Before I left New Jersey, I was searching for guidance and I opened up the 20th Anniversary book of the Plum Village monastery system (the root monastery of Deer Park) and read a story about a monk who came to an impasse in his practice and wanted to go to a retreat in Germany with his brother. The retreat was with a teacher he had studied with before he ordained at Plum Village, and for whom he still had a lot of respect. The monk asked for permission to leave, and was refused. The story continued on about how this monk was grateful for the teacher's insight in not allowing him to leave, and that the teacher knew what was best for him.

I read this on two levels.

I do believe in insight. I do believe in a teacher's insight. I'm fully willing to take this story at face value, and that there was harmony between the teacher and the monk, and that the teacher saw something in the monk and knew it was not right for him to leave. Under different circumstances, if the teacher saw it was right for him to leave, he would have accepted his leaving.

As an internal matter, I don't doubt it. But once it's published in a book, it becomes an external matter. You're telling this story why? You're trying to convince me of something?

No. Your experience is not my experience. And when this internal story is told to me, an outsider, it reeks of brainwashing, not compassionate guidance. If I come to an impasse in my practice and say I want to leave, I want to leave. I don't want someone telling me, "No, you don't want to leave. These are not the 'droids you're looking for. The boy can go on his business."

I like to think that the teacher would have the insight into my personality enough to know if I say "I want to leave", that means I want to leave, whether it is the right thing for me spiritually or not. But I don't know.

So instead of finding comforting guidance, I was given something that really bothered me. I almost entered this system. And I'm not ruling out that I won't in the future. It's still the place where I had more connection than anywhere else. But at this point in time, my interpretation of this story was telling me to continue on the outside.

11:28-11:50 a.m. - Floral exhibition in Da'an Park across the street from me.

It's been a week since I've been back, and I've been switching my sleeping hours to be up all night.

I'm tired of hanging out with Hyun Ae and will aim to put an end to it. It's not just that she's inaccessible, but it's what she represents. I'm not sure what she represents. Most of what she represents is about me, what she represents about me to myself. What I don't want. What I don't want out of life. What I don't want out of relationships. A little of what she represents is about her and has to do with my relationship to the outside world – no real connection, no loyalty, can't trust her.

I don't know how it got so ugly. The mix of desire and reality. Not desire for her, but desire for finding what I really want. Which is unrealistic at best. I really want connection. It's not in my karma – I just feel it. And if I can't get it, I don't want to desire it. God, what does that mean anyway? I desire I lot of things I can't get. Desiiiro un burriiito.

This thing with Hyun Ae is basically shutting down something that shouldn't need to be shut down. It should never have been "turned on" in the first place. And that something got turned on annoys me to no end. Even if she's just a friend, she needs to prove that she's a friend, and she hasn't proven she's any friend aside from what I've conjured in my own mind.

Just shut it down. Stop being stupid.

Nikon N70, Ilford XP2 Super, all CD-R:

Motor scooter culture.

Chinese style stone bridge at Bihu Lake (or Bi Lake), Neihu District.

Coming back to Taipei, I felt a driving need to shake things up. I need to get angry again, I need to rage. Razor out.

I have my limits, true, so it isn't pure anger, but it doesn't have to be "pure". The limits are that it doesn't get expressed directly towards other people. I don't directly hurt anyone by exercising and working through my karmic rage.

I need to get angry at myself, I need to self-destruct, razor's out, running shoes, drumsticks. I need to get wild in the head, I have to get crazy. I have to detach, I have to stop being so fucking nice, because I'm not so fucking nice.

I need to throw away my sleeping schedule. The strict-ish sleeping schedule I started when I became a working schlep and then continued afterwards out of habit is a bore; is making me boring to myself. I'm a language student in Taiwan. The only time I have to be awake is between 10 and noon.

I'm so sick of habit. I'm sick of the habits I develop and adhere to wherever I go, just because I'm old.

I'm sick of the idea of what I'm supposed to be doing as a language student. I don't give a fuck about learning this language, I don't feel I will ever master this language. Even though when I came back, I felt I wanted to be more diligent and study as hard as I can.

I want to study diligently and as hard as I can, but with no expectation that I will ever be able to actually communicate in this language, and without any conception of what I think I should be doing or being as a language student.

No habit with Hyun Ae is sacred, she's nothing. Say it again, nothing. Detach. I will drink before class, I will go running at three in the morning. I'll shower when I feel gross, I'll crash when I've exhausted myself. Fuckin' A.

Back in Taiwan.

7:09 a.m. - On the ground at Taoyuan Int'l Airport.

Trying to ward off jetlag by going shooting at the riverside in the sunlit daylight hours. Nikon N70, Ilford XP2 Super. My brother Rob went digital SLR and lent/gave me his Nikon film camera. I didn't scan any of these negatives, so they're all from the photo shop CD-R.

I call it "Busted-Ass Jalopy"

Shuiyuan Expressway and Zhongzheng Riverside Park near Guting, not far from where I live.

Guanghwa Temple from the same footbridge but turned 180 degrees

2:55 p.m. - in color

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Pristine cognition. My brother is getting rid of his old car which has been sitting in the driveway of my parents house for more than a year. Someone's gonna come and tow it away. What a great car. Lots of fun to drive, 16 years of service. How can there not be any sentimentality?

February 12, 2006, 9:55 a.m. - Sad Porsche 944

We do attach to material objects. We project our feelings and consciousness on objects. I have several too many guitars because I project feelings on them. I love my bikes. And I habitually thanked my cars after a long road trip.

And here I am, my consciousness, my view of the world from my eyes. And I view these objects around me, upon which I usually don't attribute any consciousness or sentience. Why not?

Their physical matter isn't inherently the objects they represent. Their physical matter is the way molecules are put together in a certain way. Rearrange the molecules of this object, and you'll have that object. We are stardust. Every physical thing we perceive in our solar system is the remnants of an explosion of some ancestor star.

And I think of the potential for consciousness or sentience in objects the same way. Their perceived lack of consciousness is just the way the ground of consciousness has been put together for that object.

It's my thesis, inspired by dark energy, that consciousness is naturally formed from something naturally occurring in the universe. There is a naturally occurring "ground" of consciousness, just like there is naturally occurring grounds of physical matter.

It's all continuum. Basically, I'm no different from the objects around me, physically or sentiently. I'm organic, they're not, I'm sentient, they're not, but the ground of our beings are the same – stardust. It's just the way we're put together.

And this is still not going to put food on my table.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I go back to Taipei in two days. Two weeks went by so fast. I don't care about going back to Taipei. I don't care about staying here. Ship without a rudder. Without sails. Without engine. Without lifeboats. Without compass. Without paddles. Starry sky at least. Horizon to horizon, blue skies and clouds. The sound of waves, the sound of my mind. Ship without brothers, without parents, without uncles, without cousins, without nieces. Ship without houses, cars, jobs, bikes, guitars, cameras.

If only I could get rid of the ship.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Today certainly sucked. I look back at today, and every little thing about it sucked. I ended my participation in today by announcing to my brother and his wife, with my parents' house full of people, that my day was over. I went to take a shower to avoid even having to say goodbye to them all. My brother and his wife had nothing to do with my day sucking. They've become the best part of my New Jersey visits.

Even when I have a truth in a relationship with someone, truth doesn't matter when the trust has been destroyed. Now I need to figure out what I mean by that. You can dance around the truth with me, but you need to maintain some sort of trust. If you maintain some sort of trust, I can get back to the truth, even if my toes got stepped on during the dance. Now who do I mean this about? (hint: it's a pattern)

My life certainly sucked. I look back at my life, and every little thing about it sucked. I ended my participation in this life by announcing that my life was over. I didn't say goodbye to anyone, because no one was worth saying goodbye to.

I sure hope it doesn't come down to that, but that's the direction it's heading.

11:51 a.m. -12:16 p.m - OK, accompanying my uncle and aunt around the Village didn't suck.

12:05 p.m. - cyclists getting killed by fossil-fueled motorized vehicles sucks.

5:52 p.m. - Pie and Gracie don't suck.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Paradigm
I am looking at my current life as solely being the seeds for future lives. I'm not going to accomplish anything in this lifetime. I can't. Don't want to try. Pointless. Close my eyes, look in the mirror, tell my brain to please shut down already. No? Well okay, then. Whatever.

We live our lives and treat them as all-important, the focus of our being. We are here now, so we have to follow our mind, our ego. We want a family, we want a career, or we want this, or want that, so we do this or that.

I want to live my life as if it's not important at all. I want to live my life recognizing that any given moment is the result of my past actions, and that my current actions will result in future actions and being. Karma. If you want to know something about your past lives, look at your life right now. If you want to know something about your future lives, look at your life right now.

Looking at my life right now, I have a long way to go. What I hope to impress upon my psyche is that I'm trying. I'm trying to break through, I'm trying to know, I'm trying to realize. Even with the self-destruction, I'm trying.

I don't want to live my life, doing something now that will result in something further on in this life. I want to focus on doing something now that will result in something in a future life. Is that the way to live? In general, maybe not, but for me, okay then, whatever.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

My sister-in-law's older sister was scheduled for surgery a little later on and so the family headed to a Buddhist temple they knew of in upstate New York to offer prayers and receive blessings or whatever in hopes of a successful surgery. I got invited along because they knew I had been considering entering a monastery and thought I'd be interested.

8:41 a.m. - West Side Highway, New York. I was tasked with driving into Manhattan to pick up Peggy. At least it was called the West Side Highway when I was growing up. The name may have changed when they took down the elevated parts.

9:49 a.m. - George Washington Bridge from my brother's condo.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I was supposed to have killed myself years ago and passed up multiple opportunities to do so. Every life decision I've made, in retrospect, has sucked. I've run my life and future prospects into the ground, constantly dismantling it, ensuring no continuity or stability. There's nothing I want to do, so I wander in limbo, and at any given moment, live with the last bad life decision I made until critical mass forces me to make another bad life decision. I think of five years from now, ten years from now, 20 years from now, and there is no point to this. All my relationships have soured, and I keep surrounding myself with people who casually stab me in the back. It's a pattern. It's endemic.

I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to believe that there is only one thing left to do – be happy.

New York City

Pentax K2, Kodak BW400CN:

Central Park. Scan.

Metropolitan Museum of Art. Scan.

11:39 a.m. - Spent the day with my uncle and aunt (Audrey's stepmom).

Metropolitan Museum of Art and Empire State Building:

Philadelphia, PA

I'm in Philly visiting one of my brothers who had a daughter this past Summer. Sarah Rebecca is a curious thing, doesn't look like either parent, and is nothing like her 2 and a half year old brother. She's completely alien, to be brought into the family fold on her own terms, and in her own time.

11:21 a.m. - Sarah Rebecca

I already saw my oldest brother's daughter who was also born this past Summer. She's adorable and definitely feels like part of the family. I have no idea what I mean by that.

October 6, 1:29 p.m. - Tessa Rose

On the way down here, I dropped off my uncle and aunt from Kaohsiung at my uncle in New Jersey's house. Audrey was already there. She flew the same day as I did, but a different airline. She has money, so she flew EVA Air – the safer airline. If you have money and a family, you should never fly China Airlines.

My decision to come to the U.S. now happened really fast. I had been planning to make the trip in November for visa and plane ticket purposes, but I went down to Kaohsiung last weekend and learned that my uncle was planning to come to the U.S. now, and my school has two vacation days during this period, so I can miss less class than if I came in November.

So, in my usual avoidance of making my own decisions, when I returned to Taipei, I decided if my parents called that night and didn't give a negative reaction to my visiting now, I would go. That happened.

Audrey is starting to act different towards me again. I pretty much ignore her as much as possible now. She's persona non grata now. I don't necessarily ignore her coldly like she isn't there, which is what I do if I don't like someone, but I've just been matching her level of ambivalence in my life. I don't go out of my way to talk to her or acknowledge her, blah, blah, blah. I'd bore myself if I wrote more about it.

But when I visited last weekend in Kaohsiung, she came to give me a hug. I was ready to give a quick, half, non-hug, but she gave me a real, full on hug, and held it several beats longer than I expected. Fractions of a second containing more emotional information than words can ever communicate. Instinctively, I gave her a quick squeeze before separating, letting her I know I get it. Completely counter to what our relationship has been for the past year.

Same thing when we met at our uncle in New Jersey's house yesterday. I gave her no special acknowledgement, paid more attention to her kids, barely made eye contact, almost left without saying goodbye, but then she was suddenly there and we hugged.

October 7, 2:58 p.m. - Pie and Gracie, Bridgewater, N.J.

I'm sick of being emotionally manipulated by these women, her and Hyun Ae, but I have to admit that I'm allowing myself to be emotionally manipulated. It's a part of my decision to not make decisions. Or rather, my making decisions by setting up circumstances, and having the outcome of the circumstances make my decisions.

So I'm not really sick of being emotionally manipulated by these women. I'm sick of the outcome. So that I'm cutting off in my own way. I have no idea what I mean by that.

Philadelphia photography:

Anchorage, Alaska

I'm in transit. Yay, airport wireless! Seven months in Taiwan and I didn't anticipate how good it would feel to be back in the U.S. I almost even just called it "America", which I avoid doing, as if Canadia, Brazilia and Nicaraguia aren't technically "America".

I'll be in the U.S. for two weeks, took a leave of absence from classes, and already have a plane ticket booked back to Taipei. Although I wonder how bad it would be to abandon the meager possessions I left in my apartment. The only thing of value is my cheap Konica-Minolta scanner, which is of no real value in the end. Turns out that photo store scans to CD turn out to be a coin flip better than this crap scanner.

If you're in the market to buy your own scanner, It's better to go all out and get a decent (read: more expensive) scanner. I digress.

Looking back at seven months, what a bone-head decision it was to move to Taipei. Another bad decision in a line of consistent bad life decisions I've made – a predictable consequence of a life motivated by suicide, or something along those lines. Whatever. I'm starting to wonder if it's not so bad to have a life motivated by the greed and material fulfillment. Motivated by making money, having a career, breeding having a family. . . no, I just can't see it.

I'm too pathetic to pursue a life of service, or something along those lines. Whatever.

So, looking back at seven months, what made me think I could actually learn that language? Mistake. Getting sucked into Hyun Ae's emotionally misguided manipulations was a mistake. If you have a boyfriend, act like you have a boyfriend. She has finally started to, but the damage has been done, and I know after we leave Taipei, we will not remain in contact because of her inconsistency. Anyway, mistake. Or karma.

Over the last seven months, my practice has been shredded to the point that even morning sitting has become optional. What the hell am I doing? I'm not going to be too hard on myself for that, though. I do agree with the idea from the Tibetan Book of the Dead that "who has a notion of practice can say that he or she is not practicing right now?" or something along those lines. Whatever.

All life, existence, and reality is practice. It is the path itself. Meditating on this moment itself, and all that my senses perceive, my surroundings, as pristine cognition, is practice. It doesn't, however, answer what the hell am I doing with my life.

Whoop, boarding. Gotta go.

3:00 p.m. - Taoyuan Int'l Airport. Indigenous tribal sculpture of a giant automobile gear shifter. Doesn't it make you want to grab it and ram it into fifth gear and drive, drive, drive! Curiously none of the other exhibits have anything to do with cars.

3:23 p.m. - 747.

WordsCharactersReading time

One last Kaohsiung photostroll to finish off the roll of film before heading back to Taipei. Pentax ZX-5n, Kodak BW400CN:

I mistook this photo as being in front of my uncle's building shooting north-ish, but his building is a little past halfway down on the right, so this is shooting south-ish. All of these are scans.

Walking along roads, shooting down alleys.