serving its purpose, because it's not a visceral hate, the kind that wells up and makes us lash out emotionally.

Even though I'm feeling the emotion, the recognition is still intellectual and I don't lash out or act or react out of anger. But what am I saying? I have to lash out and do or say something stupid to make the anger real and have "purpose"?

No, no, no, backpedal. This is serving its purpose. The purpose is to feel, and not act or react or say or do something stupid. Anger is natural, how we deal with it delineates what is mature and healthy or immature and unhealthy. Or not. Those are judgments I eschew, and I'm not trying to convince anyone I'm mature and healthy anyway.

This could end up badly, but I'm learning how to be angry at my parents again. Maybe not learning how to hate them again, since maybe I've always hated them. Even though with much chagrin, I'd intellectually admit on some twisted, subconscious level I'm sure I love them. Bleah *wipes off keyboard with anti-bacterial wipe*.